Emotional Memory

You know those special mattresses, those memory foam ones? The ones that mould to the shape of your body and are therefore meant to give better support to your back? The kind of material that you can push your hand into and the impression stays for a sometime before slowly disappearing, although over time, the same impression made over and over may eventually fail to disappear completely? Quite a good concept for orthopaedics, not such a good one for the soul.

That’s what I have become lately. Perhaps I should say that I have gradually become so, as it seems to have intensified and worsened slowly, little by little, over a period of time. The past ten years have given me lots of different experiences and lessons, have spurred growth and development and seen both stagnation and change. While some has been positive, there have been many difficult realisations, painful experiences and emotional difficulties. A person once told me that being so open-hearted, emotional and empathetic (as he also was) meant that I had to be especially careful to protect my own heart while not completely losing the characteristics that make me who I am and how God created me to be. The same person unfortunately caused my heart enough damage and confusion of his own on more than one occasion. But the words were still true. Being an emotionally open person makes you vulnerable. On the positive side, you can form and maintain valued relationships with people, you have an element of empathy and understanding which can enable you to put yourself in another person’s shoes and try to see things from their perspective. On the negative side of things, your nature can be taken advantage of, your sensitivity can make you easily and deeply affected by difficult situations and the problems of others that you take on and become emotionally involved with can soon become as if they are your own.

Lately, I have found myself to be incredibly sensitive about things. Emotionally turbulent situations can easily upset me, maybe not in an obvious way, or even with immediate effect, but I find myself feeling upset about things that I am not directly (or even indirectly) involved in. Little things that happen that might ordinarily irritate or offend me to a shallow degree now seem to get to me much more, so that I take things personally and feel the consequences on my confidence for a much longer time than before. Being surrounded by lots of negativity might have previously been written off as a bad day and slept off, but now sends me into a low patch that can last for days or even weeks. Even being around arguments or harsh words sometimes makes me feel upset. When I’m feeling low because of one of these situations, I find it really hard to be around anyone. I feel uncomfortable, unconfident, feel reluctant to talk and unable to feign normality. I push people away, lash out, or just retreat into myself so that the thoughts and emotions swim round and around in my head and heart and stay there, simmering away and draining me of emotional energy.

A few things have happened in recent weeks that have knocked my confidence or triggered low feelings. The tendency for cliques at work was highlighted when I was left out of a social invitation initiated by a team colleague that the rest of my team were invited to. I made a mistake this week at work that caused at least two days of disruption and extra work for most of my department, not to mention colleagues in our IT department. I have experienced judgemental comments or experiences, not always directly aimed at me, that have upset and angered me more than I can ever remember them doing so. I have found myself reminded of painful past experiences by people who I once cared for deeply. Why these things still upset me, or affect me to the degree that they do, I don’t know. I know that my depression can affect my ability to be completely rational about things and not take things personally unnecessarily. I tend to brood on things and think over things that I am upset about and situations can feel insurmountable for a while. But even once I have managed to get over them, or at least the initial reaction, I find that the impression remains for some time, maybe not completely disappearing at all. The negative comments, the hurtful experiences, the expectations I can’t meet, the feelings of inadequacy - they all make their mark on my mind and heart and that mark remains. It may not remain indefinitely, or even for a significant amount of time, but just long enough that a subtle impression, a faint imprint is left as evidence of what was once there.

So, although the 'how-to' is unbeknownst to me as yet, the 'what' is clear. I need to thicken my skin, toughen that heart of mine and become negativity-repellent. Hmm, this one may take a while.