Peaks and Troughs

I've fallen into a slump again. 6 months ago, after months of feeling emotionally turbulent and unsettled, I woke up one morning and burst into tears. I had the clichéd 'epiphany,' called my best friend and said "I think I'm depressed." I knew I wasn't just having a bad day, or reacting in a normal way to a stressful or traumatic event. It had been ongoing, with lots of contributing factors, but no specific 'cause' for months. I never felt settled or content, or happy, really. I started feeling worse because I thought that any problems I had weren't significant enough to be that upset about. Why couldn't I just get on with things? Why couldn't I just be positive and look on the sunny side of life, the way people tell you to? Why did I think so deeply about everything and take things to heart, rather than be able to shrug off the little things? Why couldn't I just be happy, when I have lots to be grateful for? I couldn't answer any of the questions. All I knew was I just couldn't do what I knew I needed to, or feel the way I wanted to feel.

I had a tearful chat with my girl. She helped me to calm down and get a little perspective, reassured me and gave me some helpful advice. I ended up going to see my doctor. I thought my unsettled and rather stressful work situation was the main problem. My doctor suggested counselling. I had a few sessions and found it quite helpful. Funnily enough, the stresses at work hardly came up in conversation, but loads of relationship and emotional issues did. I can't even remember for sure how much of it came out in the actual counselling sessions, but most of it carried on inside my head in between sessions, as I gradually came to realisation after realisation about some of the situations I have chosen to be and stay in. I learned quite a lot about myself and felt like I'd made some progress. At the end of the year, my counsellor told me he wouldn't be offering any counselling sessions after January, as he was taking on additional responsibilities elsewhere. I only had a couple of sessions of my allocated 6 left. When January came, everything went wrong with the Boy and I couldn't face going back.

Reflecting on 2009 up till now, it has only just occurred to me that I still have so far to go. I thought I had overcome a few of my personal demons, but I don't think anything was completely resolved. I'm back where I was 6 months ago, feeling extremely low and only just coping, but second time around it's at least slightly less of a shock. I've fought the urge to stay away from work, as I know that being alone at home with too much time to think probably won't help. But the feeling of instability, of being close to tears and never knowing what might set it off, isn't a nice one to have in a professional environment. When me and the Boy were arguing and ended up breaking up, he told me that I kept being in funny moods and he never knew what he was going to get from day to day. I understand it now. The problem is, I don't know what I'm going to get either, it's not as if I choose my mood in the morning, the way I choose my outfit. "I know, today I shall be withdrawn and easily irritated. Ooh, and I'll wear my grey dress to go with that." It doesn't work that way. I wish I could just 'be' a certain way, but if I could do that, I wouldn't have this problem. Being told he found it 'exhausting' certainly didn't help. I don't doubt it was, but the last thing you want to hear from someone you love and who allegedly loves you is that you are a burden on them, that you are wearing them down. I don't want to be that to anyone and perhaps that realisation was a catalyst for the break-up.

I'm blessed with some supportive friends that have been really good to me and have always been at the end of the phone, or have emailed me while at work to help keep me sane. My friendships have suffered because at times I've found when I'm feeling particularly stressed or down, I'm unable to be particularly supportive back. I hadn't realised that all I had done was held things at bay for a little while, so that the immediate problems subsided. But they have resurfaced all over again. My recent friendship with my Blast From The Past (herein referred to as BFTP) has been a tonic of sorts, but after discovering his own recent difficult experience of his sister's depression, I am conscious that I don't want to add any other emotional stress to his already hectic existence. It's an awkward feeling, wanting to reach out and open up, but feeling scared and reluctant to be considered 'exhausting' by those you open up to.

I met a friend at church at the weekend that I hadn't seen in a good while. We don't know each other particularly well, but he's a lovely guy and very genuine. On New Year's Eve, I received a voice mail from him in which he prayed for me over the phone, that God would keep me safe and guide and bless me throughout 2009. It was a really lovely thing to receive at a difficult time. He came to talk to me, we hugged and exchanged the usual pleasantries. He asked how I was and I said "I'm OK." His reply was "Are you sure?" I assured him I was. He hesitated, before saying somewhat reluctantly, "You…you seem to have lost some weight…?" It's funny, because we have a family joke about people rudely pointing out weight increases and decreases almost as a greeting (all sadly based on personal experience). But the way he said it was really sweet; he seemed rather concerned. I explained that I think I have unintentionally lost a bit of weight recently and haven't been looking after myself. He still seemed concerned. "Oh right. But you're OK, though?" I assured him I was and his concern was appeased. To be honest, it was nice just being asked how I was, by someone who actually wanted to know the answer.

My birthday is coming up and sadly I don't feel much like celebrating. Aside from feeling a little devoid of happiness and rather numb, I just don't have any spare cash to do anything fancy. I've booked the day off work, which is always a good start. I have a 4-day weekend to look forward to, at least. I've decided to postpone celebrations until later in the year, when I'm in a better frame of mind and a better frame of pocket. If I'm not feeling more capable of life in a week's time, then I'm going back to my doctor. I'm tired of feeling emotionally unstable and mostly I'm just tired. For all you praying folk out there, if you speak to God this week, please ask Him to keep an eye on me.