So Tired, Tired of Waiting...

I am so over this. I can’t even be bothered to talk about it in detail. Why is it that people are so unreliable, even with the smallest of things? I am getting increasingly drained emotionally and it is really taking its toll on me physically. I feel exhausted, lethargic and just generally listless. I am a little bored now of being depressed. It would help if I didn’t have people in my life who just exacerbated the feeling. Even when I try to remove the negative influences from around me and stick with those who are encouraging, understanding and supportive, while at the same time being honest and constructive with their advice or criticism, it sometimes feels like the negative ones purposely seek me out! Most of my positivity since getting my new job has already worn off. I still don’t have even a tentative start date to give me something to count down to, to enable me to set goals with a timetable to work to for tasks that needs to be completed by then. I don’t have a date from when I can expect to get paid at the higher rate, so I could at least start budgeting for some of the things I need to buy.

Everything is still on hold, the way it has been with almost everything in my life for the past 2 years or more. In that time, if I wasn’t dealing with the subconscious dread that The Ex would get back in touch, I was coping with the hope and expectation of things moving forward with NY Guy and the many disappointments when they didn't. If I wasn't waiting for the stress and disorganisation of the restructure at work to settle down, I was instead waiting to hear whether they would replace my supervisor, or for the results of an interview, or whether I could get my job level reviewed, or waiting for the date when I can start my new duties, as I am now. I waited for BFTP to get back in touch, until I decided that with all the other things I seem to end up waiting on, I should just relegate him to the past where he had lived for the past 10 years. I’m perpetually waiting on when The Ex will start up contact again, as he always leaves it long enough for me to forget everything that has gone before and wonder again if we actually can be friends, until we end up getting in contact or seeing each other and then I remember that the answer is still a resounding no. I’m hoping this might change now I have changed my number. I still have the old one, but I haven’t given him the new one and I don’t intend to. Most recently, it has been a waiting game to see whether NY Guy would get back in touch, seeing as he keeps doing so randomly and complaining that we still haven’t met up, then not bothering to do anything about it, or making plans and not sticking to them. Then days or weeks pass and the cycle starts again.

Even when I don’t want to wait, even when I am trying to get on with things, I seem to get pulled back into this never-ending game of cat and mouse in which I am always the one chasing when I want to be chased, or the one being chased when I’d rather not be. I’m sick of it. I cannot wait until my circumstances improve and I can start making things happen instead of waiting on people who are never going to come through for me. The only problem is that until that happens, I have a few months of waiting still ahead...