Feeling All the Feelings

I feel unbearably full of emotion right now.  Sadness, anger, loneliness, despair.  I awoke this morning and discovered that the defendant in the Trayvon Martin case had been acquitted.  I felt upset to the point of tears.  I withheld my sorrow because I didn't know how to explain to my mother that I was crying about an injustice towards someone I don't even know, in a country that isn't even my own.  I'm not pretending to understand how his family and friends feel, nor how black people in America feel, or even black people in general.  I can't even imagine it.  But I felt the sting of injustice from across the ocean, the shock at how little the life of a black youth in America is worth and the disgust at how the law can be used to allow someone to get away with murder.

My feelings about the outcome of the case highlighted a sadness and experience that is my own.  I had no-one to talk to about it.  I made brief mention of it to my mum when it appeared on the news and she seemed to agree with my comments, but that was it.  I started to feel incredibly alone, knowing that there was literally no-one that I have these sort of conversations with and could go to after an event like this to say, "Did you hear what happened?  What in the fuck...?" and they would know exactly where I was coming from.  I often feel like a odd bod.  But the instances in which I feel that way seem to be becoming more frequent.  There's an overwhelming sense of loneliness in feeling like you are without someone who understands your point of view, who can relate to your experiences and who doesn't dismiss the things you feel strongly about.  The last time I felt this way, I wrote about it on Tumblr and received an anonymous comment telling me to not "let them grind your gears."  So aside from feeling legitimate anger about subtle racist attitudes, then loneliness from having no-one who understood my anger, my feelings were dismissed in the place that is sometimes my only outlet for such feelings.  I find it incredibly frustrating.

In the past, I have often avoided debate and discussion in anything more than a casual setting.  I prefer to avoid situations that rouse my anger, just for reasons of my health and sanity.  Lately, I can't always avoid such things, or just generally feel too much and find that the emotions overcome me, to the point of it affecting me in a personal way, even if it is an issue that hasn't even affected me personally.  Trying to talk to someone about such things and having them respond apathetically, or with an opposing view, or being dismissive about how I feel (not necessarily in a malicious way, but in an "I don't think it's that big a deal" way) genuinely makes me despair of living.  A Facebook friend made comments supporting George Zimmerman's actions as 'self defence' and I felt a little of my faith in humanity drain away.  One of her friends responded to the train of comments by suggesting that Trayvon Martin should have stayed indoors doing something more "responsible" and then none of this would have happened.  I felt so angry I could have choked.  I can't deal with my emotions sufficiently at the moment.  I have no outlet for releasing them that results in me feeling reassured or validated.  I write things down to try and siphon the thoughts from my mind so that I can feel some peace, but the anger and frustration still bubbles up inside.

In life, you can't underestimate the benefit of someone telling you that your feelings are justified, that it is okay to feel the way you do, that your viewpoint is valid, that you are not alone in how you feel.  I want to meet that person who is my confidant, my best friend, my support, my cheerleader, my lover, my other half, my sounding board.  And in some ways I also hate myself for wanting that so desperately.  I guess I'd feel better meeting that person, so they could say, "I know exactly how you feel.  I've been looking for you, too."  And so, the cycle continues.