Fight

I still have a sore neck and a near-constant headache (of varying degrees) since my fainting incident this time last week. Happily timed to coincide with my pre-menstrual week during which I am more susceptible to migraines, combined with disruption to my sleep over the weekend (see Worked-Up Weekends), I am just a bundle of head pain-induced joy.

I am starting to feel desperately sad at the moment. Aside from my usual low mood which has dipped further, money has got ridiculously tight and I seem to now be caught in a vicious circle that is spinning out of control. I really didn't want to go to work today. I felt like I was treading water all morning and then at lunchtime just started to cry when I momentarily stopped consciously holding myself together. Samson was concerned and asked what was wrong, but I didn't feel able to talk and don't really know where to start. My appetite is low at the moment: although I know I am hungry, I don't feel much like eating, which doesn't help. The afternoon has dragged and this final hour is especially tiresome.

It is my Dad's birthday on Wednesday, a milestone of sorts, which should be a nice occasion, but one which I feel emotionally unprepared for. We are having a nice family dinner at a swanky Italian restaurant (Me, Dad, Mum, Big Sis and Bro-in-Law and Bigger Sis), which should be enjoyable. However, Dad's siblings and associated spouses and cousins and so on will be coming down for another meal on Sunday that Dad doesn't yet know about. With my current state of mind I am not looking forward to being around all those people, but things might change by Sunday. The alternative is that I will find it enjoyable, but then feel exhausted and emotionally depleted once it's over. I am anticipating it being another not-so-restful weekend which will make the week following it a little difficult.

I know how miserable I sound. I probably shouldn't blog when I feel negative and hopeless. But I don't currently feel like I have another outlet for that sadness. Carrying it around with me is becoming increasingly painful. At least when you write about things, no-one is obliged to read it and I wouldn't know whether they had or not. I suppose based on that argument I could just write for my own cathartic benefit and not put it online, but then at least the option is there should anyone feel the desire to read it. At least how I feel is documented somewhere, so that if I was ever in a position where I was unable to explain it, there is an archive, no matter how few people are aware of it.

When you talk to other people about personal things, it can feel awkward, uncomfortable, embarrassing or just plain hard when you are used to not verbalising your feelings. There is also the fact that unburdening your own woes onto someone else means that they share that burden, which might be something they don't necessarily want. In some cases, the proverbial problem that is shared is indeed a problem halved, because half the problem does seem to be solved simply in sharing it with someone else. However, sometimes the problem that is shared is only seemingly halved, because all you've done is offloaded half on it onto someone else, who then has become (un)willingly involved in dealing with it. But the problem is still there and has neither diminished nor disappeared since sharing it.

I find that sharing something personal and feeling like it has been dismissed or not taken as seriously as you would like, is more upsetting than just keeping it inside. I think it hurts more having spent the energy and courage opening up to someone else only for them to underestimate the significance of what you've said, than it does having the loneliness of feeling like you don't have someone to truly confide in. I just don't have any fight left today to work through this feeling on my own. It's one of my phases where I need to hibernate, sleep it off and hope my energy will have replenished itself once I've woken up.