The Past Two Weeks Or So

It has been an odd couple of weeks. They have passed in a contradictory blur of nothingness and unexpected eventuality. Let's go back to the start.

A few weeks ago, NY Guy got in touch with me because he was back in NY for good. He had finished his four-month posting in London earlier than expected (partly, I think, because he tried to finish his work as quickly as possible so that he could get out of here). He wanted to contact me to explain why he hadn't got around to meeting up with me the way he had insisted he wanted to and had promised to do so. He told me that when he went back to NY before the last time he returned to London, he had met someone. I wasn't all that surprised by this revelation. He told me it was simply a physical thing, that they saw each other for a few weeks and that was it. But they were involved during his last visit to London, so he didn't feel right contacting me while being involved with someone else. I suppose that's at least honest and somewhat vaguely virtuous of him. We talked through a lot of things and it transpired that when we had last spoken and agreed we wanted to see each other, I had been open-minded about what would come of it, in the sense that if things had worked in person and he had shown that his feelings were genuine, I might have been willing to give it another chance, at least while he was in London. But he had taken it the complete opposite way and thought I was agreeing to see him out of pity or kindness and he remained reluctant to see me, despite his words expressing the opposite, because he thought that it would break his heart all over again.

He told me that if he had known I felt that way, he would certainly have seen me. He told me that if there was any remote chance of me giving it a try, he would come to London as soon as possible, he could afford to do so and started looking at available tickets and hotels. It was the week before Thanksgiving, so he was looking at the weekend after. Fast forward a week and no contact. What a surprise. I had seen him logged in on IM, so thought he must be at work, so against all my better judgement, I tried to contact him. His secretary responded to my message and told me that he was not at work. There had been a death in his family and he had gone to Florida for the funeral. I thanked her for letting me know and she said she would let him know I had tried to contact him. Another week passed and still nothing. I tried to contact him on IM again and ended up speaking to his secretary once more, who was logged into his computer to check his email messages. She told me that the person who had died was his fourteen year-old cousin, who had been hit by a drunk driver and killed in broad daylight. I felt terrible at such an awful thing happening. I did still think that a simple text from him could have told me this himself, but brushed that feeling away because I knew that it must be a difficult situation, especially since his family are so close. His secretary asked if she could ask me a question. "Are you the girl from London?" We spoke for a while and she said that NY Guy had spoken about me and had told her he was coming to see me, which he seemed really excited about. She knew that something had happened with our relationship because for a while she said he had seemed sad at work. She was very sweet, saying that she hoped things worked out between us and so on, and that as soon as he got back in the office, she would tell him to contact me. I still somewhat resented the fact that some random person who worked for him had to inform me of what was going on.

When he was back at work, we spoke briefly and he explained that obviously, his plans to come over so soon might not be feasible now, just because of the time he had taken off due to the family tragedy. I felt bad for him that such a horrible thing had happened, but over the course of us knowing each other, he has always had very valid reasons for him not being in contact, or not coming over, and so on. But there is a point at which reasons become excuses and people use valid situations to try and excuse their not-so-valid behaviours. That week, he heard that the company he works for, or at least the part of the company that he works in, was being sold. It meant that ongoing employment prospects in his current job were not looking good and that he would need to look at finding another job in the near future. Every time I tried to contact him on IM that week, he was too busy to talk. In a way, I knew this whole song-and-dance was futile. I think I was somewhat going through the motions of the back and forth nature of our relationship that I was used to. It was more about habit than desire. I suddenly realised that I was perhaps bizarrely comforted by the familiarity of the disappointment and frustration the situation had consistently brought me. I had dealt with it so long that it felt like it was all I could expect, or worse, all I deserved. I gradually realised I didn't really care enough anymore and realised there is only so much one person can take from another, before they have to start taking the blame for their own situation. He hasn't changed in the whole time I've known him and the fear of losing me hasn't motivated him to go out on a limb in order to try and keep me. If I stopped making the effort, would he step up and do so in my place? I doubt it. So, I stopped bothering to contact him and was proved right. I realised I wasn't even that bothered that he wasn't keeping in touch. It was no less than I had expected and I remembered all the very good reasons I had for breaking up with him in the first place. The bad relationship experiences I have had have made me believe that I should both expect and accept this sort of pathetic excuse for a relationship. I don't think I even saw it as a relationship anymore. It was more a sort of habitual situation that I had become used to, some sort of weird emotional crutch that I realised I didn't actually need any longer.

So, I just got on with things and realised the absence of contact with him didn't create anywhere near as large a void as I might have thought. In fact, it didn't create much of a void at all. I had already got used to not being in contact with him and since he had never been an actual physical presence in my life, it wasn't much different 'without' him as it was 'with' him. I decided to just try and get through the last couple of weeks at work by counting down to the Christmas break and try and write off 2009 as one to forget. Work was OK, but I couldn't wait for it to be over. I returned to work on the Thursday, after three days off with the bad cold that had lasted two weeks. Because of my time off sick, I had to have a 'return to work interview' with Flame Grilled which is standard procedure, just to ensure that work is not cause for any health problems. Flame Grilled and I met in a tiny meeting room which he amusingly likened to an interview room from The Bill. I ended up telling him that I had been suffering from depression and was taking medication for it, which was part of the reason for the high number of sick days I have taken this year. He responded very sympathetically and assured me that I could talk to him about it if I needed time off, or was having a difficult time. I felt better for having told him and reassured by his reaction. I haven't felt lately like I've needed time off solely because I was feeling low, but it's hard to tell if things are getting significantly better to the extent that I won't feel it necessary some time soon.

Our departmental Christmas lunch was on the Friday, the day after I returned, which meant I only had a sweet three hours of work, before swanning off to the venue for pre-lunch drinks. It has snowed the night before and we hadn't been sure if it would be heavy enough to disrupt public transport, but it didn't. Even so, there was enough snowfall to warrant me eschewing the kind of pretty outfit and heels that all my female colleagues seemed to have plumped for, and instead going with a combination of black jumper, black jeans and big Timberland-style builders' boots. Elegant. Never mind, I was still feeling too rough to bother with making such an effort, and was more concerned with not falling on either my arse or face on the snow and ice that covered the pavement on the way to the train station near my house.

The lunch was nice and we were seated at tables in our teams. My more senior colleagues are actually lots of fun, so it was nice to get a chance to talk to them in a non-work situation. After the three-course lunch (with traditional turkey Christmas dinner for main), we had mince pies with tea and coffee, before preparing for the traditional competitive merriment of the annual Christmas quiz, capably led by the masters of ceremony, Shoulders and Gannet. We were in quiz teams by table and were slightly more competitive than we all pretended to be. After this conversation I had with Shoulders a few weeks back about an alleged admirer I had at work, I had a pretty good idea about who it was, but still didn't know for sure. If it was who I suspected it to be (Samson), it was someone I had always thought seemed to be a nice guy, who was always friendly to me and was someone I definitely thought of as attractive. Just before the quiz started, I went to the toilets and came out to find Shoulders talking in the foyer with him. The conversation seemed to stall slightly when I appeared, so I said a quick hello and carried on past them into the main room.

Forty quiz questions later, Team Vinyl (or 'Dave' as we had inexplicably chosen for our quiz team name) had galloped to victory, winning a clear six points ahead of the nearest competitor. We basked in the glory with our mini gold-coloured plastic trophies and prizes of chocolates, a bottle of champagne and a selection of box-set DVDs (The Inbetweeners, The Bourne Trilogy, The Pirates of the Caribbean Trilogy and another I can't remember). With the food being finished and the quiz completed, management told us we were free to go home or continue the celebrations at the Student Union, or wherever else we would usually head. It was only 4.00pm, so we slowly made our way back to the office to get our things. I walked with Shoulders, Gannet and Samson, somehow getting separated from my team mates and finding myself not for the first time, amongst a group of guys. Sometimes I find I feel more comfortable in their company and don't feel so much like I have to make such an effort to talk, or have to worry so much about what they think, but I'm not sure why. Samson admired my choice of footwear, which made me laugh. We went to the office, retrieved our things, then headed to the Union, hoping they had opened slightly earlier than usual.

Boss Lady came too, which I was pleased about and we decided to just all put some money in the kitty and get as many rounds as we could from that. I volunteered with a colleague to go to the bar for the first round. At the bar, I saw Holmes, who works with Shoulders. Miss T always swears he is pure evil, but I've always thought him to be a nice, quiet, albeit slightly cheeky boy. I said hello and his reply was, "Why are you wearing an Enrique Iglesias hat?" I looked at him blankly for a second, then said "Everything Miss T said about you was true," to which he smiled with mock disbelief. Before long, we were all sat around the small tables, nursing drinks and chit-chatting. I was sat next to Holmes, Shoulders and Gannet.

We had barely sat down when Shoulders asked me, "So, what do you think of Samson?" I feigned ignorance and didn't say much in return, but he kept on, "He's a really nice guy, and he's single."

"Thanks for that," I replied, trying not to laugh.

"Maybe we should have rephrased that," said Holmes, "He's single and looking."

By this time, I was finding it hard not to smile with utter embarrassment, but they kept on. "So, what do you think of him? If you had to give him a number out of ten, what would you give him?"

"I'm not doing that!" I protested.

"I'd say he's a high eight," said Shoulders.

"I'm not giving him a number," I insisted.

"Oh my goodness," said Holmes, "You gave him a zero? Wow, that's harsh. He's going to be heartbroken."

By this time, I was feeling quite awkward and embarrassed, but sort of amused, but also worried that I wasn't doing a very good job of pretending I didn't think he was nice. I just couldn't believe that we were acting like we were back at school, when you'd get your friends to ask someone out for you, or find out if they liked you.

"Just give us a number," said Holmes in his deadpan way. "What would you say on a scale of one to ten, where I'm a nine and Shoulders is an eight...?"

"I'd say something's a bit wrong with your scale," I answered, laughing. "Why are you asking me this?!"

"No, seriously," said Shoulders, "Samson did ask me to sort of find out what you thought of him." I raised an eyebrow. "Yes," he said, noticing my reaction, "We were in the playground when he asked me."

I told them he was a nice guy, but that if anything, I'd rather talk to him about that kind of stuff than the three of them! Shoulders agreed. "He's just a bit shy. So if we left it to him to talk to you, nothing would ever happen."

After a while, they promised to leave me alone and agreed that Samson should come and talk to me himself, which they would encourage him to do. A bit later, I went to the bar to get the next round with Shoulders. He continued singing Samson's praises, saying that he was a top guy and a really good friend and that he would treat me well, etc. etc. which I found quite amusing, but also quite sweet. I wondered if he just wanted a girlfriend and they were trying to set him up with anyone, as it sounded like they had also tried to set him up with the temp who had taken over my old job. "No," said Shoulders, "Seriously, he's liked you since you started working here. I'd say from about day three. He's always liked you, but you weren't single and he was too shy to talk to you. But he's a great guy."

Samson hadn't arrived quite yet because it was his supervisor's last working day before moving to a new position in another department. They are really good friends and get on really well working together and she had been upset about leaving, so I was informed that he had apparently been talking to her and comforting her about that. "See," said Shoulders, knowingly, "That's just the kind of guy he is, very considerate, a good friend..."

Later on, my other colleague and I were buying another round of drinks for everyone and Samson was at the bar with his supervisor and an Australian girl I didn't know. He said hello to me and put his hand on the small of my back and we had a quick chat. We each ordered our drinks and then I returned to the table with them.

I had only just sat down when Shoulders said, "Look, can you do me a favour?" I raised an eyebrow again. "That girl who's at the bar with Samson, she's a bit crazy. Seriously, she wants to marry someone to stay in the country and she's taken a fancy to him, but he's too nice to not talk to her. Can you go and rescue him?"

"He might not want rescuing," I suggested, feeling a little bit like I was on show and having to do a lot of work to talk to someone who allegedly liked me.

"No, seriously, she'll try and talk to him all evening. Can you just go over there and buy him a drink?"

I felt reluctant to get involved in this strange game of match-making in which I seemed to have inexplicably become a pawn, but Shoulders was all serious. "I'm gonna get my eyes scratched out, aren't I?" I sighed, wondering what on earth I was getting myself in for in trying come between some apparently crazed Aussie chick and an apparently lovely guy who was seemingly too shy to talk to me properly. I agreed that I would get him away from the bar, but after that, if he wanted to talk to me, it was up to him. I went up to the bar and told him I was buying him a drink. He'd already had a few, so it probably wasn't the best suggestion, but I had no other reason for going up to the bar just minutes after I had last gone up there. He seemed pleased I had come to talk to him and put his hand on my back again, but I was more concerned with what Aussie chick would make of this. I got him a drink and then tried to get him back to our table, but he said he just needed to give a drink to his supervisor before coming over and went back to their table. A while later, he was still there.

"I did what you asked me," I told Shoulders, "I'm not going over there again."

"I know, you did," said Shoulders, "I'll give you that, you did go and rescue him. I don't know what he's doing, I'm going to have to have words with him about this."

After a while Samson did come over and sit next to me, but by this time everyone was a few drinks along and it probably wasn't the best time for meaningful conversation. He talked to some other friends for a while and Boss Lady suddenly turned into my mother and started grilling Shoulders on whether he was a good enough suitor for me. "Is he a nice boy?" she asked, "Is he a Christian?" which sort of surprised me on one hand and shamed me on the other, since I was out getting as drunk as the rest of them and not being the best example of my own beliefs.

The evening wore on, it had got quite late and eventually the lights got brighter and last orders were called. By this time, Boss Lady had left and I was there with Shoulders, Holmes, Dee (the temp who had replaced me) and Samson, who was partly hanging with us and partly with his housemates and other friends who had apparently turned up some time during the evening. We got up to leave and go back to our office upstairs, as everyone but me and Samson had left their stuff there. Somehow, Shoulders swiped us into the building, which somewhat irked the lone security guard on duty, who objected to such a horde of people (four!) entering outside of hours. He tried to stop us getting in, which I vaguely recall inspired alcohol-induced objection from Shoulders, who started telling him he knew his boss and that he should speak to her, and why was he giving it all the big talk for such a little man? Eek. Great way to get on a guy's side, by insulting his diminutive stature. We obstinately got into the lifts anyway and were feeling all triumphant as we arrived at the floor above, only to find that our swipe cards wouldn't let us into the office at this hour. Great. We would have to go back down and ask the very security guard that Shoulders had just insulted to let us into the office. "We'll go," said Dee, volunteering us and seizing the opportunity to use our womanly charms.

"I don't know what to say," I said in the lift back down, feeling a little bit light-headed and ready for home.

"Leave it to me," said Dee, all youth and confidence. She approached the guard and put on her sweetest voice to explain that we just wanted to collect our bags and apologised for the over-zealousness of our friend.

"I'm on my own at the moment, so I can't let you in," he explained curtly, "So you'll have to wait till my colleague gets back from patrol and then I can come up with you. But your friend's attitude needs to change."

We waited in the foyer together for a little while, then Samson appeared, after apparently leaving his housemates behind. After a little while, Holmes and Shoulders appeared out of the lift, just as the guard returned and said he could open the office, so they all clambered back into the lift. I already had all my stuff and had got too comfortable sat down, so waited downstairs for them with Samson, while they went to get their things. Samson came and sat next to me and we talked for a bit, me leaning on his shoulder as we chatted. Eventually, the others arrived back out of the lift and we left the building for the tube station. The others walked ahead, while me and Samson continued to talk, in the slightly drowsy, garbled way that is the effect of having a few drinks, but with the strange clarity and honesty that is flip-side effect of the same. Somehow, we were holding hands and I was asking why he hadn't come to talk to me properly sooner. I vaguely remember him saying that he wanted to tell me he liked me and that he always wanted to come and say hello to me in the office. At that point, we were approaching the end of the road after which we would make a right turn towards the station. "I've always wanted to come and say hello to you," he said, as we slowed down to a slow halt. "Can I say hello to you now?" he asked, looking at me, and suddenly we had stopped walking and had started kissing. When we stopped, he smiled and put his arm around me and we carried on walking, my arm around his waist and cheek snuggled close to his chest.

By the time we got to the tube station, Shoulders had already got his bus home, so Holmes and Dee were waiting for us, Holmes with eyebrow raised.

"Where have you been?" he asked in his cheekily deadpan way.

"We were talking, around the corner," I said innocently, getting no help from Samson, who seemed blissfully unaware of the situation. We went into the station, Dee getting the tube in the opposite direction to the three of us. We waved goodbye and then followed an awkward tube journey while Holmes teasingly asked me awkward questions on purpose and kept asking Samson which stop he was getting off at. A few stops later, I said goodbye to Holmes and laughed when Samson did too, following me off the train and asking me how I was going to get home from here. We stopped for a while outside the tube station, our conversation interspersed with little kisses, before Samson suggested us going somewhere for another drink. We found another bar, managed to get a cosy booth seat by a window and sat there for a while, nursing a drink each.

We sat and talked through the tipsy haze, him with his arm around me, or holding my hand, me playing with his gorgeous curly hair. We exchanged random personal information and chatted about various things in between kisses and eventually it was time to go home. He asked if he could take me out properly some time soon and I agreed, although it would have to be in the week as I had a busy weekend ahead. I gave him my number and he walked me to my bus stop, hugging me close to keep each other warm in the biting wind. After a while, my bus came, so we kissed goodbye and he waved me off on the bus, before walking off to his bus stop in the opposite direction.

He texted me later, checking I had got home safely and lamenting that he had missed his stop on the way home. Over the weekend we texted back and forth and agreed to go out on Monday evening. The whole thing was a completely unexpected event and I still wasn't completely sure how it had happened. On Monday we went out for drinks and had a really fun evening, talking lots and feeling remarkably comfortable in each other's company. We spent the whole evening together before he saw me safely on to my train home. Tuesday night we ended up going out again, this time for a quick drink, then dinner, before heading to an indie cinema to watch (wait for it) Die Hard. It's a classic and we'd both forgotten how funny it was. After another great evening, he walked me to my bus stop and waited with me in the cold until my bus arrived. Wednesday was the last day of work and management kindly (and surprisingly) told us we could leave at 12.30pm. I had got in quite late, so I stayed till 1.00pm. Samson, Gannet and a few others were going over the road for some lunch and last-day-of-work drinks. I went over to join them after I had finished at work, pleased as punch that the working week was over and the Christmas holidays had begun. We had a really nice time, chatting and laughing about lots of things. Holmes even joined us later on, even though he was already off work, as he had been Christmas shopping nearby.

We stayed a while, the guys commenting that I was a new addition to their little gang, as it was usually only the three of them that went out together from work. They joked that I would have to take part in an initiation to join them and we had a laugh, talking about things at work and laughing at Gannet's phone calls to his Mrs to check he didn't have to leave yet. After a while, we were going to go back to the other work bar, but Gannet had to leave and Holmes decided to give it a miss, probably to avoid being stuck with just me and Samson. They apparently all knew that we had been on a date or two, which I found out later. I sighed with the amusing inevitability of a work romance, however early in its stages it was, not remaining much of a secret. I wondered how pleased Shoulders would be with his match-making skills. When Samson told him we had a date, he had apparently told him to look after me because I am "a doll." I thought that was quite sweet. Samson and I spent another hour or so chatting over a drink, then decided to go and see another film. We weren't going to see each other for nearly a week after that because of Christmas and various family and friend commitments, so decided we might as well make the most of the evening.

Before we went to the cinema, Samson went to the bathroom, so I checked my phone. An emailed had popped up. Thinking it was probably one about all the Christmas bargains that I kept getting from various mailing lists, I checked it and felt a pang of surprise at seeing NY Guy's name pop up. The subject heading was "You at least deserve to know." His message then proceeded to explain why he had not been in touch for a few weeks (even though he hasn't always seen it fit to explain after some of the many other times) and informed me that he had met someone. I am assuming it is the same person who he started seeing a while back, but he explained that after his cousin had been killed, she was there for him and he had decided to give it a shot. I wasn't altogether surprised and to be honest, hadn't expected or even really needed an explanation. But what confused/amused/irritated me most was that he told me he still has all the same feelings for me he always had, which makes starting a new relationship quite difficult. Er....yeah, you think?! He said that he still wished there was a way for us to be together, insisting that "I would literally do anything to make that a reality," but that obviously it didn't seem to be a possibility at the moment. Hmm, how can one person make two such completely conflicting statements in one sentence?? I had to laugh. He always insisted that he would 'literally' (he always used that word) do anything to be with me. Yeah, except actually come to see me, keep in regular contact, make an effort to make me happy and keep our relationship going. When I really want to be with someone, I decide to start a relationship with another person and 'give it a shot' too. He then ended with "Please keep in touch," which made me both infuriated and amused at the same time. What on earth was he thinking, that I'd be his back-up plan, in case the thing with this other girl didn't work out? Exactly how stupid did he think I was? I realised just how much of an idiot he had taken me for and felt genuine sympathy for the girl he had decided to be with. I would hate to be starting a relationship with someone who had sent an email such as that to an ex-girlfriend! How awful! I actually hope it works out for them and that she is a nice girl who he will learn to treat properly, instead of his usual selfish attitude and lack of effort. The message provoked all sorts of emotions in me, but in a way, I felt glad. I was glad he had moved on and that perhaps we could draw a line under things. I would maybe have still been tempted to wonder after him if I hadn't known he was with someone else, so I was actually somewhat grateful for this information. I definitely didn't want to carry any of that baggage with me into 2010 and for the first time, he actually did something that was good for me. It made a change.

Christmas was a quiet one with the family. I slept like the dead after my week of evenings out and late nights. It was nice to just have a rest and be at home, not worrying about housework or work, or anything else that is stressful. Samson and I stayed in touch by text and then saw each other after Christmas. We are really enjoying each other's company and it is a really pleasant change to spend time with someone who is such a gentleman, good fun and just the right amount of confident. I was having a definite low patch and I'm still wavering at times, but at least things are all change for the new year.