In The Middle

I hate being in the middle. I don't much like conflict. I am also fed up of trying to be a pacifier. In the US, they use the term 'pacifier' for the things they give to babies to suck on to keep them quiet. Know what they call those here? Dummies. Interesting.

Yesterday, we went to church earlier than usual. Mum had been asked to lead out in one of the Bible study classes and then the three of us were leading the praise and worship singing in the main service. I had gone to sleep at 8.00pm on Friday night and woken up after eleven hours' sleep at 7.00am the next morning, still feeling quite rough and with a sore throat. Mum was still not feeling 100% after having colds and flu all week and Dad stayed at home because he had got sick after looking after Mum. Luckily, my throat held out and we managed to sing everything OK. When we got home, we ate the leftover toast from breakfast because we were all feeling famished. Big Sis went on Mum's laptop, which isn't unusual. She was watching a sermon online while Mum cooked a hot lunch. I helped Mum for a little bit, then told her about the graduation that was taking place on Sunday for the lay-preaching course we had been attending. I had already decided that I didn't want to go, for various reasons, but now I wasn't feeling well, I knew it was the best idea. Mum mentioned that she might go so that she could take photos of Big Sis, but then when she heard Bro-in-Law was going, she said, "Oh, well that's good, he can take some photos then."

We all talked over lunch, but Big Sis continued to watch the program. We were half-watching, but were talking as well, while we ate our food. After the sermon, there was a musical presentation, but I wasn't really feeling it. I made that clear, being slightly obnoxious on purpose because Big Sis sometimes does the same when I am watching things she doesn't like. The difference is that I watch such things in my own room, on my own television or laptop, not in a shared space that means she is forced to watch it. Mum wasn't feeling the music either and asked Big Sis to turn it off, but she didn't. Dad had just gone upstairs, probably for a rest, so Mum followed not long after. I needed the bathroom, so went to the one upstairs. I didn't particularly want to sit there listening to music I wasn't enjoying.

When I went upstairs, Mum and Dad were resting and so I decided to do the same and had a nap in their room. I had a feeling in the back of my mind that Big Sis would take this personally, seeing as we all left the room within about five minutes of each other. But she knew we didn't want to watch what she was watching and since she insisted on continuing to do so, even after Mum asked her to switch it off, you would have thought she would have been pleased to be left alone to watch what she wanted in peace.

Fast forward to two hours later and Mum and I woke up, feeling hot and dehydrated. Dad had already gone downstairs. We weren't even intending to have a long nap, but obviously both needed it because we were both feeling under the weather. I got dressed and got my stuff ready, then went downstairs. Big Sis was still watching stuff on the laptop. We had a hot drink and then Mum went to the hall over the road to say a quick hello to some old church friends who had hired it that evening for a party for our friend's 50th birthday. When she came back, we watched Harry Hill's TV Burp, which Big Sis watched with us. The X-Factor was on afterwards. Sometime during the program, I could feel something change. I could feel a slight bad vibe coming from Big Sis since I had expressed my dislike of the music program she had been watching earlier, but it suddenly got worse. I was sitting on her right and got the feeling out of the corner of my eye that she might be crying.

After a while, Mum was going to give us a lift home, so we got up to leave. Big Sis mentioned something to Dad about having a family meeting about some shared bills we have to sort out. "Not now," said Dad, as we were obviously about to leave. "I know not now," said Big Sis, visibly irritated, "but if we don't set a time then nothing gets sorted out, does it?" Her tone was disapproving and I knew that my instinct had been right. We prayed before we left and said our goodbyes to Dad, then got in the car.

Not long after we had driven off, Big Sis said to Mum, in an upset tone, "Mum, are you coming to my graduation tomorrow?"

Sensing the tone and what was about to happen, Mum was silent for a moment and then said, "No, I wasn't going to especially."

"But if Em was going, then you would," Big Sis replied, unable to hide the anger in her voice.

"No, not necessarily," Mum replied calmly.

"Yeah, you would," said Big Sis. I waited for it to begin.

That's when she kicked off, saying in tears that she was fed up of being ignored in this family and that it was like she had to compete to be heard and that no-one was interested in her or her life or anything she wanted to say. I asked how she had been ignored and what she wanted to talk about. "Anything," she replied, "anything that I want to talk about." I didn't really have anything to say, not really knowing what the point of arguing with her was, and knowing that most of this was probably directed at Mum. "What's the point of me coming here at the weekend?" she said, "I might as well stay at home with my husband." She made several more outbursts on the way home, and I was willing Mum to say something back to her, but Mum kept silent. We stopped on the way to pick up a newspaper for Dad, which I got out to buy as usual. I wondered if Mum might talk to her while I was in the shop. I stopped to get out cash to buy me a bit more time. As I went to pay, the guy at the till was talking to his female colleague. I see both of them virtually every week, as we usually stop at the same place to get the paper. I handed him my cash and my points card. He looked at me in a way I couldn't quite work out and I was conscious that I wasn't as friendly as I might usually be because of what had been happening in the car.

"Don't you think they should put the full name on these cards?" he said to his colleague, holding up my points card, which had my initial and surname on it. "Then you wouldn't need to say to someone, 'I like your smile miss, what is your name?', and give them a cheesy line, you could just see it on their card."

His female colleague gave him an unimpressed look and looked at me, shaking her head.

"I like your smile, miss," he said to me while handing me my change, "Can I ask you your name?"

"No," I said, sort of laughing and looking at his colleague, who I usually have a chat to when I see, and who was still giving me a sympathetic look.

"See," he said to her as I started to turn to walk away, "it's not a good line!"

I was laughing a little, but dreading getting back into the car. Once I did, things were still silent. They pretty much remained so until we got to the petrol station opposite our road and Mum asked me to put some petrol in the car. I was happy to get out of the atmosphere again and put £20 in, laughing when I over-filled by 1p. We got home and I expected Big Sis to get out of the car as soon as she could, in which case I was going to stay behind and talk to Mum. But she didn't. I wondered if they might want to talk, so I started to get my stuff and thanked Mum for the lift and then got out of the car, but Big Sis started to get out too. I waved goodbye to Mum and we went indoors. Bro-in-Law wasn't home and Big Sis asked me about the shared bills we were sorting out and why I hadn't paid what I had said I was going to. I explained that I had tried on more than one occasion this week to do so online like I usually do, but it wasn't letting the payment go through.

"Have you still got enough?" she asked, still with the accusatory tone that she had kept with all evening. I explained that I might not be able to pay quite as much as I had hoped, but definitely most of it. "Have you been helping Mum out with something I don't know about, or something?" she quizzed, "Because I know how I always get left out."

I was stuck between just wanting to either laugh in her face, shout at her in frustration, or tell her to grow up. "No," I answered, "I don't know what you're trying to say, but I don't know anything more than you do." I could hear her starting to say something back, but I dropped the things I had bought in the kitchen and then took my things upstairs.

I am so fed up of these random outbursts she has once a year or every two years, suggesting that everyone is against her or that our parents favouritise me over her. I was especially irritated by the fact that she was suggesting we don't want to talk to her or that we ignore her, when the fact of the matter is, she made no effort to start conversation with any of us, or even join in the existing conversation because she was so determined to watch whatever she wanted to watch on the laptop. Our parents don't take an extra interest in what I do, any more than they do in what she does. The difference is that I go to see them every week and when I do, I talk to them and offer up information about what is going on with me. They don't always ask me about my life. But that's how they are. I don't take that to mean that they don't want to know or don't care. But Big Sis seems to want everyone to chase after her and tease any information out of her, despite the fact that she seems more interested in checking what people are doing on Facebook than talking to the parents whose house she is visiting.

The fact is, I have gone to their house to stay on Friday evening every week for the past three years. Big Sis came some of the time, but obviously leading up to her getting married and after she got married, she didn't bother as much. Sometimes, I didn't always feel like it. But I knew that they liked having us round to visit or to stay. That was my choice. When Big Sis didn't go to see them, that was her choice. Why is it my fault that they know more about what I am up to because I choose to spend more time with them, or make the effort to keep them informed when I do spend time with them? I am really bored of being made to feel bad, just because I act a certain way and Big Sis chooses to act a different way. I can't count the number of times I have tried to act as a go-between in my family, trying to smooth things out between my Mum and my sister.

I was feeling really uncomfortable, knowing that I would now have to live with this horrible atmosphere while Mum returned home and wondering what other things Big Sis would find to have a go at me about. I texted The Mrs and asked if she had time for a chat. She isn't feeling too well either, so we were talking about that and then I told her about my situation. She felt bad that she couldn't offer more advice or say much in return, as she wasn't feeling well, but I think I just needed to get it off my chest. We spoke for quite a while and I was grateful that she just listened and allowed me to let off steam. After we spoke I called my Mum. I asked if she was going to the graduation and suggested that maybe she should, because it would probably help things. She said that Big Sis hadn't even talked to her about it or even asked her to go and she didn't think that her outburst in the car really counted as an invitation. As it was, she still wasn't feeling well. She said that if Big Sis had asked her to go properly, then by all means she would have gone without a second thought. But as it was, she hadn't even been told that guests could come. I hadn't mentioned it to her myself because I had decided not to go and to be honest I wasn't that bothered about it. I wouldn't have bothered asking her even if I was going. I asked if she had said anything to Big Sis in the car, but she said that she had just stayed quiet, not wanting to get into the argument and feeling stressed enough with other things going on as it is. She said that since Friday evening, Big Sis had just been on the laptop the whole time and not bothered to make any conversation with her or Dad, so how on earth could she then accuse them of not wanting to talk to her, when she wasn't being sociable in the first place? I could see Mum's point of view and I didn't want to persuade her to go to the graduation if she wasn't feeling well. She said that she was pleased when she heard Bro-in-Law was going and thought maybe she should leave them to it, as Big Sis is married now and maybe Mum should let her husband support her and shouldn't get involved. "But I think she wants you to be involved, Mum," I suggested, "but she just didn't ask you." "Well exactly," Mum replied, "she didn't ask." She said that she might go but she was still feeling unwell and would have to see how she felt in the morning. She told me to just be patient with my sister. Hmm. I'm trying.

I eventually went to sleep after about 1.30am, probably because of my almost 3-hour nap that afternoon. I woke up a few times and found it hard to get back to sleep properly, but drifted in and out of sleep until my alarm when off at about 9.30. Suddenly I heard a car outside and I sneaked a peak out of the window to see that Mum had arrived. I was really pleased. I was hoping she wasn't feeling too unwell, but I think it was a good thing to do. I stayed in bed till I heard them all leave, then got up, feeling excited to have an empty house as a rare treat. I hope that Big Sis might appreciate Mum's gesture, but I worry that she will see it as vindication of sorts, or proof that the accusations she made are true. I am enjoying the peace and quiet of having the house to myself while I can. I'm not really looking forward to them returning home. No matter what I do, there will be something that I've done that is not right.