Bordeaux

I am so bored, I am Bordeaux. That doesn't even make sense, but it sounded funny. I'm bored, what can I say? So, the hamster wheel continues to turn and the cycle of rituals goes on in its never-ending loop. Work continues to be unfulfilling and non-stimulating, intellectually or creatively. Home feels less like a haven and the same old sights I have seen for 20+ years are tired. I need a change of scene but feel unable to make that happen. I know that one of my problems is to always aim too high and set unrealistic expectations, but don't seem able to make effective the small changes that would get me on the road there.

I remember having a conversation with my uni mates about perfectionism, where one of them said they had been told that one sign of perfectionism is setting unrealistic goals, so that if you can't accomplish them, you have something to blame it on.

I seem to be a definite practiser of self-sabotage of late. I've definitely found it a nigh-on impossible struggle to beat the Little Hater inside for a good few years now. But I've decided to try and look at the positives where I can, even if only in a small way initially, in the hope that the small observations will become more frequent occurrences until a snowball of looking on the bright side results in an avalanche of positivity.

OK, so work is boring. It's a repetitive, mundane, thankless job, which is making me feel more and more stupid by the day from lack of intellectual activity. But on the plus side, the people I work with are lovely. It's a steady job and the pay is certainly more than reasonable for the actual responsibility (or lack of it) that I have. The annual leave is decent, as well as time off at Christmas and Easter, the pension is good (even if it will probably be worth nothing in 40+ years, or whenever the government at that time let me retire), it would be easy enough to leave and come back to if I happened to start a family any time soon (but not too soon, obviously). It's in a nice location, the commute is relatively easy and not too long, there is a gym on campus with cheap membership (that I am ashamed to say I haven't used in months but am planning to re-visit this week) and lots of lovely museums and eateries nearby.

All of these things are positives, but they don't really help the fact that my mental capacity and ability seems to be regressing from lack of use. So, instead of complaining about it constantly and leaving my grey matter to rot, I've been thinking that I will just have to use my initiative and fill my life outside of work with creativity and mental stimulation to make up for this. I have been trying to read more. I haven't blogged or written any poetry for ages, but that's probably partly because even I was getting sick of my own negativity and low mood. But that's something to work on. When I have good things to write about, I will write.

I've decided to start learning to play guitar, although that isn't altogether successful so far since I'm relying on a sheet of guitar chords and my own natural 'ability' (not so good) to get anywhere. I may need to research the prospect of lessons, but for now I will have to be more disciplined and make use of youtube tutorials. Secondly, after being inspired by Etsy.com and my very own mama, I am going to learn how to knit or crochet. I'll probably try and do both at some point, but for now I think I might start with crochet. There is a knitting and sewing exhibition my Mum wants to go to in October and as I was checking out dates and prices for her, I noticed all the classes they were offering. A three-hour beginners How-To-Crochet class sounded perfect, so I am planning to go with her and attend that. I already have two different blanket designs that I would like to work on once I learn, not to mention loads of adorable baby booties and things I've found patterns for on Etsy, as well as a pattern for the cutest little Ewok figure (3 inches tall). I also still have a cross-stitch/embroidery project that I bought a few years ago now but still haven't started. It turned out to be of a more complicated level that I realised when I bought it on eBay, but should be do-able. All I need is a bit of discipline and determination, and actually making time to do it.

I might record a few more songs for youtube, just a few covers for fun, but we'll see. I also have more plans for sorting out my bedroom (a perpetual job). I am going to get rid of my current desk (which is much bigger than necessary) and get a smaller one, hopefully in a couple of weeks when I get paid. I need to have a final surge of eBay selling, to get rid of the remaining bags, shoes, bits of clothing and jewellery that I still haven't got around to selling (my last effort was rather rewarding, about £170+ before fees, etc. were deducted). Then a slight reshuffle of furniture in my room to make sure the space is used efficiently and I'll take my bed apart and put it together again to try and stop it from creaking (surprisingly noisy and embarrassing).

Maybe this academic year I will finally get around to taking an evening language course at work (one of the other perks I forgot to mention). I am thinking I will go for Spanish first, although I never seem to have enough money when September/October comes around, but I think this time I really need to make the effort. It's usually one evening a week for about 10-12 weeks. I find Spanish fairly easy to pick up pronunciation-wise and languages seem to be something I can relate to, so hopefully that will be satisfying challenging rather than frustratingly so.

I nearly forgot! I'm going a skydive on Friday. Yikes! I'm doing it with Big Sis and our friend to raise money for the NSPCC. So far I have raised about £485. Maybe that will trigger some sort of desire and motivation to do more exciting things, or maybe it will cure my short-sightedness as Bro-in-Law mentioned it did to some random (because of the air pressure on the eyes. Probably an urban legend but here's hoping…) Either way, it's something to look forward to and something to add to the (short) list of things I've done in my lifetime.

I know, it sounds like I am setting unrealistic goals again. But if I have several things I'd at least like to start, perhaps I will at least be able to start two or three.