Current Thoughts and Realisations

• If you have relationship deal-breakers, you should talk about them as early as possible into the relationship.  It just causes hurt you could have avoided otherwise.
• I believe that there are some things that were 'meant to be', in the context that I believe God has a perfect plan for every individual's life.  However, I believe that our freedom of personal choice can overrule this plan and this can cause a lot of avoidable heartache.  I do think we can get back on track despite our deviations, but it might never be quite what was planned - a plan B, if you will.
• I read an article Stephen Fry wrote recently about loneliness and I agree that it is the worst thing in the world.  Being without a 'romantic' companion (or however else you want to describe a relationship that is more intimate than friendship) can be very lonely, but I believe feeling that you are without a genuine friend who understands you and is truly there for you is worse.
• Some people will drag you into their drama whether you want to be involved or not.
• There will always be people who will never give 100% in a relationship.
• I require regular alone time in order to do nothing without being made to feel guilty about it.
• Perhaps emotional intelligence can be taught, but the person actually has to want to learn.
• eBay will forever be my downfall.
• I am like my mother in ways I'm not always sure are positive, but the only time she ever tells me I am like my father is in a negative way.
• Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of how my mum would react to my death and my uncertainty on whether God would forgive me for suicide.
• I can actually shake off quite a lot of things and not take them to heart; I don't tend to keep grudges for petty reasons and am willing to work towards reconciliation in most circumstances when a person is genuinely apologetic and desiring of it, but if you really hurt me - especially when I have always gone out of my way to give my best for you - you're going to have to work damn hard to get my trust back.
• If you think you should apologise for something, you should do so regardless of whether the other person is ready to engage with you or not.  When/if the other person is willing to accept or even acknowledge the apology is not up to you and cannot be forced.  It once took a couple of years after the time I apologised before I actually got some acknowledgement from the other person, but I never regretted the apology. 
• Arrested Development is one of the few things giving me laughs lately.
• I really am a clown at heart, but only those very close to me or who I feel most comfortable with will ever see that side of me completely uncensored.
• My recent dreams have involved my dad, virtually all of my exes and me dying my hair blonde (with questionable results).
• There are a few precious souls out there who I will always cherish.  But that list is extremely short.
• There are a few men out there who I genuinely and whole-heartedly respect.  That list is also extremely short.
• I will forever think of a certain someone as my 'one who got away' and until I have full closure or find the right person for me (neither of which I am certain I will get), that will haunt me.
• Flies are annoying and stupid.
• I don't currently have the capability to multi-task when at least one of the tasks involves actual concentration or real cognitive engagement.
• If I had the means to just disappear and go AWOL to live another life, I would.
• Recently, I unexpectedly discovered I was someone's first love.  I wasn't entirely sure how to react to that, seeing as he wasn't mine.  When I thought about it, I wasn't completely sure who was.
• I also discovered that someone who knew me when I was a child still has a book of poems that I wrote when I was a child and still occasionally reads them.  That made me smile.
• The older I get, the more the thought of raising children terrifies me.
• I still haven't found a reason for me living, but I'm hoping there is one and that I will find it soon.  The longer I live without one, the less I want to live. 
• People often tell me that they would "never have guessed" I'm suffering from depression.  Of course they wouldn't.  That's part of the fucked-up stigma and symptoms of mental illness.  But my ability to enjoy something/have fun and my inner sadness/state of mind aren't always inextricably linked.
• A career and a calling are two completely different things.