Making Things Better

I feel kind of numb and blank at the moment. Not quite emotionless, just unable to identify exactly what I am feeling. I'm lacking inspiration, devoid of enthusiasm and lethargic physically, mentally, emotionally, creatively and spiritually. I think 2009 is another year I'd quite like to forget about.

I spoke to The Mrs last night. We were talking about insecurities and self esteem. “When are things going to get better?” I asked. “Things will get better babe,” she replied, “when we make them better. Things are tough, but don't go backwards babe. Go forwards.” Sound advice. I think the desire to do so is there for sure. But the ability? Frozen by fear, confused by lack of confidence, paralysed by past and present pain. I've stagnated and I need to get the current moving again, get some fresh ideas, renewed energy and new life in there to sweep away all the negativity and toxicity that has built up while things have become stagnant.

A new year is approaching and I love the blank canvas that it brings with it. The new year makes way for my favourite season, spring, the season of new beginnings, new life, rebirth, growth and beauty where things were previously bare. It feels almost as though my canvas of 2009 has remained blank, but not in the sense that it is unsullied, more that it just got completely covered over with grey.

I was talking with another friend recently who seems to always have difficult situations come within a couple of months of each other. He seems to just get on with things. Lolly was commenting recently on how within our circle of friends (The Sisterhood and co.), we all seem to have had quite an unpleasant year or so. I went for dinner with Bigger Sis a week ago on Monday and told her about how I have been feeling and that I have been taking medication for it, which I started not long before we went to Cornwall for her birthday in the summer. She had said that Big Bro was concerned about me because I had lost so much weight since he last saw me. When I told her that I had just started taking my medication a couple of weeks before that, she said "That makes sense. When you weren't animated or doing something, you looked unhappy." I knew that I probably wasn't really able to hide how I was feeling, since that was when I was at my worst, but it's not nice to know that it was so evident. I don't want to continue having 'unhappy' as my default setting. It never was before. When I was first experiencing my low patch, before I realised how bad things were and that I was actually depressed, I think I had just gone through a period of no contact with NY Guy. He had cut me off and I didn't know what had happened, but just had to assume that he didn't want to be with me anymore. Boss Lady had known I wasn't very happy, but all she knew was that work was quite stressful. I remember that he got back in touch and we worked things out and then I had a one-to-one meeting with Boss Lady and she commented that I had "got my glow back."

It's funny how you can think that you are doing a good job of frontin', but in fact those who know you, know immediately when you are not quite yourself. I don't like the thought that the people I have met or got to know in the past couple of years have seen the depressed me, the me that is unhappy, the me that is unenthusiastic and insecure and unable to be vibrant and positive about life, the way I'd like to be. I've always had a sarcastic edge, but that's my sense of humour. I can be quite dry about things, but deep down I'm an optimist. I don't like that the positive side of me has been almost inert for so long. I did used to understand the concept of depression, but I didn't fully understand its actual effects until I had experienced it myself the past year or two. I do believe that happiness is predominantly a choice. I mean, we can't always control what happens to us in life, but we can control how we react to each situation and how we allow it to make or break us. But I know now that when your mind state requires the assistance of medication to get back on track, it's not as easy as just thinking positively. I do feel positively for the most part, but that has always been the bizarre thing. Even when I'm being sarcastic and dramatic and negative about things, I usually take a philosophical approach to situations and try to find the funny, even when things are awful. But lately, I've found the melancholy in my mood to be the overwhelming force and my sense of positivity has struggled to keep afloat.

It's bizarre, finding it burdensome and draining to just function socially on a normal basis. I'm constantly aware that other people have so many more pertinent problems than I do, but feeling guilty or unjustified for feeling low just adds to the low feeling. At least when you have a specific situation that you are feeling sad about, you have an explanation for it. When you are inexplicably feeling melancholic and you don't necessarily want to tell the world that you are depressed, you don't feel like you have good enough reason to explain your mood to other people. I can't remember the number of times I have felt completely and utterly physically and mentally drained after being in a social situation when I was feeling low and where the other people didn't know about it. It completely saps me of energy just carrying on a conversation and engaging with the other person, or simply concentrating on what is being said and being able to adequately respond. It's also difficult wanting to just tell people the reason why, just because it is easier than keeping up the façade, but being reluctant to, because you can never gauge what someone's reaction is going to be. It's fine for me to share it with people who know me well, or people who I know have more of an understanding or open-mindedness about mental and emotional well-being. But it's worse opening up to someone and seeing them mentally recoil at or be puzzled by the notion of depression. Being told to pull yourself together by someone who lacks understanding often feels more detrimental than just trying to act normally and tiring yourself out in the process.

I know that this is a stage in my life that I am going through, that I will overcome and learn from. But dealing with it in the meantime can be quite difficult. I have definite peaks and troughs, but at the moment, the peaks aren't frequent enough to balance out the troughs. I know that 2010 needs to be a year of change for me, a year of new experiences, of taking new opportunities and of affirmative action. The Mrs was absolutely right. Things don't get better unless you make them better. So I am going to try to keep on keeping on and hope for good things coming just around the corner.