A Non-Day

It's been a bit of a non-day, to be honest. After Mum, Big Sis and Bro-in-Law left for the graduation, I got up, cleaned my teeth and washed my face. I brushed the very sore gum surrounding my last obstinate wisdom tooth with salt, then rinsed my mouth and gargled with salt water for my sore throat, before I returned to bed for a bit to see what was on TV and to start a blog post. After a bit, I went downstairs to get some breakfast, but took some dirty clothes with me to put in the machine to wash. I wanted to have a soak in the bath at some point, so put the heating on and then I washed up the saucepan and the few bowls, mugs, cups and cutlery that were in the sink, while my bread turned to toast in the toaster and the kettle boiled. I made tea, buttered my toast and spread some marmalade on it, then took it upstairs so I could eat it while watching TV. I did some writing, checked some emails, paid a couple of bills, listened to some music which I could do without worrying about disturbing anyone for a change, then decided I was ready for a bath.

It was already lunchtime, but I wasn't living by a to-do list today for a change and was more concerned with making sure I got enough rest so that I felt well enough for work tomorrow. I ran the bath with some bath oil and foam, then got in for a soak. The water was hot but just enough for me to comfortably have a soak in. I could feel it was getting steamy in there but I didn't feel much like rushing. I used some hot oil treatment on my hair, then shampooed and rinsed. I heard my phone start ringing from my bedroom. It was probably The Mrs. It was unlikely to be anyone else. I slathered conditioner on my freshly-rinsed hair, before getting ready to give my skin a good scrub. It was around this time that I started feeling light-headed. At first I thought it was just a bit too hot in there, so I opened the bathroom door a little (another perk of being home alone). But I started to feel sick and weak and had the horrible feeling that starts to come before you faint (a feeling I am all too familiar with). I ran some cold water into a glass and drank it, remembering the last time that I fainted and drinking cold water took away the nauseous feeling. The coolness of the water felt good, but it didn't rid me of the feeling completely and I still felt really faint. I was scared I would pass out in the bath and I was all alone. I got out of the bath, still dripping wet, and tried to crouch on the bathroom floor to steady myself and get some air. I felt sick and uncomfortable and knew I had to get out of there. I was still covered in soap and still had the conditioner in my hair, so I pulled the plug to get the water drain away, then got back in the bath to rinse with some luke-warm water. I tried to get rid of all the soap as quickly as possible, trying to fight the weak feeling and just wanting to get out of the bath.

Once I was sufficiently soap-free, I carefully got out of the bath, wrapped my towel around me and then rinsed the tub. I went to my room and lay back on my bed, keeping my towel on me so that the bedcovers didn't get wet. I was feeling weak and weird. I checked my phone. It was The Mrs. I called her back and offered a weak "hello."

"Are you OK??" she asked.
"I nearly just fainted in the bath," I explained.
"Have you eaten?"
"Yes."
"Are you taking your iron tablets?"
"No."
"You're anaemic, you need to take them! I'm very worried about you!"
"When I last went to my doctor, she said I didn't need to take them anymore."
"Are you on your own?"
"Yes."
"I'm going to call your Mum and tell her to come round to be with you."
"Don't do that! She wouldn't. And anyway, she's gone to the graduation."
I laughed inwardly at the thought that my Mum would come all the way to our house just because I felt faint. She's a nurse, it takes something much more serious than that to get her sympathy.
"You need to take your iron tablets. And go back to your GP, I don't think you should be feeling so tired and sick all the time."

Maybe it was true, but I didn't want to fuss. I felt a bit rubbish that I was alone and that I don't have someone who would drop everything to come and look after me. I don't even need looking after, but it's nice to have the option, you know? We chatted for a while about some other stuff and how she and her Mr had spent ages decorating her mum's new fibre-optic Christmas tree, only to discover afterwards that her mum decided she didn't like the fibre-optic tree after all. I laughed, imagining a pretty good idea of how her mum would have reacted. I remembered that I was going to put up my own Christmas lights today. After a bit, I said I needed to go and get dressed, as my wet hair was making me feel cold. I was insanely jealous about the Sunday roast that The Mrs and her Mr were going to eat at her mum's. I remember the days of banging Sunday roasts at The Ex's parents' house and how much I always looked forward to them. I remember having a yummy roast at The Mrs' mum's house myself one time. Hmm, perhaps I hadn't eaten enough today. We said our goodbyes and I took my orders.
"Don't faint any more, OK?"
"OK."

It took me a little while to feel OK again, but when I did, I went to get some cereal, some tea, some juice and some snacks to nibble on so that I didn't have to go back downstairs for a while. I replaced the clean clothes in the machine with a new load that needed washing. I retreated upstairs and got dressed, while watching some Miami Ink and surfing the net. I wasn't much looking forward to the others returning home, mainly because all morning the situation had been bothering me. Quite often, I won't have an immediately strong reaction to certain situations, but the upset kicks in a while later, after it has sunk in and I have mulled over it. I was still feeling hurt, defensive and angry about things and didn't really want to see Big Sis, as I knew with how I was feeling I wouldn't be able to act normally. Mid-afternoon, I heard the car in the drive. A bit later, Mum came upstairs and knocked on my door. She presented me with quite a fancy-looking certificate, but after everything that had happened with my verbal assignment, I really couldn't care less, to be honest. She told me quietly that she had called Big Sis this morning to tell her she was coming and that she would pick them up. I didn't ask much more. She was feeling tired and wanted to go home, which was understandable, as she still wasn't 100% well. She asked what I had been doing. "Not much," I replied honestly. I tested my earlier theory and told her "I nearly fainted in the bath." "You haven't eaten anything, have you?" she said. "I have," I told her, "I just felt hot and weak." She didn't say much more. Told you, Mrs, no sympathy from nursing staff. She gave me a kiss goodbye, then went downstairs.

I stayed in my room, watching more Miami Ink and sorting out a few things. I remembered that I was going to put up my Christmas lights, so I got them down from the Christmas box I have above my wardrobe. For one set, I will need to tap some small nails in the wall to hook them onto, but didn't want to go downstairs to get the hammer, so will do those later. The other set, I draped around my window, then set on a slow fade, so that alternate bulbs fade in and out very slowly. I'm feeling a little bit more cheery and Christmassy, but still feel a bit weak and tired.

Late afternoon, The Mrs texted asking what I was up to for NYE and saying I was welcome to join her and her Boy at his mum's house as they were dog-sitting while his mum and step-dad went out. I found the offer very sweet and didn't say no, but wonder if being the add-on with a couple at this time of year will just make me more aware of my own loneliness. I had been looking forward to the holidays, but at the moment, I just want to be alone. We have an early seasonal lunch at Bigger Sis' place this Sunday, which will be lovely if this horrible atmosphere has dissipated. The following weekend we have meeting with our small group and are going to have a Christmas sleepover at Mum and Dad's place. I am actually quite excited. My adopted children, Big C, Little C and The Destroyer are all going to be there with their parents and they are quite excited. They give me non-stop entertainment and it's actually quite nice having children around at this time of year. It stops me feeling so cynical.

I am still annoyed because Big Sis will probably have moved on from her little outburst, but I can't shake the feeling of upset off. I hate being dragged into emotional conflicts unwarranted and then being left there because I get more affected by it, when everyone else has moved on and forgotten about it. Right now, I could do with a cuddle and some comfort KFC.