Effort of Movement

I left work early last night. On the way home I remembered a work email that I was waiting on a response to by the end of the day so that I could pass the information on to a colleague. Most of my journey home was spend trying to remotely access my work mailbox (I’m not syncing it with my BlackBerry, are you kidding me?). The technology wasn’t playing along and when I looked up, I realised I was going through a tunnel. “Hang on,” I thought, “we passed the tunnel before my station a little while ago…which tunnel is this…?” When we exited the tunnel, I slowly recognised some of the surroundings and realised I was heading towards the station after mine. In all my years taking the train home, I don’t think I have ever missed my stop once. Not good. Luckily there was a train going back to my station due in a few minutes, so I changed platforms and walked down it so that I could get on near the back of train, as that is where the stairs are to exit at my station. Of course, I had forgotten that with the station currently being refurbished, there is a temporary exit that is in the middle of the platform instead of the end, so my extra walking with the idea of saving time saved me very little, as I had to walk all the way back down to the middle of the platform, which was level to where I would have got on the train, if I wasn't trying to be a geek. *Sigh*

I had little energy for anything last night, but watched the grand final of MasterChef: The Professionals with Big Sis, while tucked up in bed (before 9.30pm, lol). The chef we were rooting for won, which I was really pleased about. The dude has some serious skills, but on top of that was quite innovative and creative, using some unique ideas in his menus and presentation. It was cool.

When I woke today, it wasn't easy. If it wasn’t for the fact that my attendance at work is being monitored, I don’t think I would have come in today. I feel absolutely exhausted, completely drained of all energy and motivation and am finding it hard to focus and function. It’s almost as if negative energy has collected in my joints overnight and my limbs now feel incredibly heavy. It’s quite an effort to even walk. To be honest, it is taking quite a lot of energy to keep up a façade of normality at the moment. Lolly invited me out for a drink with two of her friends last night (who she worked with where I used to work too). I was feeling pretty low and wasn’t sure I wanted to go straight home, so had wondered if she was busy. I appreciated the invitation, but to be honest, the prospect of having to be around people who I’m not extremely close to, who I would have to put up the usual front with, was draining in itself. I couldn’t face having to be around people for whom I would have to give an explanation for my lacklustre demeanour. I am finding it tough this week and it is sapping the small amount of energy I have to just function normally around people. I’ve had a couple of OK days, where I’ve managed to be perky without pretending, but I’ve realised that I feel even more drained a day or two later.

On Sunday, I’m meeting my uni girls for lunch. I haven’t seen them for a few months. In fact, I think the last time I saw them I was still with NY Guy. I am looking forward to seeing them, but at the same time I have been dreading the prospect. I’m not looking forward to having to explain how much things have changed since we last spoke. They know I have been depressed and they are both very understanding, but it still makes me feel anxious that they will be waiting in anticipation of the updates that I am unable to give them.

I am so glad that it is Friday and that the Sabbath is approaching. I think it’s the only day of the week at the moment that I truly enjoy.