Self Assessment

I don’t think I’m a very nice person. I think my intentions are good, my spirit is willing, but my flesh is oh so weak. I know that I am nowhere as disciplined as I would like or think I should be. My self-esteem seems to be at an all-time low, which is bizarre, because I’m actually fairly content within myself at times. When around other people, I don’t feel inadequate or unable to hold a conversation, or think that I don’t have a right to an opinion. In those situations, I seem to be fine, possibly even confident and borderline self-assured. But when it comes to relationships, when it comes to value below the surface, I just feel of little worth. I seem to need the attention of other people, or at least their assurance, their attraction, their affection, to feel like I am worth something. I don’t understand why. I know it’s not good. I know it’s not something I should base any of my self-worth on. I have always felt that it is better to valued for attributes of much more importance than your looks or attractiveness, physical or otherwise. But yet for some reason, I still subconsciously seem to place a lot of importance on it. I don’t feel good about any of my other qualities, perhaps because I don’t feel I have achieved anything of especial mention, and possibly because none of those other qualities seem to have got me anywhere.

I used to think I was a person of integrity, a person with a strong moral compass, a person with values, a person who was strong-minded. Lately, I feel utterly weak-willed and useless, without the strength of character I have fooled myself into believing I possess. I think I have been worn down gradually until it seems that now I don’t even really believe I deserve any of the things that people of integrity achieve in life. I feel conflicted and unable to stand on my own. I shouldn’t need the positive opinions of others to make me feel good about myself. The stupid thing is that the good feeling is only temporary in any case. Once I am alone, I still don’t feel good, no matter how wanted I have felt earlier on.

I don’t really know what to do. I know that I need to make some changes, to take some action to make things better, to improve my overall quality of life, to get my act together and learn to be happy and content. But I feel helpless. I seem to keep making a couple of steps forward, then dropping six steps backwards with any little setback. I feel trapped and I need to get away. If I don’t get a better-paid job in the meantime, I still have about nine months until some bills are finally paid off and my financial situation improves. If I can improve my pay as well, then I might be in a position to take a nice long holiday, or possibly move out into a place of my own. But until then, I need to find a way to get by while feeling content within my own skin, to live rather than just exist, to endure rather than just cope, to be worthwhile rather than to just be. But how?