This morning, I woke and knew it was early, because my alarm hadn’t even gone off yet (it was set for 8.45am). I lay there for a while and felt wide awake. I had things on my mind, so I decided to pray about them and then remembered that I also needed to pray for the many people I know at the moment that are experiencing tough times: like my uncle who has been suffering from on-going health problems that the hospital can’t seem to get to the root of; the mother-in-law of one of our small-group friends, who has just been diagnosed with liver cancer, so our friend has flown out to Pakistan with her husband and their daughter so that they can be with her; the various people looking for permanent work or experiencing financial difficulties, and so on.
After praying, it was still only just after 7am and I felt too awake to go back to sleep. I got up and cleaned my teeth, then went to get some cereal and tea for breakfast (cereal with a cup of tea on the side, not cereal with tea), returning to bed to try and write a blog post and see if my cousin was online to have a chat to, as I had promised to do (he is 8 hours ahead). He was online but didn’t reply, so I decided to catch the infamous recent episode of Question Time on BBC iPlayer (more on that in a separate post). I probably should have had a shower and got dressed early so I didn’t have to rush later on, but I was too comfy in my pyjamas and it wasn’t even 9am yet. Feeling a little bit restless, but possessing neither the desire to go back to sleep, or the energy to any anything particularly productive (like put some laundry on, or tidy some of my room), I randomly decided to clear out my email inbox. This might sound like a minor task, but this is the email address I use for virtually everything other than my blog and I am on a vast number of mailing lists. I had been putting this very task off for months, because my latest count of unread items was approximately 1500 (disgraceful, I know), most of them being mail outs from companies I buy from, or eBay reminders, or job and holiday alerts that I signed up to when I was looking for work and looking for cheap flights to NYC respectively and haven’t yet unsubscribed from. I’ve just been particularly lazy lately with actually opening the ones I want to look at and deleting the ones I have no interest in.
Perhaps an hour later, I had downsized my inbox to 6 pages (which is a reduction by 90+%) and only had one unread item, which I actually had read, but wanted to mark out so that I remembered to reply relatively soon. Feeling rather pleased with myself, although there was nothing to show for this productivity other than the inbox that only I see, I thought I should probably have a nice soak in the bath. That is, until I heard Bro-in-Law get up and beat me to it. While waiting for him to finish, my cousin eventually showed up after having an afternoon nap (his time). We chatted for a while, but by now it was nearly 10.30am and I was probably going to have to get the 11.30am train to make my lunch date on time. However, while chatting to my cuz, Big Sis made it into the bathroom ahead of me. I chatted to my cuz until she had finished, by which time it was virtually 11.00am and there was virtually no hot water left. Great. I tried not to snap at Big Sis when she told me this, knowing that for one thing, I had been awake for four hours already and could have had a bath ages ago and also that I am feeling rather hormonal and snappy. I had a lukewarm shower, which probably helped me to keep it brief, got dressed in a rush and legged it to the train station without having time to even stick some concealer on my blemishes.
Feeling in an increasingly irritable mood, I sat scowling on the train, listening to music and changing half-way to get the tube the fifteen stops to my final destination. I put mascara on while on the tube, which I prefer to avoid doing, but felt a little bit naked without. For a change, I arrived about twenty minutes earlier than our agreed 12.30, so popped into a couple of shops, resisting the urge to buy things I can’t afford in a bid to cheer up my foul mood. I was feeling unsociable, hormonal and low, which physically had me feeling extremely lethargic and seemingly unable to summon enough energy to walk down the street at a decent pace, never mind hold a conversation over a long lunch. At about 12.25, I meandered down to the restaurant and bagged an armchair by the window, texting my friends as such and knowing they would probably wonder if I had forgotten about the clocks changing and got here early by mistake.
S arrived not long after me, expressing jokingly that she was impressed with my timekeeping. We moved tables after realising that the one we were at was more suited in size to coffee, than plates of food. We had a chat while waiting for N. She updated me on what was happening and I felt concerned as she explained some relationship difficulties and suchlike. I responded, asking questions and expressing my perspective, but although I was engaging mentally and emotionally in the moment, I felt almost inanimate physically.
“Are you OK, Em?” S asked, seeming concerned.
“Yeah, I’m OK,” I answered, unable to summon up the acting skills which aren’t that great even on a good day.
“You don’t seem OK.”
I explained that I had been going through a low patch because of a few things that had happened and was finding it draining, both emotionally and physically, which made it quite difficult to function normally and put up my usual front that I am required to show at work. She was understanding and sympathetic.
“It is hard keeping up that professional façade, when you don’t feel like that inside. But when you’re with friends who know and accept you as you are, you can just be yourself. You don’t have to do that with us.”
It was actually nice to have someone ask, who cared about the answer and who knew how to deal with it. I felt relieved and more relaxed. My friends know about my depression, so I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable telling them, but I don’t like the feeling that I almost have to make the announcement that “I’m feeling low today.” I don’t want to be made a fuss over, but I do sometimes feel it is necessary to explain what could be perceived by others as lack of interest or aloofness. What makes it harder is when I am around people I am not close enough with to be able to explain this to, which means that I instead just try to avoid those people so that I don’t have to drain myself of the small amount of energy I do have pretending to be ‘normal.’
We chit-chatted a while longer over drinks until N arrived, then ordered our meals, all agreeing we would choose desserts over starters. Three hours, three chicken dishes, three desserts (mocha cheesecake, lemon tart and tiramisu) and three pots of tea later, we had laughed till our bellies hurt and discussed everything including work, career plans, relationships, colleagues, birthdays, holidays, marriage, feeling stifled, independence and (specifically relating to me) the outcome of the saga with NY Guy. Part of me had been reluctant to see the girls, because when I had my last Sunday lunch with them, NY Guy and I were still together and they knew he was planning to come over. I had been dreading relaying the whole back story to them, mainly because it drains me to even think about it, but I knew that they would ask about it. They were suitably supportive of me and insulting of him, both being completely baffled by his behaviour and coming to the conclusion that there is obviously something wrong with him (lol).
I explained to N that I had mentioned to S about feeling low, but that they had really cheered me up and it had been lovely to see them as usual. It was nearing 4.00pm and I realised I would need to hot-foot it out of there, if I wanted to get home in time to drop off some stuff and have a quick costume change, before Mum arrived to pick us up for the concert at 6.00pm. We paid the bill, wandered down towards the station and said our goodbyes with big hugs and the suggestion to meet up again at the end of next month. It had been a really lovely afternoon. I got on the bus and checked the time, realising that it was actually going to be a bit tight to make it home.
Five minutes from the train station, I got a text from Big Sis.
Mum's here already. Are we meeting you up there?
Checking the time, it was only 5.00pm.
I thought we were leaving at 6?! I asked. I'm a bit later than expected.
Yeah I know, Mum’s getting stressed!
Feeling the hormones surge again, I knew I was definitely not in the mood to be around Mum when she is like that. I had missed a train by a couple of minutes and there wasn’t one for another half an hour. I texted back, feeling irritated that I hadn’t left enough time and irritated that Mum seemingly couldn’t wait 10 extra minutes for me. The concert didn’t start until 7.30pm!
Fine. I’ll meet you up here.
I now had to wander the streets like a nomad, not really wanting to get to the venue too early and also knowing that I should probably get a bite to eat before the show, which would be easier and less expensive where I was. I caved into my hormonal cravings and bought some KFC, but wasn’t feeling especially hungry just yet, as I was still full from my ample lunch. I sat at a table and ate my chips, deciding to give The Mrs a call for a quick chat, but she wasn’t around. I went to the loos to powder my nose (and my forehead and my chin and my cheeks and pretty much my whole face, lol) and doll up a little for our evening. It was still only about 5.45 and I had ages to kill. I decided I might as well make my way the three tube stops to the venue so I could pick up the tickets and sit by the river, which was way nicer than being in the train station. When I got there, I had to cross over the footbridge to the South Bank, which I did at a nice leisurely pace (which still only took me five minutes). The Royal Festival Hall was directly opposite, so once I walked down the steps from the footbridge and entered the foyer, I had picked up the tickets from an automated machine within approximately five minutes of being there. Hmm, that didn’t kill quite as much time as I’d hoped. I was hot (wearing a sweater dress, which was the reason I wanted to go home and change), so went to sit facing the Thames so that I could get cold in time for the concert.
It was lovely looking out on the river after dark, with all the nearby landmarks lit up prettily, a slight breeze ruffling through the leaves on the trees overhead and the gentle lapping of the river next to me. I stood for a while, leaning against the railings, looking over into the water and wondering how cold the river must be. It was a nice evening, not too cold but fairly clear and it was bustling with people around there as always. I had my music on and my iPod threw on Eva Cassidy’s live version of Louis Armstrong’s What A Wonderful World, which seemed to complement the surroundings perfectly. I looked across the river and felt pangs of sadness, confusion, frustration and anger, knowing that NY Guy’s hotel was virtually directly opposite where I was standing, albeit with a couple of buildings in between. I couldn’t believe that there was a river of only a few hundred metres’ width between us, that was crossable via footbridge, when previously there was an ocean of three thousand miles keeping us apart and it didn’t seem to make the slightest bit of difference.
I sat at the river for a while, listening to my tunes and people-watching. I had a moment of fear (and probably paranoia) when a man in a hoodie jogged past me who looked rather like NY Guy, but was jogging too fast for me to be sure. I laughed at the irony of him potentially bumping into me unexpectedly, when he has seemingly tried so hard to avoid me, despite all his verbal attempts at the opposite. Just before 7.00pm, Big Sis called me and I went to the entrance to meet them. Mum was in a bit of a fluster, which my mood was feeling intolerant to, but I tried to be nice and not take out my issues on her. At 7.00pm the doors to the auditorium had opened, so we made our way to our seats, unexpectedly seeing a few people we knew on the way in. The seats actually had a fairly decent view and we got settled in, looking forward to the evening of music ahead.
The concert was amazing. The whole crowd was singing along and the atmosphere was really worshipful and joyous. My bad mood ebbed away and was completely gone after a few songs. The music was fantastic and the sound was still pretty good from where we were, even though the majority of the speakers were of course facing towards the audience, rather than towards the choir seats that we were sat in. I became emotional on more than one occasion, feeling overwhelmed by the beauty of the words we were singing and the sincerity with which everyone was singing them. Mum took loads of pics and really enjoyed herself. When Ernie Haase and Signature Sound came on for their set (to rapturous applause), they waved at the crowd and didn't forget us in the choir seats. I teased Mum to "wave to her boyfriend" because there is one member she thinks is rather handsome. She smiled and then waved enthusiastically, before saying to me completely deadpan, "He ignored me." I got the giggles and it took me a while to calm down. Big Sis recorded lots of video clips on her phone, including lots of our favourite songs, like Mary, Did You Know? sung by the man who had written its lyrics, Mark Lowry himself.
The concert had a short interval, but lasted 3 hours and 30 minutes! I couldn't believe the time when we left, it didn't seem like that long at all. None of us were getting even a tad restless, because we were enjoying it so much. During the interval, a couple who were sat next to Mum started talking to her. Later on, she told us that they were a Jewish couple from Israel, who had randomly seen this Christian concert advertised and had decided to just come along to see what it was about. They kept telling my Mum how impressed they were with the music, the fact that everyone was singing along and the fact that everyone seemed to be familiar with the songs and hymns despite the diversity of Christian denominations and groups represented. They had really enjoyed themselves and were asking Mum about her beliefs, being pleasantly surprised to find that we worship on the same Sabbath that they do.
It was a fantastic evening. We left feeling really refreshed and uplifted, even though it was quite late and it had been a long day (for muggins here, who got up at an unnatural hour). I was really happy that it had been so enjoyable, particularly that Mum had enjoyed herself and that I had been able to play a part in that. All in all, it was a lovely weekend. I was absolutely exhausted when I got home, but I wouldn't have it for any other reason.
For a more detailed description of the concert, see a GaitherCommunity.com member's account here.
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