I think the recent (no doubt short-lived) burst of sunshine, coupled with my reduction in medication, is making me a teeny bit mental. I keep feeling randomly hyper and excitable and enthusiastic. Fast forward a day or two (sometimes an hour or two) and….hello! Verge of tears! Oh, to be a man without erratic monthly hormones, or just a normal person with erratic emotions in general. I have been feeling vaguely more positive, but who knows why that is, I think someone somewhere must be praying for me.I never did finish what I started writing, nor did I write about what happened just three days later when Samson's birthday had almost rolled around...
This past winter (I shouldn’t speak quite so soon, it’s still pretty nippy out there) has been rather long and consistently cold and grey. The sunshine of late and the feel that spring is definitely getting ready to live up to its name have helped me remember that things aren’t always bleak forever. Winter becomes spring, night becomes day, the leaves and flowers that die are soon replaced with new growth. Aside from the symbolism, the change in weather itself has definitely made a difference, however small, to my outlook. I need a holiday, a proper break, to go somewhere hot and sunny, without any responsibility or obligation (I’ve loved going to Croatia and Latvia partially for singing engagements, but it doesn’t always feel completely like a holiday, especially when you are relying on someone else’s transport or working by their schedule). I’d like a holiday without my family, some time that is completely care free and chilled out. I would really like that.
It is Samson’s birthday on Saturday. I think I am more excited than he is. I have lots exciting presents to give him. At least, I think they’re exciting, haha. They are all things I know he wants or would at least like, so I hope he’ll be happy. I’ve probably gone a tiny bit overboard with my present-buying, but I like getting things for people that I care about, especially things that I know they will appreciate (or at least hope they will). I want to tell him what I’ve bought!!! I’m usually good at keeping secrets, but I feel like just giving them to him a few days early so I don’t crack!
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After deciding that I would gradually bring myself off my meds by taking them on alternate days (rather than daily), things were going OK. I was feeling generally quite good, excited about Samson’s upcoming birthday and enjoying the sunshine and (marginally) warmer weather. Friday came, the day before Samson’s birthday. I was feeling in a really good mood, until about mid-morning. That evening after work, there were several things happening. It was a colleague’s last day before going on maternity leave. We were invited to go to the café at the museum over the road from 4.30 onwards for a little leaving do. From 5.30 onwards, Samson was having birthday drinks at the bar downstairs. One of my friends shares her birthday with him and she was having dinner that evening in North London at about 7.30 (with drinks from about 6.00). I was already feeling awkward that I would be a bit rushed to even make it to the leaving do and the birthday drinks and would almost certainly have to decline the birthday dinner.
In addition to all that, the next day was our home-church day, where our small group meets at my Mum’s house. I have somehow been placed in charge of supervising the children (Big C, Little C, The Destroyer and any others who show up) and arranging activities for them, which I hadn’t been able to plan yet, or had even thought about yet. I had also been asked to lead out in a discussion in the afternoon, which again, I hadn’t prepared for. On top of this, I felt pressure to get to the 'rents early. I wouldn’t want to go there if I’d had a few drinks, but I wouldn’t want to go home either and face inevitable disapproval from Big Sis.
Suddenly, everything seemed insurmountable. I felt stressed, anxious, pressurised and upset. I felt that no matter what I did that evening, I would be letting someone down, or making someone disappointed with me. Suddenly, irrationally, I felt awful and unable to cope. I emailed my friend and told her that unfortunately, I wouldn’t be able to make it to her dinner. She was fine about it, but in my over-sensitive frame of mind, I read a vague sense of annoyance/disappointment/resignation into her email reply. For the rest of the day, I was fighting back tears. Not in the way I have done so many times, where I can nip out to the toilets if necessary and get myself together, regain my composure and go back to my desk. But in a way I hadn’t experienced before, where I was finding it incredibly difficult to hold back. I don’t think it was even that the emotions I was feeling were overwhelmingly strong. My eyes literally seemed unable to hold the tears in and the abundance of them didn’t seem completely linked to what I was feeling. Usually when like this, my eyes might well up, but I wouldn’t really cry, perhaps having to wipe away a solitary tear that squeezed its way out. But this time, my eyes were streaming and I had to keep making a quick escape to the loos to wipe my eyes and try to get a hold on things. Annoying, this also meant that my eyes were a little red and puffy and if anyone looked too closely, it would have been obvious that I had been crying. I was thankful that my colleague who sits directly opposite me was away, as she would definitely have noticed and I think anyone asking if I was OK might have sent me over the edge in full-blown sobs.
Samson invited me over the road to lunch as a group of them were going. I decided not to join them because I was going to have to work through my lunch if I was going to be able to leave early for the leaving do after work. In truth, I also didn’t really feel much like seeing or talking to anyone. I was starting to wonder if I would even be able to face going out that evening. As the afternoon wore on, I was feeling worse and worse. I just wanted to run away, to be alone, to wander around for a while and not have to go home or to the 'rents or anywhere that would require me to have to explain myself. Just after 4.30, the tears were getting worse and worse.
I went out to the toilets, tried to pull myself together and instead found myself returning to my desk with red, watery eyes that had failed to stop leaking. A little before 5.00, most of my colleagues started to leave for our colleague’s maternity leave send-off. The other team leader (Woody) went to have a quick chat to my line manager and noticed my appearance. “Are you OK?” she asked, seeming concerned. “I’m fine, thanks,” I said, not even pretending that I wasn’t crying, just not really sure I could answer any differently. She didn’t look like she wanted to accept that answer, but didn’t ask again. My pregnant colleague went to leave and I explained that I wasn’t sure I could make it, but wished her all the best and gave her a hug. She noticed my red eyes too. I was finding it harder and harder to keep it together. I started to email Samson, telling him I was really sorry but I didn’t think I could come to his birthday drinks after all. The tears were falling quite steadily now and my line manager asked again if I was OK. “I’m all right,” I answered. “You can go home you know,” he said kindly. “I just need to finish up a couple of things,” I told him, to which he replied, “I’m sure they can wait until Monday?” I finished my email to Samson, telling him that I was going to go home as I couldn’t stop crying and both Flame-Grilled and Woody had seen me and asked what was wrong and that I couldn’t face going out this evening, so would just text him later or something.
As soon as I had sent the email, I couldn’t get out of there quick enough. My eyes streamed with tears virtually the entire way to the ‘rents, a journey of approximately 90 minutes. It was the oddest experience and one I have not had before. For most of the time, I wasn’t even feeling especially upset, I just couldn’t stop crying. I read the paper on the way home, tears rolling down my cheeks, wondering what on earth the other people on the train would be thinking. By the time I got to the ‘rents, I had managed to stop crying for a bit, but knew I must look terrible and wouldn’t be able to feign normality with my own mother. When I got home, I gave my Mum a hug and said hello. She looked at my face and immediately asked “What’s wrong?” It was hard to explain that I didn’t actually know. She seemed quite concerned, although I explained that it must be because of me gradually coming off my meds. I ate dinner and had an early night, although I still cried on and off for a lot of the evening. I felt really bad that I had left Samson hanging at the last minute, even though he had been really understanding.
The next day we had home church and I felt numb. I was in charge of looking after the children, so we did a few activities and did some drawing and I managed to keep things together. I sometimes prefer being around the kids as they don’t ask questions the way adults do and you don’t offend them if you don’t make small talk. They also make me laugh, which is a definite advantage when you have been crying a ridiculous amount over the space of 24 short hours. Some friends joined our group who I haven’t seen in ages and I felt unable to talk to them properly. When lunchtime came I found I was avoiding conversation and eventually went to my room, laid on my bed and cried some more. I just felt blank and couldn’t face being around anyone. I didn’t have any lunch. Big Sis came up later to ask if I was going to lead the afternoon discussion as had been planned. I said that I couldn’t. I literally couldn’t string a coherent thought together in my head, let alone express it adequately with my mouth. Big Sis later brought me some food, which I really appreciated because I was starving, and I ate and then slept the rest of the afternoon until everybody had left. I couldn’t wait to get home. Samson had been checking on me and wondering if we were going to see each other that evening. To be completely honest, I didn't think I would be a good idea to see each other, since I was feeling so utterly low. I didn't imagine I would be the best company for him on his birthday. But I also felt bad that I hadn't seen him on his birthday and that I wouldn't get to give him the presents I had so been looking forward to giving him on his actual birthday. He didn't pressure me, but he did tell me that he would love to see me, even if it was to just chill and go to sleep, he just wanted to spend some time with me. I relented, knowing that I really did want to spend time with him, but I felt bad for how I was feeling and how uncelebratory a mood I was in.
By the time I got home, he was already in the pub on the corner, wasting time with a quick drink before I got there. I had to tidy my room, so he stopped by the takeaway to get himself from dinner. It was barely even still his birthday, but by the time he came to mine, he was still his cheerful self, still pleased to see me, still being as lovely as always. We chilled out and watched some TV while he ate, then I gave him his presents. He was excited, which made me laugh, but also made me happy I'd made an effort to wrap them all separately and prolong the suspense. He was very happy with his haul - a couple of CDs, Battlestar Galactica Season 4 DVD box set and a new wireless adapter for his X-Box (his old one wasn't working). I joked that I would have to make the most of these last precious moments we were sharing together before our relationship died an X-Box induced death. I felt so much better being around him. He made me laugh, feel relaxed and cared for. The next day, we woke up, had breakfast, watched some TV and then got ready to go to his. Things felt all right again, but it seemed to have been the worst blip since I started on my meds.
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