Words That Say Nothing At All

I was tucked up in bed, granny-blanketed and Night Nursed-up by 11.00pm last night. I had spoken to The Mrs for a little while, who by her own admission was in a mood, but still managed to make me laugh. I was feeling quite exhausted from the past week and in need of an early night. My body was relaxed, but my mind was far from it. I was feeling really low, on the verge of tears and almost wishing I could just fall sleep and not wake up, at least for a good while. I wrestled with the overwhelming sense of discontent and tried to ignore it enough so that I could just sleep. Lolly texted me after going to a comedy show with some friends, so we texted back and forth a few times as she prepares to head off to The People's Preferred Choice of China (aka Hong Kong, don't ask why we call it this) today.

Sometime after 11.00, I was still lying awake, unable to settle and feeling incredibly low and restless. I prayed a little and then decided to send a text. Which side of the Atlantic are you on? I pressed send. I knew which side of the Atlantic he was on. I also knew that despite feeling that he had made little effort to contact me, I was still incapable of just leaving him to his own devices. I waited for the received report, but it never came and I drifted off to sleep. My phone buzzed and woke me up at 1.41am. I know it's late but I would love to see you soon if you still want...sorry if I woke you. I check my sent messages. Inexplicably, my earlier text hasn't gone through. I find it a bizarre coincidence that it appears he didn't receive my text, but decides to message me the same night. I also wonder what made him do so at such an hour. Maybe he'd been out with some workmates and was having an alcohol-induced weak moment. I don't know what his motivation would be, otherwise. I text back. You did. Did you get my text earlier? If not, that's a little freaky. What's up with the time? Can't sleep? I drift back to sleep, but there is no reply in any case. I don't get him. I have been wondering if I should get this meeting in person out of the way, while I am feeling more militant than usual. I'm still not sure though. It still upsets and irritates me that he sends little snippets to get under my skin, then disappears again when I respond. Is he playing games or is just really that unreliable? I can't quite work it out.

I have the usual weird dreams and wake in the middle of the night, once again in a cold sweat and feeling freezing, even though I have long-sleeved pyjamas on, an extra granny blanket over my duvet and the window only open a crack. I am awoken by my alarm at 7.30am, but can't get up. Big Sis sends a text to tell me she is on her way, just after 8.30am. I get up closer to 9am, when Mum calls and stumble into the bathroom, baulking at how big my hair has got overnight and feeling stuffy-headed and achey. I have a long, hot shower and get dressed and ready, before going downstairs to get some breakfast. Before dressing, I weigh myself and am impressed by the couple of pounds or so I have gained this week, thanks to my newly-acquired greedy-guts status.

I am feeling a little better emotionally than the night before, but nothing is really any clearer or better understood. Later that day, in early evening, I text him again. Why did you send a text then not reply? You say you want to meet up but then you don't contact me. I don't get it. What are you up to tomorrow? I hate this back-and-forth business. I want to get the meeting up out of the way. I don't hold out hope for a quick response, but one comes a little later. I passed out, I was drinking last night...sorry. I'm going to Paris right now with friends from work, won't get back til late tomorrow but if you want to meet up this week that would be great. As I suspected. An alcohol-fuelled initiation of contact. How terribly predictable. We text back and forth a little but it's just chit-chat. He isn't especially expressive by text anyway. I am often confused by his effort to text just one word, like 'Haha' or 'Lol.' I am confused by my seeming compulsion to text back regardless. The conversation tails off and I don't reply. I still don't understand why he is allegedly still bothered to see me. I still don't even believe he really is bothered about seeing me. What I do know is that he is incredibly self-sufficient and proud. And I am incredibly low in self-esteem and weak.