Love Is A Verb

I've never thought of myself as someone who had barriers built up around her. I've experienced my share of heartache, but it hasn't stopped me from being open enough to get to know someone new, or to love them without holding back. However, although I will allow myself to fall in love, recently it occurred to me that perhaps I am slowly preventing letting someone love me back completely. It's not a conscious decision. It's not even something I would actively want. So what am I doing and why? My relationship experiences over the past few years have greatly affected me. I think for a long time I was extremely naïve and didn't really have any protective reflexes to speak of. But any 'guard' I did have, I let down so far that it bordered on doormat status. It took me years to wise up and realise that I deserved better, even though that wising up only came when the person I thought I deserved better than ended it with me.

The next person I met that made a huge emotional impact on me was so different to the last, much more content, more independent and secure, who seemingly felt the same about me to a degree. The warning signs that I completely ignored and perhaps couldn't even identify last time were not there and I went head-long into it, never one to hold back much in matters of the heart. Without wanting to sound horrendously cheesy, we had a one of those connections that doesn't happen that often in life. It was such a relief to feel that the person just 'got' me. It was wonderful that we were on the same wavelength, that our senses of humour were so close together, that we had a similar outlook on lots of things. But very gradually, little by little, it seemed that a familiar pattern was repeating.

In general, women require different things than men do to feel loved and needed and valued in a relationship. Further to that, individual women have different preferences for how these needs are met. Some people may be content with just being told they are loved and valued. I, for all my faults, need to hear it and see it, with action. That means little acts of thoughtfulness, that aren't done out of duty or for reward, but simply out of love. This might sound completely obvious, but it's something that I've found seems completely incomprehensible or just plain unreasonable to some guys. "But I tell you I love you everyday." "But what to you mean I don't do stuff for you? I pick you up and drop you home all the time." (No, I'm not making this up.) "I'm sorry I didn't call you at the weekend. I was busy." I might have high expectations of the person I'm with, but the main reason is because I put them first and therefore think I should be able to expect a reasonable level of consideration in return. I'm worth that. The problem is that years of being told otherwise (through actions - or should I say inaction - rather than verbally) has made me start to question if I am worth it.

If someone tells you that they love you more than anything, that you are the most amazing person they have met, that you are very important to them and that they want to spend their life with you, then I think they should be able to back that up by doing more than just saying it. If someone can say all of these things to me, but can't find time to put me first occasionally, to make quality time for me, to make an effort to do something special for me on important occasions (I am talking a card at the very least at this point, I'm not unreasonable), then to me, all the things they've said are sort of meaningless. I might be wrong in my thinking, but when I love someone, I don't just tell them. I show them. I do things for them. I try to be considerate and think of ways to make their life easier. It's important to me to be a great girlfriend. I am a great girlfriend. Lol! I take pride in that and want a guy who feels the same, who takes pride in his boyfriend skills and deems it important to make me happy, the same way I want to make him happy. All of this may sound like I am asking for a lot, or that I am demanding or unreasonable, but like I said, I'm not asking for any old Joe to do all this for me. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask such things of a person who has already pledged to do whatever it takes to be with me. If you can make grand statements like that, but can't get it together to buy me a gift for my birthday (or at very least remember it), then you should just refrain from making the statements in the first place. Am I wrong?

I don't give to get, but when you make continual effort and consistently don't receive the same level of effort in return, it wears you down. I don't want to start being a selfish person, or one who isn't very thoughtful, or one who looks out for herself first and leaves others as an afterthought. Mainly because that's not really me. It goes against who I am, or the person I want to be. It's a shame that often in life, our better qualities end up being stamped out of us as a result of bad experiences. I don't want to be less giving just because the people that I previously gave to didn't appreciate what I had to give. But I've found that although I've not completely built up barriers that stop me from loving another person, I've started building ones that want to prevent anyone from loving me. I don't want another person to fall for me and tell me all the things they want to do for me, but not do them. I don't want another person to tell me how much they love me but never get around to showing me. I have realised that I am scared of anyone else falling in love with me, but failing me in love. I would love to have a relationship eventually, but right now, the idea of being led to believe the talk, but being disappointed all over again with the action, is just too painful.