Write-Off

Can I just write the past week off, please and pretend it never happened? As soon as I can afford it, I think a need a holiday. It doesn’t really matter where and it doesn’t really matter if I go alone, I just need to get away. I need some space, I need a break from the same routine, the same sights, the same faces, the same old, same old.

I feel like I’m stagnating. That if I moved any slower, I’d start to acquire my very own covering of moss. My existence of late seems to be characterised by listlessness and inertia. Any sort of productivity seems to require intense effort and mental energy that I feel devoid of. I am requiring a lot of sleep again and feel the desire to hibernate. I hate not feeling excited about life, not feeling energetic like I used to, not feeling an interest in anything and personifying the term ‘lackadaisical’.

Boss Lady is still away and I don’t have much motivation to be efficient. There are lots of things I need to sort out, but since things have quietened down, I don’t have that sense of pressure which at the moment seems necessary to force me into action. Lolly is back, which is cool and means I will get a email distraction or two throughout the week, which helps more than she probably knows. The Mrs. is still calling me most evenings for a quick check and a chat. Sometimes I feel reluctant to talk and want to withdraw from everyone, but I usually always feel better after talking to her.

“How far away are we from payday?!” Miss T asked this morning. I laughed. “Don’t even start. It’s at least two full weeks away. We get paid a day early though! Shame it’s not two weeks early…” I sometimes wish that my job required overtime, which would be a more preferable way to spend my evenings than my current activity of nothingness. At least I would be getting paid more for doing so. I definitely need to get an extra job over Christmas, for which many places will be recruiting over the next month. But it’s always tricky to find a vacancy that doesn’t require me to work Friday nights or Saturdays and which I can comfortably get to from here, without adversely affecting my day job. I need to start looking and applying this week and will have to dig deep to find the energy from somewhere.

Aside from feeling emotionally discontent within my own mind, I am feeling increasingly discontent physically, within my own body. Having not made that promised first trip back to the gym just yet, my muscles and joints have been steadily stiffening, so that my shoulders are incredibly tense, my back has felt loose (not in a good way) and my leg muscles have felt very stiff and tight. Knowing that I don’t have particularly good joints anyway because of a condition I had as a teenager, I know I need to make regular effort to at least keep them supple. My lack of discipline has meant that this effort has dwindled. On Sunday, I woke up and knew I had to do something, even if it was just a stretch or two to get the ball rolling. I did a few Pilates stretches, trying to relax my back muscles and realign my spine. I stretched out my hamstrings, which have tightened beyond belief and tried to loosen my shoulder blades, neck and upper back. It killed, but it was necessary. I am still aching like a biatch today and will probably need to repeat the killer stretches a few times this week. It will hopefully get rid of some of my tension and muscle pain and make my fabled return to the gym that much easier.

Mentally, my dreams are still confusing and irritating me. They are a combination of banal, everyday occurrences, things that are bothering me, events that have actually happened or are happening, but all with a slight twist, so that I awake and take a while to remember what is a real event and what is not, often not realising something hasn’t actually happened that way until much later, when I finally remember the bizarre part of it that gives the game away.

*Sigh* Moan, moan, moan. I need to get over it. Or at least hibernate until I feel better.