Change Of Mind

I spoke to The Ex last night. We have spoken a few times recently. He knows I am feeling low and has called me in the daytime at work a couple of times to check on me. I explained how I was feeling and that I am slowly becoming more and more distrustful of people and scared of getting into a relationship again. He was understanding and said that when it comes to me feeling that way about him, that is completely understandable, but that I shouldn’t just distrust everyone. He was reassuring me that there was someone out there for me and that I should try to stay open to the idea of a relationship and give people the benefit of the doubt until they actually give me a reason to distrust them. Hmm, wise words. He has changed! Lol.

I think that despite the past and the difficulties we have experienced as the dynamics of our relationship changed, what makes me more open to staying in touch with him at times is the fact that he realises his part in why things broke down and he accepts responsibility for it. He has apologised, he is not too proud to take the blame where necessary and he has seemingly learnt from his mistakes. I think that the reason I still get so upset about things with NY Guy is because he still doesn’t get it. He still doesn’t fully comprehend why I broke up with him and he doesn’t seem to accept his rather large role in making that happen. It doesn’t matter how well I have explained my point of view, or my feelings about the situation. He diverts responsibility and will say things like “Yeah, I know I did so and so, but that doesn’t make what you did right.” He doesn’t seem to understand how some of his actions have directly affected and catalysed mine. He still thinks that telling someone you love them is enough to right all your wrongs. That just because you’ve said sorry, they should move on, whether or not your subsequent behaviour has really changed.

BFTP talked a lot about reconciliation. He had been treated badly in the past and he understood the fact that even after someone has apologised and asked for forgiveness, even if they seem completely sincere and their behaviour has changed, that reconciliation still takes time. Receiving an apology from the person who hurt you doesn’t magically make the hurt disappear. It doesn’t reverse the actions that caused the hurt. It doesn’t mean that your ability to trust them completely is supernaturally restored. These things take time and they may be near on impossible if the person in the wrong won’t even fully accept the effect of their actions.

The Ex has experienced his own low points, has been in his own ‘dark place’ as he described it. He admitted that he is a deep thinker, which I knew anyway, and that if he is feeling low, he can dwell on things too much if he has the chance. I can relate. I don’t know why exactly I felt the need to open up to him a little, but I knew I needed to be honest. We have been talking and it’s only right that he understands I still have reluctance in this situation. It’s also best that he understands my current state of mind. As we talked, I started to cry a little. I don’t know if he knew and I don’t know exactly what caused the tears.

When I spoke to him at work, he made mention about the fact that if he doesn’t like something, or is in a bad mood or annoyed, he is just blatant about it. He explained that at least if I didn’t want to be around him, I could then just choose not to and say so, or tell him he was being an arsehole, or whatever. But he said that if I feel that way, I go to somewhere inside and hold it there, so that he knows I am upset about something, but that I won’t let it out. He said that it’s harder to deal with and that I should try to let it out. If there is one thing I have learnt from that relationship and to be honest, from all my relationships, NY Guy included, it is that it is best to express what is on my mind, to tell the person straight away if they have made me unhappy or done something to upset me. I have learnt that it is better to accept the potentially negative consequences of telling the truth, than to end up being negatively affected myself because I decided to keep quiet. I have often done so just to spare the feelings of others, to my own detriment. It is not something that comes as easily to me as other things and I am still trying to figure out why. I know that my Mum is a very direct person and that at certain times when I was growing up, if she was upset about something or was in a bad mood then the whole house knew about it. I think that sometimes I didn’t like the atmosphere that it created and perhaps I have tried to avoid doing that myself, but what I didn’t realise is that even in my silence, my mood has just as much of a negative affect than if I had shouted and screamed.

I think that somewhere along the line I started to develop the erroneous perception that I shouldn’t complain about things because it wasn’t the ‘right’ thing to do, that perhaps I didn’t deserve to make a big fuss over things and that I was being too sensitive by expressing upset over someone’s words or actions, thinking that such things were insignificant and that I should learn to get over it. I don’t know where this idea came from, but I know that it’s not right. I think that because of bad experiences, I have become used to having my feelings dismissed and my opinion belittled and I eventually started to believe that to be true, until I didn’t bother to express them anymore, because doing so was pointless. I lost my voice and instead of being vocal, I became thoughtful, in the sense that I internalised everything, mulled over all the things that upset me, made them part of me and then carried them around until I was burdened with the emotional baggage of frustration, bitterness, resentment, anger, upset, low self-esteem and a distorted view of who I was, what I deserved and what I should expect and be fully justified in wanting from relationships.

I understand where I have gone wrong. I understand the mistakes I have made. I am aware that the value I have placed on me, on my voice, my opinions and my needs is too low. But how to build that back up, how to change my perceptions, how to stop feeling so down, is the problem. I wish I didn’t need someone else to help me believe in myself, but at the moment, I can’t seem to find the internal strength to do it alone.