Doorsteps and Thresholds

I am stuck. Stuck in the same old rut I have been for a few years. I thought that getting rid of some of the unhealthy relationships in my life might significantly help things. I suppose it did, but not for very long. I don’t even know what to say any more. I feel like a broken record. It's hard to change your way of thinking when it has been conditioned to a certain pattern over a long enough period of time.

Previous cycle:

Incident --> argument --> him playing the blame game, being defensive, making excuses --> me feeling like my hurt feelings are not valid/warranted --> me eventually not bothering to argue my side any further because he shouts louder/doesn't accept my opinion/is too proud to admit fault/blames me anyway --> me perhaps eventually getting an apology that never seems to be completely unconditional --> me feeling slightly bitter and resentful and then consequently remembering these feelings and the incident that caused them during every similar argument subsequent to this one.

On Saturday night, I went to Samson’s. It was late, but we had plans on Sunday and if I have the choice, I prefer to get the travelling out of the way the night before, rather than in the morning. Just after I had got on the train, he called me to check where I was and see what time I would be getting to his. It had just gone 11pm and I estimated that I’d be at his just after midnight. I got to the station near his just before midnight but there were no buses in sight, so I walked the short walk from the station to his place. Although it was late, the tube had been busy and there were quite a few people walking in the same direction as me. When I was a couple of minutes away, I called Samson to let him know so that he could come downstairs and let me in. There was no answer initially, so I called again a couple of times. There was still no answer by the time I got to the front door. There are five flats in the building and only two of the buzzers are marked. I don’t know which is the buzzer to his flat, because I’ve never had to use it. Whenever I go there I am either with him, or I call him before I get there and he comes down to let me in. In the daytime, I might have just pressed each of the three unmarked buzzers, but I didn’t think his neighbours would appreciate me doing this at that hour.

It had been a long day. I was tired, hungry and getting progressively more angry as I called several times more and still had no response. I sent a text message. “Let me in when you get a moment.” I hoped he would sense the snarky tone. Feeling tired, and upset that I was standing on a frickin’ doorstep in the dark after 12 at night, I sat on the step and waited. I had bought a burger to eat in lieu of dinner on the way, but my appetite disappeared as the minutes ticked by and my annoyance increased. Several people walked past down the road and I kept feeling anxious, aside from the fact that it was late and I was on my own, that one of his neighbours might arrive home after an evening out and add to my shame. After a while, I seriously contemplated going home. I was fed up, angry and getting horrible flashbacks of all the times in both my significant relationships where I have been kept waiting like that, or have called and called, only to have no response. The feeling that someone who is supposed to care about you to a significant degree is ignoring you, or doesn’t care enough to be there on time to meet you at a late hour when you being kept waiting would make you vulnerable, or doesn’t answer when you call even though they should have been expecting it, is one that really upsets me. I think it’s bad form anyway, but when you’ve had it done to you several times over and have been stupid enough to let it keep happening to you, the emotions it inspires are all too palpable and close to the surface. I was waiting 20 minutes when I sent another text. “I am waiting until half past and then I am seriously going home.” I was feeling stupid and let down, aside from cold, hungry, tired and angry. I felt silly for having travelled all that way at stupid o’clock, when he couldn’t even have his phone by him to make sure he answered the door when I arrived. I felt like a mug, like I was already being taken for granted yet again, so soon into the relationship.

A few minutes later, he called. “Where are you?” he said cheerily, seemingly oblivious to my messages, the fact that it was over 20 minutes past my estimated time of arrival, or the fact that I had called him several times before now. “I am on your doorstep. Where I have been for the past 20 minutes.” He started making apologies and I just said, “Let me in,” and hung up. He rushed down and opened the door, but I couldn’t even get up. I felt pissed off and worn down. He picked up my bag for me and started apologising, looking rather sheepish. I couldn’t even really look at him, I was so upset. We went upstairs and I went straight into the kitchen and threw my burger in the bin. He asked if I wanted tea or a drink of something. I declined and went straight to the bathroom, closing the door slightly more forcefully than I usually would have done. I looked in the mirror while I tried to calm myself down and then I sat on the floor and cried. I sat there for a while, waiting for the surge of emotions coursing through me to subside, but they didn’t. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t really want to talk to him and if I left the bathroom I would have to. I could hear him pottering around in the flat and wondered if he even realised how annoyed I was.

Minutes passed, but I couldn't tell how many. I was probably only in there for five, but if felt like ages. After a bit, he knocked on the door.
"Are you OK?" he asked.
"What do you think?" I answered, realising that there was no way I could say 'fine' and convincingly pretend it was true.
"I'd imagine you are pretty pissed off with me," he said, calmly. Eventually he asked if he could come in.
"If you must," I said, still annoyed, but not wanting to stay that way. I felt really hurt and still couldn't look at him. He crouched down next to me on the floor and apologised again. We talked, although my responses were directly mainly at the floor, as I sat elbow on knee, holding my forehead in one hand, and wiping my tears with a tissue held in the other.
"I've travelled all the way up here, you don't even have to meet me at the station, the least you could do is answer your phone when I get here. Do you even have an explanation?"

It was just one of those silly oversights where he had left his phone in the bedroom while he watched TV in the living room and hadn't heard it. One of those little mistakes that can happen to anyone, but one that he wasn't to know would send me over the edge. We talked a little bit more. I was still angry and upset, but slowly calming down. He apologised again, took full responsibility and made me feel much better. It sounds stupid, but it was a first for me to be in that kind of situation and not have the other person respond angrily and be defensive, or worse, somehow turn things around and blame me, till I was believing that the situation was my fault. Or perhaps not believing it, but somehow having the blame placed on me by default because arguing any further was futile.

"Do you want to go and chill in my room for a bit? I can stay in the living room till you feel a bit better?"
"No."
"Do you want me to leave you alone?"
"No."
"Can I give you a hug?"
"Yes."
He hugged me and helped me up off the floor. We hugged again and I gradually felt calmer. He stroked my hair and told me how much I mean to him and that he doesn't want to do things that upset me. I told him I had very nearly gone home. "I would have come after you," he said. "I don't want to lose you."

This cycle:

Incident --> discussion --> me being allowed to explain my point of view and why the incident upset me --> him understanding my point of view accepting that me feeling that way was warranted --> him apologising for how his actions caused me to feel that way --> him making me feel listened-to and valued --> me having the chance to calm down --> him giving me the opportunity for space if I needed it --> me accepting his apology --> reconciliation.

And just like that, the rut was sort of broken.