Delayed (Re) Reaction

Today, I have issues. What do you mean, "Not just today!"?? Cheek!

This situation with NY Guy has really pissed me off. I don't know why. Must be two years' worth of pent-up anger! I had managed to (just about) get over the disappointment and upsets in the relationships and the difficulty I had with making the decision to end things. I had even managed to start feeling relief that things were finally resolved for me and I was beginning to feel reassured that I had made the right decision. I was still anxious about the fact that he was going to be living here for 4 months and that potentially we might end up meeting. After a while, the anxiety went and it seemed that it might be a positive thing to actually see each other. I was starting to look back on things fondly and feel positive that things could at least be nice between us,

Now, after letting my guard down and allowing myself to remember my affection for him, I'm again realising exactly why I broke up with him. He's just as useless here as he was in NY. He made a huge fuss about the fact that I didn't want to see him and now that I've changed my mind, he doesn't seem bothered any more. It's almost as if he just didn't like the thought of being ignored or not being in control, and then as soon as he heard what he wanted to hear, he doesn't feel the need to make an effort any more. I don't know why this is getting to me so much, but it really is. It's frustrating that he wants things to be 'nice' between us, but he still doesn't get why things broke down in the first place. I really don't think he has accepted or even fully grasped how much his own actions contributed to our relationship breaking down. It's as if he thinks that because he mentioned that he loves me and wanted to marry me, that these are magic phrases that any girl will just lose all sense of reason for. How exactly were you planning to get to the marriage stage when you can barely manage to make enough effort as a boyfriend? It's great to be told you are loved, but I want to see that love in action, not just hear it continually without any physical evidence, until the words ring hollow and meaningless in my ears.

What gets to me is that NY Guy is seemingly impenetrable. He is very male, and at times I really liked that about him. For the most part, I liked that he was masculine, that he was strong and not overly emotional, confident, independent, secure, responsible. I know that I am an emotional person and that I am nursing some insecurities that have worsened over time. I thought that we would balance each other out, that my emotionality would soften him when necessary, and his strength would toughen me over time. But now I realise that the things I initially found attractive and appealing about him, are the things that also frustrate me the most. I never quite understood exactly where I fit into his life. He always said that aside from his family, I was the most important thing to him. But I never saw exactly how. His family is important. His work and career is important. His friends are important. His sports are important. His free time is important. And he always made lots of time for those things. When it came to me, I felt like he just fit me in around his existing life, but didn't make any new space amongst those things especially for me. It is clear to me that he doesn't need me. He likes the idea of having me, but he can manage without me. If he could hear me saying these things, he would protest and probably tell me something different. But that was the problem. He always said the right things, but I could never see from his actions that he really, truly, deeply meant what he said.

He doesn't show weakness. He doesn't let his guard down. He doesn't seem to have any insecurities. He never seems to reflect on situations and assess his own behaviour. He is self-sufficient, impenetrable and unaffected. I know that not all of this is completely true. I know he feels things, has emotions, gets hurt and must have even tiny pangs of insecurity at times. But it never, ever shows. Maybe he just doesn't express these things verbally. Perhaps he doesn't want to let on that he has any chinks in his armour. I don't know. But the defences that kept the slings and arrows of the world out, kept me out too. I often felt insecure about things, I often found it hard to believe in what he told me. I know that part of this is down to the issues that I have picked up over time, but at first, I did believe all those things. I didn't feel as insecure. I fell in love unhindered and thought he was everything I was looking for. But as months passed and things got harder and he went AWOL on me more than a couple of times, those insecurities raised their ugly little heads once again and with good reason! I don't have a problem with putting the person I love first. I think that is what love is about. The great thing about it is, that when your love is reciprocated to the same level, the person you love puts you first too. You can focus on their needs and their happiness completely, because you can be secure in the fact that they are doing exactly the same for you. But he never did.

I know this is an old record, one I have been playing time and again. But I hadn't realised how much of it was still getting to me. It's probably best I get it off my chest! But in many ways, despite my renewed frustration and hurt, I am glad he reminded me of all this. It has simply helped me feel more justified in my decision. Now, if I ever start thinking "What if…?" it won't be because I am wondering what I missed out on, but because I know I had a lucky escape.