Lighbulb Moment

I am feeling good today. Actually, perhaps I should rephrase that. I am feeling better than yesterday. The pain-induced hysteria has worn off slightly and I'm not feeling quite as miserable. I have, however, had an epiphany. My last wisdom tooth has been taking its sweet time to come through. It has been partially grown for a few years now, but its progress has been incredibly slow. I have been conscious that it has been having a little growth spurt this past weekend. My jaw has been aching and my gum has been sore and catching on my other teeth when I eat. I'm slow on the uptake, but I suspect that this annoying little tooth is the cause of my migraine. It makes sense. It is also a rather fitting metaphor for my slow and painful thought process along the path towards gaining more wisdom. It's a lesson I've been learning for as long as this tooth has been coming through. It's one that I never really got the message of, until I was hit with the painful reality of my own weaknesses. Like the migraine that had more or less left me incapacitated all weekend, the emotional shake-up I experienced at the same time left me a little numb and unable to function properly too.

BFTP texted me yesterday. He'd stayed at his sister's and left his phone at home by accident, so hadn't been able to answer when I'd called in the morning. He explained that he was getting ready for his eye appointment and was hoping that he would finally get the all-clear. I replied, but was perhaps a little bit bland in my response. I have subconsciously been starting to hold back, ever since he admitted to me that he is not over his ex. Later on, he admitted that he was a little taken aback by the lack of affection in my message.

I left work early. My migraine wasn't letting up. I had taken painkillers when I got to work and they helped, but after the usual four hours, their effect was wearing off and when I took another dose, I started to feel nauseous. I stayed at work as long as I could manage, but I couldn't face the journey home in the company of the usual hoards of commuters, so I left to try and get a head-start. In the evening, I texted BFTP to check he was OK. He told me that he would be home soon and that we could talk. I wasn't sure if he was saying that for my benefit and wondered whether us talking would really be a good idea. I was still feeling rough, was in a bad mood and although I desperately wanted to talk to him and wanted some comfort, I could feel that I was probably liable to lash out and thought that it might be best to just be alone in my misery. I didn't want him to feel obliged to talk to me and agreed we could talk, but only if he wanted to. He said he felt like he might be pressuring me and was aware that I often need time alone to think when I am reflecting on things and that although that might be hard, he would understand if that's what I needed.

We spoke a little later on. We talked about how things were between us and I admitted that I could feel my barriers going up again since our previous conversation. He told me that he had spoken to a close friend and mentor and that his take on the situation was that we were rushing things. If we carried on the way we seemed to be, then we could ruin what could potentially have been amazing. He said he wasn't sure how he felt about this observation, but that the opinion was there to accept or reject. Something inside of me clicked. Big Sis had mentioned to me a little while back that I shouldn't rush things and should just take things slowly and I had listened, but had pushed the thought to the back of my mind. I had thought that I was doing things differently this time, that I wasn't acting in auto mode like we have talked about, that I wasn't letting my natural reactions get the better of me. But it hit me: I have been kidding myself. I haven't risen above my usual tendencies. I've done exactly what I always do, thrown myself into a situation head-first and let my emotions run away with me. I had been so preoccupied with what I wanted, with finally having the kind of relationship I've been looking for, that I didn't stop to properly consider what was best for him, what he wanted and whether he was even ready for that.

What was I thinking? How could I possibly be surprised that he still has an emotional attachment to his ex? You can't get over an 8-year involvement with someone in 4 months. It's unrealistic and probably impossible. And if he could do that, it would probably make me question whether he really loved her and if he really understands what love is. It's normal that he is still dealing with that. I should know, I dealt with it myself. I suddenly felt incredibly selfish and rather stupid. I, of all people, should know that it is important to take sufficient time to deal with the tangled emotions that result from a complicated relationship. I, of all people, should know that rushing this healing process does nothing to speed it up, help it along or move it forward. It should, and will, take its natural course. Yes, me getting involved with NY Guy no doubt helped me to move on from The Ex. But I had already started that process on my own and was already moving in that direction without his influence. Having him in my life, aside from the fact that we had feelings for each other, helped me identify some of the issues that I needed to deal with and some of the attributes that I wanted to find in a potential partner. But it didn't remove any of the difficulties. In fact, that situation probably highlighted them even more and perhaps meant I had to deal with them sooner than I might have done otherwise. How on earth could I personally go through such a situation not so long ago myself and then forget just how difficult that can be? Why had I expected BFTP to just forget all about her, not have any issues or emotions to process and just fall in love with me overnight? And why did I even want that? What had I been thinking?!?!

I suddenly realised that the shock of knowing that he wasn't already in love with me and that he wasn't at quite the same point along this path as I was, was exactly what I needed. It was a wake-up call, a slap in the face to shake me out of the delusional bubble I had created for myself. Suddenly I realised that I needed to use what I have learned in my own experience to make sure that he has the same opportunity that I did to work through all those emotions. I may have got involved with another person relatively soon after my break-up with The Ex, but the very distance that made that new relationship hard, was probably what stopped me from getting even more hurt than I eventually did. Not one to hold back and love any less in a new relationship just because the old one hurt me, I went into it hard and fast and would have been tangled up just the same as I had been before, if the distance hadn't saved me from myself. Only after more than 2 years did I realise that what had initially seemed like the antithesis of what had gone before, was just a different kind of wrong. I never want to be the person that encourages BFTP to open his heart up again, to ignore any doubts and fall headlong into this, just because I think I'm ready for it, regardless of whether he is or not. I don't want to be the person who appears to be what he needs, because it initially seems to be so different to what he has experienced before, only for him to realise later on that I am just a different kind of wrong. I don't really think that is the case. I know that BFTP and I could have something incredibly special and could be what each other needs. But I have realised that I need to be incredibly careful what I wish for. I can't hope for his heart before I am absolutely sure that I know how to look after it. I can't want to be someone's girlfriend before I really know that is a role I can actually fulfil, without involving them in the issues I am still working through myself. I have waited this long, that a few extra months or even a year, should really be nothing in comparison.

As BFTP and I talked, these thoughts hadn't fully developed in the way I've just explained. But the basic lightbulb moment had occurred and I realised that I knew what the right thing to do is. We needed to put on the brakes and just rewind a little. Maybe rewinding wasn't a possibility, but we needed to at least press pause. I can feel my expectations rising and I could feel that I was starting to place the responsibility and the expectations I have of a boyfriend on to him, and unfairly so. He hasn't adopted that role, he hasn't even asked for it just yet, he's not even ready for it. And perhaps I am not really as ready for it as I think I am. Either way, to expect him to act in a way according to a label he hasn't even adopted, is completely unreasonable and unfair. I didn't even realise I was doing it. But I'm glad for the epiphany. I don't feel any differently about him than I did before. I still think he is amazing. I still think he is a wonderful person. I still think he could be a person I could potentially spend the rest of my life with. I still think of him as an incredibly special and close friend. I still feel all of those things. I have just realised that our potential needs more time than I was allowing it, to become a reality. We are probably not going to be in touch as much, or maybe just not as intensely, as we had been. But in the meantime, we are waiting for each other, knowing that when the time is exactly right, everything will fall into place the way we still believe that it can.