I’m back at work today and grumpy as hell. I still have the constant mild headache I’ve had since Monday. Even more annoying is the painful ache in the muscles on the back of my neck, which I can only assume came from my neck absorbing the impact my face took when it made contact with the floor.
I was meant to be going to see my friend Dukus dj-ing at I ♥ East London with The Dirty Toyz tonight, but I don’t think I feel well enough. I’m finding it hard enough being at work, which is relatively quiet. I don’t think I’ll be able to cope with crowds of people and thumping music, not to mention the fact I don’t actually have any money to spend. I’m pissed because I was really looking forward to it. Maybe I’ll change my mind later. Not sure though, but we’ll see. I don't think I would make a very good patient. Goodness knows how these wonderful people who inspire millions by running marathons while having cancer stay positive. I'm a grumpasaurus when I'm just a little bit peckish.
The good thing to this equation is that in anticipation of having a late night dancing tonight, I had booked tomorrow off work. Which means whatever I decide to do this evening, I don’t have to be here tomorrow and can stay in bed for as long as I like, watch TV, do some cross-stitch and chill out. Sadly though, because I am probably staying at Samson’s tonight and because it’s a Friday tomorrow, this means I will a.) be carrying my life on my back like the nomad girl I am lately (which is probably not helping my sore neck right now) and b.) carrying said life all the way from Samson’s (East London) to the rents’ (South-West London), probably stopping off at home (South-East London) on the way. MISSION. I’m tempted to give it a miss this weekend, but we’ll see. I didn’t tell the rents about Monday’s drama, mainly because I couldn’t be bothered to explain it for about the 4th time in the same day, but also because it’s not like they could do anything and it’s not like it was anything serious. I thought that when I told them about it on Friday (if I do decide to go and see them), it would be a good time to tell them about Samson, seeing as he was there when it happened, he looked after me, got help, came with me to the hospital, then got me home safely and took care of me when we got there. If that’s not a good introduction to your daughter’s new boyfriend, then I don’t know what is.
You’re probably puzzled by the fact that I haven’t actually told them about him already. Well, it’s one of those things. I’ve realised that although I am quite open with my parents about some things, relationships are pretty much a closed book for me. They’ve never given the impression that it was OK to be open about that sort of thing, mainly because that sort of thing wasn’t OK when I was younger, so being open about it would only lead to trouble. It was always drummed into me to get my education first and after that may the idea of a boyfriend be considered. The problem for me was, without any real explanation, reason or discussion of why this should be the most sensible option, I ignored it. But the fact that their disapproval of such things was clear made me feel even more determined that I must hide it. What makes me sad is that perhaps I wouldn’t have stayed in such a stifling relationship for so long if I had been able to talk to my Mum about it, or ask for advice. Part of the attraction of that situation was that The Ex’s family were so much more open and relaxed about things than my family and I often felt more comfortable there than at home.
The thing is, keeping the fact that I was in a long-term relationship hidden from my parents continued long after I had finished my university degree. It felt silly and awkward telling them about it then, when we had already been together 3 years or more. I suppose the main issue wasn’t telling them “I have a boyfriend,” it was more that “I have a boyfriend and am sleeping with him,” which is of course a huge no-no when you have been brought up with the message that the sexual relationship should be reserved only for marriage. It was easier just to lie about it rather than deal with arguments, disapproval or active opposition.
As I got older, I started to feel less scared about the notion of sharing my relationship status with my parents (partly because I was no longer with The Ex). But my attempts at doing so, and I note only after Mum specifically asked me, proved futile because of her dismissal and distrust of the notion of a long-distance virtual relationship. I’ve always felt that unless marriage was imminent (i.e. the person was going to propose, or it had been discussed between us that it was heading in that direction), that they aren’t really that bothered. Despite my Mum’s enquiries, when I have actually told her anything, she hasn’t seemed that interested, or has been dismissive. It’s a frustrating situation. I’d like them to know about Samson and I’d like them to get to know him.
My life is wrapped up in a complicated network of lies, or at least selective information. I remember my friend KM having on her MySpace page: "I live one life and it's integrated," with links to her blog and Facebook page, etc. I remember being struck by this and always found it brave and bold, the prospect of just being yourself, the same you, to everyone you know. But my life has always been segregated and compartmentalised. Family life, social life, church life, love life. All of them somewhat separate and only overlapping in certain contexts or situations, or for some parts not at all. Only very few people know about my blog. Slightly more know about the Facebook account I had only recently relented to opening. There are different parts to me and not all that many people know all of them. I don't necessarily hide aspects of myself intentionally, or intend to deceive. I think I have simply become slightly more private as I have got older and tend to only be completely myself when I really trust someone. I've also become more sensitive to criticism and judgement, which adds to my reluctance to be completely open in all aspects of my personality.
But I'm starting to get better at learning to be me and embrace the essence of who I am. I know that struggling to live up to other people's expectations and perceptions of me has had a negative effect on my state of mind and is probably a contributing factor to my depression. I need to work towards living life, then living one life that's integrated.
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