From A Safe Distance

So, NY Guy reneged on his promise to call...on the day he said. As I was leaving work yesterday to meet Lolly, I checked the time on my phone and saw I had a new voicemail. I wasn’t expecting a call, so checked the number first. It was a US number. His NY office number. I never saved it in my phone because no-one else calls me from the US, so I always recognised the number and knew it was him. I scoffed when I saw the number, wondering why he is still bothering and also why he is calling me when he is back in NYC, despite being in London the previous three weeks.

I checked the message. He lets me know he is back in NY but will be back here in just over a week. He thinks it’s crazy that he’s been here so much and we still haven’t met up (note: no mention of his rather significant role in that, or an apology for not getting his act together sooner). He thinks it’s sad and really wants to set something up because it would be a shame for us to not see each other. He goes so far to say that he doesn’t want to go another week being in London without seeing me. He is going to call me again to arrange things. He hopes things are going well for me and can’t wait to see me.

I am a little confused by his constantly conflicting messages and am irritated slightly by the emotion it still provokes in me. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I know I still have feelings for him in some respect, but I don’t know if it’s just affection for someone I cared about and was fond of, a sense of nostalgia or the remnants of a broken heart that still needs to be healed by the person who broke it.

I still think that he’s a punk. It doesn’t make sense to me to wait until he is back in NY, to call me to make arrangements for us to meet in London. I also wonder if he’ll even stick to any plans we do potentially make. I get the feeling he is scared, that it was safer to make that call while the Atlantic separates us, that he can confidently say “Let’s see each other,” because he knows that it isn’t physically possible at that moment. He needs the buffer of making the plans while knowing he can later make up some excuse to get out of them, when he is back here and suddenly realises that any plans frivolously made from afar can now actually happen. I don’t think he does it maliciously, but I think he is fighting against what he wants to do with the fear of knowing what he ultimately wants isn’t really an option any more.

Or maybe he’s just a game-playing idiot…? And maybe I’m just a sucker!