The Week In Review #19

So, how was your week? Eventful? Slow? Stressful? Exciting? Mine was actually eventful for a change and in a good way. Best week I've had in ages.

Best Unexpected News of the Week - "I'm coming to London! Tomorrow!"
BFTP decided to come down to London from the East Midlands where he lives. He has been toying with the idea of moving here and so decided to come down to stay with his friend for a week, to suss out accommodation and work prospects, as well as see if he actually liked it, before making any firm decisions.

Most Unrealistic Decision of the Week - "Let's not see each other."
We decided that although he was going to be here, we wouldn't see each other. We had not yet made anything official, both have a few things we are working on emotionally and really didn't want to rush things. In any case, he would be staying on the completely opposite side of London and I also felt that I wanted any decision he made to move here to not be unduly influenced by me.

Quickest Change of Plans of the Week - "Actually, let's."
He arrived on Tuesday afternoon and chilled that evening with his friend. We were full of resolve that even though it felt nice knowing we were closer together in distance, we would just keep things as they were for now. Fast forward to Wednesday evening: we were talking on Skype and laughed at the fact that we could just be talking in person. A couple of hours later, we were. We were the next evening, too.

Most Touristy Evening of the Week - London By Night
Talking into the early hours with my BFTP, sat on a bench in Trafalgar Square.

Most Stupid Mistake of the Week - Missing a Deadline
I handed in my application for yet another internal position at work a little too late due to a combination of my own disorganisation, lack of foresight and being out of the office the next morning for a work event. The Office Manager had a chat to me in person to explain that he couldn't consider it because the other applications had already been forwarded to the short-listers. He wanted to say sorry in person and wished that I'd been able to submit it earlier, and expressed that he knows I am working above the level I am being paid for and that I am wasted in my current job. It was nice to know that someone who doesn't even work directly with me felt that way, but it still didn't stop me from kicking myself for being ill-prepared. He reassured me that the positions may be advertised externally if they can't fill them, so there may be a subsequent opportunity to apply. I am an idiot, but I have realised that I am really losing the motivation for anything where I currently am.

Most Comfortable and Successful 'Meet the Parents' Episode of the Week (and my life) - Sabbath With My Family
My BFTP arranged to come to church with me and the fam, so I gave him the directions and said I'd meet him at the station nearby the church when he got there. I asked my Mum if he could stay for lunch, even though we hadn't planned that in advance and everything was in place. I hadn't explained that the situation was anything more than our friend coming for lunch; I actually met him through my sister because she went to uni in his home town and met him when she attended church there. He came to visit me once and stayed with us, so my Mum remembered him. True to form, part of the tube wasn't running, so he had to get a replacement bus and we thought he might miss the service. But when I met him at the station and we walked back, we got there just as the sermon had started. Church was lovely, and lunch was really relaxing. He talked to my Dad for quite a while, Mum cooked and then we ate lunch together, exchanging stories and laughing heartily at similar experiences. I was amazed at just how relaxed my Mum was. She can sometimes be more reserved when around people she doesn't know so well, but she was exactly the same as she is when it's just us.

We had a long, relaxed lunch and talked and laughed some more. Then we decided to drive up to our old church on the other side of London and attend the final evening of a week-long evangelistic program they had been presenting, with a well-known American speaker. The drive was long but fun and we managed to stay in good spirits, despite taking a few wrong turns and getting there slightly later than intended. The church was packed, but we managed to get seats outside, watching the program on a screen. We saw loads of old friends and had mini catch-ups throughout the evening, had plenty of hugs and lots of comments that I had lost weight (as expected). The program was really good, the speaker gave his personal testimony about his background and family and interspersed this with singing. To finish off, we had a good ol' plate of food and had a good chat with lots of people we haven't seen for a long time. BFTP really enjoyed himself and commented on how warm the church felt because of how welcoming and friendly everyone was. I realised that sometimes it's easier to appreciate something when you've been away from it for a while.

It was 11pm by the time we left and there were still so many people still eating and talking and enjoying each other's company. BFTP was actually within walking distance of his friend's house, so decided to walk home. We parted with him thanking my Mum for her hospitality, hugging my sister and saying just how nice it was to see her again and hugging me for no more than 3 seconds even though we could have done for more, lol. The drive home flew by, as we exchanged news on the friends we had caught up on and Mum commented on how much she liked BFTP and how genuine he was. He's in there with the Mama. Result. :o)

Most Unexpectedly Good Weather of the Week - Sunday Sunshine
Sunday turned out to be perfect weather-wise: really sunny, a tiny bit of breeze and 25 degrees. Me and BFTP decided to spend the day together and go to the British Museum and the park. We decided to meet and laughed that we were both running late. We made up for the lack of physical contact the day before by greeting with the biggest hug and he surprised me with gorgeous orangey-red roses. We walked to the museum, entered the fabulously light reading room and wandered around the Egyptian and Assyrian exhibits before checking out the Rosetta stone and then heading out to get a drink. We sat on the steps outside and talked while sipping our drinks, and then decided that the weather was so nice we should just head to the park. A bus ride later, we were picking up fruit and yummy treats and sandwiches from M&S and then found a nice spot in Hyde Park with just the right combination of sun and shade. We laid out the picnic blanket I had brought along and tucked into our goodies. We talked, we cuddled, we laughed out loud so much that passers-by started to chuckle just by listening to us. It was a perfect afternoon.

When the sun got lower, it got a little cold and we decided to make moves. Parting at the tube station I tried not to think about the fact that we didn't really know when we'd next get to see each other in person. We stole a last kiss and it wasn't until I was on the bus and he was on his train that he realised he had walked off with my picnic blanket. My journey home took ages thanks to a combination of lack of trains and excess of engineering works, but even that couldn't spoil the day. I got home, put my roses in a water-filled vase and kept one at his request to dry, so that we could remember that day. Big Sis commented that I had caught the sun. I had, in more ways than one. I felt exhausted but extremely happy.

_______________________________

Other than the fact that he goes home tomorrow, for the first time in a while I am actually looking forward to the week, for a change. It will probably be hard and there will no doubt be a challenge to meet here and there, but I am feeling much more positive about meeting them head-on. I hope your week was suitably productive, enjoyable, or at the very least quick! Can't wait for next weekend. Hopefully the journey towards it will be a good one.

Last Night

Spontaneous decision to meet up. It's late. Go with the flow. Getting ready. Hot bath, wash hair. What to wear? Bad skin day. Not looking my best. Go with comfort. Feel nervous but excited. Imagine how meeting will be. Calls to confirm. Tunes on. I am ready…near enough. Say my goodbyes. Don't wait up! Texts back and forth. Tell the Mrs. She calms the nerves. Train takes what feels like an unnaturally long amount of time. Get to station. Go to get out cash. Left my cards! The shame. Will have to mug a granny on the way. Get the bus. Stuck in traffic. Nerves increase. No text back yet, he hasn't arrived. Noisy group of fun-loving Spanish party people on the bus. Smile. Text. He is there. Which exit? Be there in 5. Bus turns. I see a glimpse. Is it him? Nerves really kick in. Walk up, he sees. We smile and say hello. Huge hug. Don't want to let go. A little shy to look him in the eye. He feels my heart pounding. We walk and talk. Get to Tas. Order two fresh mint teas. Sipping slowly while talking. Still feeling shy. Order another for the road. Leave and contemplate routes home. We can't say goodbye so soon. Screw the last tube. The night is ours.

His hand holds mine. Walk down Charing Cross Road. Pass Leicester Square. Amazed at how many people are still out and about. Where to stop and sit and chat? I know. Get to Trafalgar Square. Find a bench just for us two. Clock strikes midnight as we arrive. Better not turn into a pumpkin. Arm around my shoulders, keeps me warm. We talk. We laugh. We smile. The night is nice. Not so cold. 1am comes and goes. Very light rain. Shall we make moves? Night bus it is, then. Cuddle at bus stop. We laugh. Bus takes a while. We see the sights as the bus takes us back. 30 minutes. Slightly heavier rain. We don't mind getting wet. Not a girlie girl, he says. I smile. Nearly home. Out of breath. We arrive. Surreal. He steps in. We are 17 and 18 again. We talk. Time is ticking. We kiss. We laugh. To bed. We talk. I get the giggles. We are relaxed. He feels at home. I can't sleep. He strokes my hair. We sleep. He doesn't snore. Alarm, way too soon. We wake. Almost. We doze. We wake. Up we get, eventually. Devotional online. We pray. Watch silly video clips while getting ready. We crack up. Get dressed, look human. Shun contacts in favour of specs. Eyes are tired. We don't want to leave. Walk to station. Just on time for the train. Everyone else disappears. Listen to our songs as the stations pass. Similar views on PDAs. OK, just not too full-on. :o) Smiles. Chooooooon. Sigh, when the destination arrives. We walk. Pick up Shortlist mag. He needs some reading material for the tube ride home. Walk to tube. Directions. Instructions. He isn't really listening. He is looking at me. We hug. We kiss. Goodbyes. Until the next time. Soon.

Swings and Roundabouts

It's weird. Work seemed like the utter bane of my life for a while, but I think I managed to cope because of the fact I had some great temporary colleagues working with me, some lovely workmates I could go to lunch and have a moan with and I was getting by with non-work distractions in the shape of complicated personal relationships. However, although my temporary colleagues have either moved on completely or been moved to another team (Mini Me) which means the work load is bigger again, the personal relationships are now thankfully less complicated (and getting gradually less so, I hope). But still, things are relatively quiet at work in some respects. When I say quiet, I mean brain-numbingly BORING. I have lots to be getting on with, but just don't have the motivation and desire to do it. I find this sort of odd, considering I was so much unhappier a few months back to the point of having to escape to the toilets at work just to try and hide my tears at random intervals, but seemed to be able to actually get more work done. I have realised that I don't thrive in these periods of infrequent activity and probably respond much better to pressurised situations and impending deadlines. But I know that if I'm honest, right now I would probably be just as lackadaisical in that sort of environment too.

I don't know what this means. I have been pondering for a while if a life in admin in an academic/university environment is all I'd really dreamed of, or at least was something I would see myself being able to sort of enjoy and forge a half-decent career in. I have toyed with the random idea of studying to be a nurse (partially inspired by the Mrs, partially by my Mum, partially by a desire to have a real-life career and one that might actually mean something) and wondered what other options I could look into. But nothing seems to fire up a passion in me that I feel is unquenchable. I don't know if that is because I've just become so demotivated by the rubbish management where I work and my own seemingly unfair more-responsibility-without-more-pay situation, but I sometimes wonder if I'll really ever find a vocation that I will love doing. I know that most people don't make a living by living out their passions, but I find it extremely depressing knowing that I will potentially spend at least 20% of the total hours in every week at a place that brings me no real excitement or satisfaction.

Perhaps I'm one of those people who is just never going to find contentment, lol! I don't like complaining, honest guv (!), but it seems like as soon as one part of my life seems to be falling somewhat into place, another part becomes glaringly unsatisfactory. I am going to apply for another internal position, in the same section that my sub-team is a part of. It's the next level up and might give me a bit more variety to make my work life more interesting. Failing that, there are a few positions externally that had caught my eye, so assuming they are still open for applications, I may just put one in. I suppose I don't have anything to lose. I may not have a huge amount to gain, but if I at least gain a change (which I'm told is as good as a rest) and a bit of extra dough, that's a start.

InAction

I wrote this poem and posted it elsewhere more than a year ago. At the time, I was feeling demotivated and was frustrated with the knowledge that life had become stagnant, that I needed to take action, but was conflicted by the fact that I couldn't seem to get motivated, partly because I didn't really know what action to take. I am still not completely sure exactly what changes I need to put in place, but I have made a couple of changes already and that's a start. I don't have quite the same feeling of hopelessness or pessimism that I had back then, but I thought I would make a reminder of the pep talk I had written to myself, in the hope that my current feeling of movement won't lose momentum.

InAction

It's no fun waiting.
Wish I was ahead of the action
Or was my own protagonist
Not even the main character
In my own story
How to make things happen?
Hmm.
Inaction leads to uncertainty
Insecurity
I don't fit in.
Or at least sometimes,
In my own world.
I'm a disappointment
And disappointed
How to make them proud?
Hmm.
I just want to be me.
Happy.
I don't give in.
Or at least sometimes,
On my own terms
But at the worst times
Compromise and sacrifice are two different things
It's tough to be your own soldier
When you need someone to hold
Your hand
Only occasionally
But too proud to ask
Don't admit defeat!
Like the Pharaohs of old
Rewrite my history:
None of this even happened,
I was never unsure,
This was no mistake,
It was all part of the plan.
Sort of.
In a quandary.
Waiting for it to happen
But the only one I'm waiting on
Is me.
Get up! Get out! Do something!
Am I a coward?
Oh no.
I'm like an old English king
Whose portrait is much better than the real thing
In my head I'm a warrior
In reality
The armour is on
But I never left the house.
Enough.
Today has to be the day
The first day of the rest of my life
No looking back
No excuses
No regrets
No procrastination

ACTION

That's Why He Chose Us

During an email conversation last week, my BFTP wrote me the following:

"Often when we are at our weakest God is able to work his strength more effectively through us. I guess God isn’t in the business of using overly educated, arrogant self-dependant people. He would much rather use broken, wrecked, shattered and exhausted people which is why he has evidently chosen to use us. LOL."

I laughed out loud the same way he did, but I knew there was so much truth in what he had said. Being weak is not a bad thing when it means we can allow God to work His strength through us.

Contrary to the belief of some, God doesn't need us little humans to do His work. Our involvement is not necessary to show how amazing He is; in fact sometimes our very involvement is what has given God a bad name in the first place. However, God wants to involve us in His plan of salvation. His strength is shown even more clearly when we are weak. His wisdom is explained in all its profundity when our foolishness is exposed. His love is expressed all the more fully when we realise just how pale in comparison our own human attempts at love really are.

I have had a problem with faith and trust this past year. The irony is that I didn't have a problem with actually having either of those things; my problem was with what I put them into. I had faith in situations that things would work out, despite all the evidence to the contrary. I had faith in people that they would keep to their word and that I could rely on them, when all my previous experience and all their previous behaviour told me otherwise. I trusted in myself to make the best decisions for me and had faith that as long as I prayed now and then, things would be OK. How wrong I was.

I am slowly becoming more and more painfully aware of my weaknesses and just how little I can rely on my own weak human nature to make things right in my life. I think I already knew that, but I believed that I was intelligent and emotionally intuitive enough to do things on my own and to make wise decisions. While I think those things are still true to an extent, I am now aware that I can only do such things with God's direction, with His guidance, wisdom and strength. I have messed things up too many times by just trying to manage everything on my own, in my arrogance and rebelliousness.

So I am trying my absolute best to just stop being so stubborn with struggling on my own and just let go of things. I am going to try and give all my problems and decisions to God as much as possible every day and start relying on Him the way He wishes I would. God knows me better than I know myself, so who better to guide me through life than He? Thank God He uses broken, wrecked, shattered and exhausted people, otherwise He really would have no use for me.

Facing the Fear

Every day is a challenge. On the surface, maybe not much has changed, but inside, much progression is taking place. My BFTP and I have started doing a morning devotional together. I call him when I wake up and he reads the daily devotional to me that he used to read on his own. We might talk about it a little and discuss what questions it raises or answers, and then we pray together. I have never got into the habit of spending time with God first thing in the morning, even though I always knew I should. But making it a part of this new-found friendship has been a real blessing to me and has given me reassurance that this is something special.

Yesterday, things were a little bit tough. I could feel my insecurities rearing their ugly little heads amidst all the positive progress I have made and it took a lot of effort to stop them from getting to me. This relationship is challenging everything I am used to, but has the potential to fulfil everything I have wanted. I am so used to words and romantic clichés, that when someone doesn't use them as freely as I expect them to, I am thrown a little. The trouble is, I don't really need to hear the words this time, if the action is not going to follow. So why do I miss the reassurance of being told everything I want to hear, when past experience tells me that hearing them in no way guarantees actually experiencing those things?

At times I am able to rise above the fears, insecurities and cynicism and see this for what it is. Profound, real and serious. But occasionally, the 'little hater' tells me that I am being too optimistic, that God won't finish what He has started, that if I put my trust in this I will only end up being sorely disappointed, just the same as before. It's hard to ignore it and it is so easy to put the barriers back up and retreat to the familiar, comforting sense of apathy and distrust. But while I am scared at times of getting hurt, I believe that the fear I am experiencing is the kind which will lead to new strength. I am finding things difficult at times and don't always want to confront that, but I am trying my best to embrace this new experience, because I know that if I can get past it, there will be a whole world of exciting things to discover on the other side.

Familiarity Breeds...

I've realised something. Not a startling revelation, and one that will seem blindingly obvious when put in writing, but one that I (and many other people, in my observation) have seemingly been unable to actually put into practice in the past. Often we stay in situations, even though they are destructive, because it is easier to deal with something familiar, than to face up to a situation that will force us out of our delusional comfort and throw us into the potentially uncomfortable unknown. It is the cliché of deeming the devil you know to be better than the devil you don’t.

I know this, because I have done it. Over and over. I have stayed in certain predicaments because I was used to the pattern of behaviour, no matter how destructive it was to my development. But despite the fact that it was unhealthy for me, the familiarity and predictability of it at least offered some sort of twisted comfort, in knowing what I could expect and that I wouldn't be confronted with radical ideas or perspectives that maybe I wasn't ready for. I was impeding my own emotional growth, but the potential risk of getting hurt in a way I wasn't used to, made me strangely able to accept being hurt in a way that I was. When you experience the same action+reaction pattern time and again, you learn to expect it and you almost feel lost when what you expect doesn't occur.

I've often wondered if I am an emotional masochist, in that I inexplicably seem compelled to stay in situations that have been painful and unsatisfying. At the time there always seemed to be a good enough reason for it, namely the fact that I was blinded by emotion, was perhaps too willing to accept someone's word as their bond and also unwilling to accept the fact that when someone doesn't keep their word, perhaps you cannot also trust them to keep your heart.

My current special friendship with my BFTP has been a real learning curve for me and continues to be so. We have both expressed that we feel we are building the foundation of something that could prove to be unshakable in years to come, as long as we build it right. But it's not easy. I am finding at times that I have to really fight against my first reactions of jealousy, insecurity or instinct to just run away. I am learning to not immediately baulk at the unfamiliar, to be threatened by the unknown, or be frightened of confrontation with what is real and upfront, especially when it hurts. It is difficult to change the habits of a lifetime, but I know that the challenges I am facing now are going to strengthen the both of us as individuals and consequently, strengthen the bond between us that we are slowly building.

Familiarity, while it can bring us a false sense of security, does not guarantee real security or indeed happiness. Sometimes, the fear of stepping into the unknown is scarier than the actual unknown itself. We can become trapped by our reluctance to try something new, to experience something different, to take a risk, no matter how calculated it may be, just because the fear of the pain we may experience as a result is just too great. But there comes a time when the pain of staying trapped in that destructive familiarity must outweigh the fear of stepping out of it. Growth is not easy and it is not necessarily enjoyable or pleasant. But the pain of growth is eventually replaced by a deep sense of satisfaction when you can look back and see just how much you have grown. The pain itself grows into another sensation, one that is productive, healthy and conducive to happiness. The familiar pain of an unhealthy situation, however, does not grow into anything of any use to us. It simply festers until it becomes so ingrained in our psyche that we delude ourselves into believing that the sense of familiarity we feel is equivalent to contentment and happiness. We shut ourselves off to the kind of pain necessary for positive growth to the extent that we feel too weak to face such challenges and are rendered unable to recognise real contentment when we catch a glimpse of it.

I am learning that sometimes we have to take risks, but that taking risks means really stepping into the unknown, the unfamiliar. I have sometimes believed I was taking a risk, when all I was really doing was inadvertently stepping into another situation that followed a similar pattern to the one before. Same situation, different person. For the first time I am experiencing what it feels like to really jump head first into something unpredictable and unfamiliar. While it will take time to challenge my negative expectations and relearn behaviour that is healthy, I am finding it exciting, exhilarating and positive. Like the fear of jumping out of a plane on a sky-dive, I was incredibly hesitant at first and a little frightened. Previous experience has taught me to be cautious, but has also taught me to keep my expectations low and anticipate problems and heartache as a matter of course. But the fear of jumping and the sensation of falling is replaced by both the adrenaline of experiencing something amazing, the security of knowing you have a parachute and the pride and satisfaction you gain when you land safely and can see just how far you came.

It is scary making changes, not knowing what is around the corner in any aspect of my life. But it would be more scary to stay standing without having any prospect that things would get better.

Risk
by Anaïs Nin

And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to Blossom.

The Week in Review #18

Scariest Transformation of the Week
Subsequent to my significant weight loss (not in a good way), my gradual transformation into Skeletor from He-Man is now almost complete, with the recent addition of eye bags and huge dark circles under my eyes courtesy of anxiety, disrupted sleep patterns (some for bad reasons, some for very very good ones), lack of rest and feeling drained. Not to mention my hair needs curling again in order to combat the 'lady tramp' look I seem to inconceivably be rocking today. OK, it's not that bad, but it's not bitchin' and it really should be.

Biggest Decision of the Week
Deciding once and for all that me and NY Guy are no more. I already knew deep down that this was the decision I needed to make, but it took some work to finally see it as clear-cut and as practically as I have done. Often we can mistake other emotions for love, especially when we have once felt love for that person. It has taken the support of the Mrs, Lolly, Big Sis, Mini Me and most of all my BFTP to help me through this difficult situation and I can't express the sense of relief I feel, knowing I have made the best decision, finally, for me. Don't get me wrong, I know it's far from over. He understandably hasn't taken it very well and there is still the small issue that he will be in London for a week-long work event in just less than 4 weeks' time, but I've made the first step and that's often the hardest.

Favourite Words and Phrases of the Week
1. Circumferenced (adj.) - has several potential meanings, can pretty much be used in any situation, with many different applications.

Example 1: "I was squashed up against the door on the train because the dude standing next to me was circumferenced."
Example 2 (Lolly's suggestion): "Come out with your hands up! We have you circumferenced!"
Example 3: "I can remember any of the events of last night…I was utterly circumferenced." See? Love it.

2. Pantsola, Mofola - an expression, used to express utter contempt or dissatisfaction with a situation.

Example 1: "Pantsola, mofola! I just knocked my coffee over!"
Example 2: "I'm running an hour late to meet you." "That's pantsola, mofola!" Geddit?

Total Hours of Sleep For the Week
Currently averaging about 5 hours a night, I reckon, but probably less. It's helping me to fight the Power of Greyskull (see point 1), but that wasn't really the look I was going for. I'm envisioning a cosy evening in bed for me and Night Nurse tonight. Roll on, 8 o'clock, me and you have a date!

Best Evening Out of the Week
OK, so I only had one, but it still kicked ass. Me and Lolly met at Victoria station, I was 20 minutes early (I know! Early! Me!) and we were nought to hysterical in approximately 20 seconds. It began when I started sneaking up on her in a non-subtle way in Clinton's, continued when I randomly made up the word 'circumferenced' in the middle of a sentence (which made Lisa cry with laughter), got worse when we went to Thresher so she could buy a bottle of wine as a gift and instead of doing so we decided to just announce the various types of wine in Liverpool accents (I'd like a nice Rioja," "No, I prefer Beaujolais"), and peaked when we left Starbucks to find that water was pouring in through the roof of the station, half the station concourses had been taped off as pools of water collected on them, and hundreds of miserable, sopping-wet commuters were taking refuge in the few places that weren't flooded.

We talked about our respective dramas (me more than her; see point 2), she got riled up and defensive on my behalf and then helpfully reminded me of all the crap I'd put up with, which soon sent my guilt packing. Then we went to get naughty food, chatted loads more, cracked up about a few things, I got riled on her behalf this time and then we had a big hug and a giggle before going to our respective homes. A fab evening as always and we both managed to avoid getting drenched in the rain - result.

Most Amazing Development of the Week
My BFTP is fast becoming my BITF (Blast Into The Future). We have had the most amazing week: phone conversations each night, lasting several hours at a time; finding out loads about each other's personalities, values, opinions, pasts and current situations and really enjoying what we found; helping each other face difficult emotions and being completely honest and open with each other about some important subjects; looking back and reliving some really lovely memories from our time together 10 years ago and then glancing forward to see great potential for a special place in each other's futures. We have realised that although we have faced some similar challenges in the intervening decade, the good things that remain are the same good things we remember about each other from when we first met. I should probably not give any more away, since he now reads my blog (er…hello! Haha). But the fact that I am comfortable with him having access to such a personal portal into my little world, and the fact that he enjoys, appreciates and values being a part of that, is incredible to me.

Favourite Snack of the Week
My sad excuse for an appetite is still putting my reputation as a foodie to shame, but my favourite munchies of the week?

1. Weetos, as usual. I am unnaturally addicted. They stopped stocking them at the supermarket I had been going to, so when I went to one near work and unexpectedly found them, I forgot for a moment that I was in a public place and am a grown woman (sort of) and actually gasped with delight while running towards them to grab a box, arms outstretched. Mini Me looked on at me hugging the box in my arms in utter amusement and I suddenly (to my embarrassment) remembered where I was. Yes, I took the shame.

2. Cherries. I love them at the best of times, but I haven't had a single one yet this whole year. I made up for this deficit by buying a big box to munch at work. Half price in M&S - firm, juicy and very sweet. Mmmmm. I know that sounded food porn-ish, but M&S started that whole shebang with their suggestive adverts, so they only have themselves to blame.


This week has been both fantastic, tiring and rather challenging, but I feel like I've reached a tipping point, where this equilibrium of general discontent and unhappiness is slowly being overturned. For the first time in ages, I am genuinely excited about the weeks ahead. Hello, optimism! My, how I've missed your gorgeous self!

I hope that you have had a slightly more restful week than I have (or if not, have at least be losing sleep for enjoyable reasons). May I just say, where on earth is 2009 going? It's nearly mid-August! Before we know it, it will be Christmas. Kidding, kidding! But seriously...

Issues of the Heart pt. 2

I explained in writing to NY Guy exactly how I felt and sent it to him. It's not my practice to break up via email, but when you can rarely get your guy on the phone for more than a few minutes at a time and usually never when he is outside work, it seems the only way to be able to adequately say how you feel, without interruption. I showed my Mrs what I had written as I needed a second opinion. He emailed me back and we had a conversation about things on IM. I relayed the conversation to Claire and she admitted that some of the things he was saying in response to my views were things that she had said herself in her previous relationship with someone with whom her beliefs, or at least desire to practice those beliefs, greatly differed. It really made me think and I couldn't get away from the feeling of guilt that maybe I should have talked with him about this sooner or that maybe I was being unfair. He accused me of being closed-minded and many other things which I'd rather not go into here. Claire told me that I wasn't being completely honest with him, because maybe it wasn't really about the beliefs. It got me thinking.

I had said I would talk to him that evening, and he called when I got home. As expected, the conversation didn't go especially well, and I had to stop him at one point to say, "Are you actually going to let me talk?!" because he kept bombarding me with questions and opinions without giving me a chance to answer them. The conversation ended abruptly but there wasn't really much more to say. I felt sad and drained, but most of all I felt completely relieved. However, when I woke the next morning, I realised I had lots to think about and lots of I should explain to him. The Mrs was right, I hadn't been completely honest. It wasn't all about the beliefs; there were lots of reasons why I no longer wanted to be in the relationship and I owed it to him to tell him that. Several things had built up that either I had left unsaid, had chosen to let slide, or he had just not thought important enough to change, even after I told him. I had compromised on so many little things that it felt like my beliefs were my last stronghold and the one that I really couldn't compromise on. The cumulation of all the little things I was unhappy with had begun the cliched snowball effect, and the realisation that I would also have to settle in another aspect of the relationship caused the final avalanche.

I wrote another email explaining that I expect a certain amount compromise in a relationship, but that because of all the previous disappointments I just didn't love him enough anymore to be able to sacrifice this part of my life too. Once I had got everything off my chest that I felt needed to be said, it was a huge weight off my mind. It might have come later than it should have done, but at least he would finally know exactly how he had played a large part in the breakdown of this relationship, and couldn't conveniently blame it all on religion the way I think he wanted to.

The 'discussion' is on-going, even though from my point of view there is nothing left to really discuss. He still isn't willing to accept what I have said and has told me he is still not ready to let me go. The problem is, he never held on to me tight enough in the first place, to make me want to stay.

Revelations and Being Real

I caught up with my BFTP (Blast From The Past) this past week. With all the things I've had going on, we haven't been in regular contact. It was on my mind that I should email him to explain, because we've been quite open and upfront with each other since we got back in touch. It was playing on my mind for a few weeks and so when I finally had the energy and the ability to explain myself and what was happening with me, I put it in writing and waited anxiously for a response. I wasn't sure exactly what he would say and I felt a little awkward about the fact that we were only just getting to know each other again after ten years and I had so much turbulence going on.

His reply came quite quickly and blew me away. He was completely understanding and happy to give me the time and space I might need, but was equally encouraging that I could share anything with him as and when I needed or wanted to. I knew that he wasn't just saying what he thought he should, or what I might want to hear, but that he genuinely meant it. It was a huge relief knowing that we could still be in contact and get to know each other, even though I have been wrestling with certain decisions and events in my personal life that some most people would see as the equivalent of a huge "stay away!" placard.

When we first started talking, it made me feel a little bit sad, remembering the person I was and how life had been when we were together. I could really remember the feeling of being carefree and excited about what life had to offer, not yet burdened by the emotional baggage that I would later accumulate. In the ten years that passed, life took its toll and I got worn down by my negative experiences, arriving in 2009 wondering where on earth my life had taken me. Knowing that it was not in fact 'life' that had taken me anywhere, but that my unwise choices had, was just the crappy icing on a stale cake.

Although many of these thoughts have made me feel down, I have always remained hopeful, even if it was only a faint glimmer peeking out now and then through the darkness. I don't believe that difficult situations can't be improved or that mistakes can't be rectified and so I felt that if, to move on, I had to write off the past few years and just create a clean slate once my mind frame was more positive, then that is what I would do. I knew there were scars that probably wouldn't ever completely heal and that I would have to live with them and learn to love them eventually, or at least appreciate their purpose. But I never imagined that all the negative experiences could potentially fade to the extent that they became insignificant.

We have only had three phone conversations, albeit a few hours' long each, but in the three days since we have been talking, I feel like a huge weight has been removed from me. I find it hard to fully explain, but after we first spoke, I literally felt like my spirit had been lifted. I felt encouraged, inspired, relieved, happy, excited, emotional and all sorts of other lovely things that I had somewhat forgotten existed. I hadn't realised just how much sadness and negativity and resentment I had been consumed by and I could feel it actually start to dissipate for the first time. I've never experienced it in this way before. When you start a friendship or relationship with someone that you feel an affinity for, often you have that first flush of excitement, the 'butterflies' that flutter in your tummy and make you look at the world with eyes that only see the positive. But once the initial buzz wears away, reality sets in and you are confronted with several things: the practicalities of making a relationship work, the varying dynamics between personalities and with conflicts, compromise and challenges. But this felt like more than just butterflies. It is more profound than that and hopefully longer-lasting; a spiritual connection and shared understanding that comes from when two minds are operating on exactly the same wavelength.

We have had so many of the same experiences in relationships, so many of the same heartaches, so many of the same weaknesses that make us vulnerable to being taken advantage of, that being able to share these things and relate to each other on such a similar level has been an utter revelation to me. I've found it hard in the past to be open about how I feel when in a relationship, not when it comes to positive emotion, but when I feel discontent. I tend to put the other person's feeling before my own, but to the extent that I then ended up feeling unfulfilled and resentful when they didn't do the same for me. I often found it extremely difficult to express when I was upset, or when the person had hurt my feelings, or to admit that I needed more from them. It got to the point where I started to think that I must be asking too much, that I was obviously just too complicated and that I would have to tone down both my tendency to brood over things in my mind and my contemplative nature and just be simple.

I am blown away by the fact that I can be completely who I am with my BFTP and it doesn't even occur to me to be anything else. I don't know yet where this new-found friendship is going to take us, but just knowing there is another person in the world who understands me exactly as I am? That in itself is gold dust.

Issues of the Heart

Things have taken a dramatic turn. Over the past few weeks I have been feeling that I should probably break up with the Boy, a.k.a. NY Guy ("Didn't you already break up with him…several times?!!" I hear you cry. I know, I know…). For a few months now, several small issues have really started to bother me. But one of the main sticking points for me was our differing beliefs. I have felt more and more that it is important to share the same values with your partner. I have come to know that you can technically be part of the same faith or religious group as another person, yet still have very different values. It has always been a sore point for me, knowing deep down that it would probably be best or at least desirable to be with someone with whom I could share common spirituality, but never really meeting someone in that context who I really felt I connected with. I knew from quite early on that NY Guy was not religious and he knew that I was. It didn't ever really seem to be a problem and we were both respectful of the other's view, even though we never actually discussed them in detail. It has been playing on my mind for a while. I knew that things were OK for now, but I know that getting married and having children is a different situation altogether.

A few weeks ago we were talking on IM and the subject of beliefs randomly came up in our conversation. He asked what I actually believed, so I explained my basic core beliefs and asked in return what he believed. "Nothing," he answered. "I believe that Jesus existed and that the basis of his teachings were good, but believing in God, a supreme being? That, I'll never swallow." Hearing his beliefs (or non-belief, lol) in such a clear-cut way really hit me. I knew he wasn't really religious, neither was my ex-boyfriend, but he was at least spiritual to an extent. We had a shared belief in and love for God, and were in relative agreement about many of our values, even though his influences had been a mixture of Islam and Christianity. To me, the values were the important thing. But knowing that NY Guy and I have a difference of opinion on some things that are of utmost important to me, compacted by the fact that essentially, the way we see the world, life and death is completely different, made me seriously question whether us being together long-term could work.

After his admission, he said "I hope that doesn't upset you." "It doesn't upset me as such," I replied, "but I just wonder what the implications of that are for the future." He would reassure me that he respected my beliefs and actually liked the fact that it was a big part of my life and that it made me happy. I do believe him and I've always appreciated that he is respectful of my spirituality. He told me that it wouldn't be a problem, at least not for him. I sort of believed that part, but I feel that not anticipating a problem when one person in a relationship has strong beliefs one way and wants to put them into practice and raise their children with the same set of core values and principles, while the other has equally strong beliefs that don't encompass those practices, is a little naïve.

I respect his views and I would never expect him to participate in my religious practices, or force them upon him, but I can't deny that I would find not sharing such a big part of my life with my partner extremely hard. It might seem like an obvious thing to some people, but I don't think I had fully comprehended just how problematic it could potentially be and how much I could be missing out on. Every relationship necessitates compromise and there are some parts of life that you may need to make sacrifices on. I strongly believe that relationships should be true partnerships, but having wildly different world perceptions would undoubtedly mean that partnership would not be as strong as it could be. It's different with friends and much easier to accommodate each other's differences, but when you could potentially start a family with someone, the things that you can overlook and humour in friends, are things that could become deal-breakers in a long-term relationship.

We all have things that we are willing to adjust and sacrifice and make compromises on in order to make relationships work, but we also each have our set of absolutes that we want to find in a partner and shouldn't have to settle for less than. Our values and morals inform our opinions and decisions. There are lots of little doubts I have had about NY Guy. Aside from his lack of contact for periods of time and seeming unwillingness to make an effort to put me first occasionally in order to prove his affections, most of the things I have been unsure about have stemmed from the fact that some of our values and morals are misaligned. It can be hard to have a real partnership and make joint decisions, when your individual decision-making is influenced by such different schools of thought. There are so many things about his character that I love and admire, but it's not enough. I have been breaking my own rules. In trying to protect and save a partnership with another person, I have slowly endangered and compromised the bond between my own principles and my heart. It breaks my heart knowing the decision I have to make and it will probably break his when I do. But it will break my own heart even more in the long run if I don't stay true to who I am.

Development

For at least the last several months, I have been struggling with the difference between what I know I should do and what I actually do. There is a technical term for this. It is referred to as having 'incongruent values' and not surprisingly, it causes stress. I love these studies and research projects into the blindingly obvious. It's funny that sometimes it takes someone in 'authority' to state something that deep down we already knew, before we accept it as truth.

It might be obvious, but when we have become used to a particular way of experiencing something, or a particular dynamic in certain relationships, or a standard reaction in certain circumstances, it becomes what we expect in every subsequent situation of that kind. While I marvel at the human body's strength, tensility and ability to both withstand and recover after injury, I am beginning to understand and appreciate so much more just how fragile to damage the human psyche can be.

Although nature does of course play a significant part, so much of how we develop as individuals comes down to the environment we were brought up in and the way in which our psychological, intellectual and emotional development was nurtured by our parents or guardians, teachers and other influential people - friends, older siblings or other relatives and our culture and society as a whole.

Children who are raised to believe that they have limits to their abilities will often take that opinion with them throughout their lives. Those who had parents who were very critical and not easily pleased may find that they go through their adolescence and adult life constantly (but not always consciously) seeking approval in their relationships and careers. On the other end of the scale, individuals who are regularly showered with unmerited praise are consequently given a delusional misconception of their own qualities and may grow up to be spoilt and rather selfish. That is not to say that any of these learned behaviours or attitudes cannot be unlearned. None of these situations are an excuse for continued unsavoury behaviour in adult life per se, but they can certainly help give an insight into and explanation for a person's way of thinking. Some childhood experiences will obviously take much more effort and heartache to get over than some others. Some experiences do not necessarily stem from childhood, but occur slightly later in life and may be even more difficult to deal with.

There are some dominant figures in my life that have been both a blessing and a curse in my development. This is something I am gradually coming to terms with and am trying to learn from, not to assign blame to any person in particular, but to identify which characteristics and behaviours are detrimental to me and to ensure that I take responsibility for not allowing these things to shape me in a negative way. As with anyone, there are particular personalities that will bring out the worst in me and which I probably also bring the worst out of. This isn't exactly easy to deal with if someone close or significant to you has such a personality. But being aware of this can help one to manage the relationship in such a way that the negative impact is lessened for both parties.

My most recent experiences with general discontentment in life, regrets over unexploited past opportunities and sadness over realisations about my failings have made me understand how important it is that I am aware of what I need in order to stay healthy mentally and emotionally. It can be difficult when you are a deep thinker. Sometimes it's hard to switch that off and learn to not take things so seriously, or mull over particular situations, or analyse things obsessively, or take things to heart. I am a person who laughs as hard as she cries. I tend to throw myself head-long into passions and give away a lot of myself, which leaves me emotionally depleted if it is not reciprocated. While I wouldn't want to change some of these aspects of my character, I am learning that I need to know when and with whom I can reveal the full extent of this, and that in other situations and with certain people it may be healthier for me to hold back.

I am looking for someone with whom I can be the full extent of me and not be afraid, because they will love, protect, nurture and cherish every part of that, with the entirety of themselves. Am I asking for too much? Perhaps. But I think that when you have realised the value of something, you won't accept anything less for it.