'A Little Bit Mental'

It has been a little while since I have blogged. That's a slight understatement, I know. It has been a weird few months and to be honest, I have found it very difficult to summon up the energy to do anything like writing once I get home after work. I've also been a little stuck for things to say. In some ways, nothing much has changed since I last wrote, but at the same time things have changed drastically, but I've just found it hard to express.

I went back to my doctor nearly 6 weeks ago. I explained that I had been feeling very down, lacking in energy, appetite and enthusiasm for pretty much anything, feeling on the verge of tears a great deal of the time and generally finding it quite difficult to cope with the basic functions of life. We discussed things for a while and talked about the option of medication. I had already thought about this and talked about it with some people close to me. I couldn't really see what other options I had. I had already identified most of the causes of my depression, but was unable to make any immediate significant changes to those situations, so I couldn't see how much any further counselling could help. I just needed something to help me function a little bit more like normal, until I could actually make things better. My doctor prescribed me with anti-depressants, a low dose of a commonly-used version, for a one-month trial. She warned me that they could make me feel worse for the first couple of weeks, but that if I could just stick with them, things would usually improve after that. I was a bit worried about the prospect of feeling any worse, but if there was at least the prospect of feeling better on the other side, then I had to give it a go.

When I had discussed the idea of taking anti-depressants with a few people, there were mixed reactions. Most people were supportive or understanding. My ex immediately responded with, "Why do you need to do that? You should try exercising more. That will make you feel better," which really didn't help. I knew that underneath the knee-jerk defensive reaction was concern for me and my wellbeing, and a fear that I would be relying on the drugs or worse, become addicted to them. I found the reaction a little irritating, but also rather ironic, considering his reliance on and addiction to smoking cannabis throughout the nearly 11 years I have known him. NY Guy suggested caution based on a friend's bad experience with them, but was much more supportive. He just wanted me to feel better and thought that if they could work for me then he was happy about that. Other friends have either taken them themselves or know someone who has, or can at least identify with the feeling of helplessness.

It might seem like a big fuss over taking something that is both well-tested and commonly taken, but there still seems to very much be a stigma surrounding things that relate to mental health, however 'mild' or commonplace they may be. I definitely have a much greater understanding and sympathy who suffer from severe depression. Everyone has periods of feeling down, or goes through difficult situations and crises. But I hadn't realised just how much the mental state of depression can affect your physical well-being. I would feel so low and apathetic about everything that at times it was hard to find enough energy to even walk at my normal pace or even string a proper sentence together. I would want to avoid being around people where I would have to carry on a conversation because it would take too much effort. Evenings would consist of struggling to get through my usual 25-minute train journey without feeling restless and then getting into bed almost as soon as I got home, feeling utterly relieved the day was over. If a friend was going through something and needed to talk, I sometimes found it hard to deal with, almost as if I couldn't cope with any more problems and I only had barely enough energy to deal with my own.

When I collected my prescription, the pharmacist advised me that the first time I took it I might feel weird, so it was best to take it in the evening. The first one I took did make me feel drowsy. For a few days I then felt a little bit hyper, which was a feeling I had forgotten about. Once that calmed down, I felt OK, but at times I felt quite nauseous and my appetite, which hadn't been great even before I started, was definitely suppressed. NY Guy spoke to me every evening to check in and see how I was, which at times felt amusingly like I was a little scientific experiment for him, but was actually rather comforting. It took a while to adjust, but there were definite improvements. I wasn't on the verge of tears constantly, I could focus on what needed doing at work, I even felt some enjoyment from my job at times. I knew that they weren't magic pills that would make everything happy, but they seemed to stabilise my emotions enough that I could cope a bit better. I did have more energy and more motivation than I had done before taking them and it made life a little bit easier to cope with. I have very much appreciated having people around me who are both supportive and understanding and generally lovely. It has been much easier dealing with things knowing that I have people who I trust and can confide in. Some people might have noticed that I hadn't been myself, but I think that most of the people who would have noticed are people who I am close to anyway, so could explain my situation to them.

The only really obvious indication of me not being well is that my appetite has been affected to the extent that I have visibly lost quite a lot of weight, which I didn't really have an excess of to begin with. I am below what I consider to be my healthy weight and have had concerned looks from people I haven't seen in a while. I considered telling my parents about the medication after they became a little concerned (my Dad more than my Mum) about my lack of appetite and weight loss, but I'm not sure whether telling them with be a help or hindrance, really. It has been an excuse to go shopping since most of my trousers and skirts virtually fall off me at the moment, which I have found difficult. I like to stay slim, but don't like being skinny, and definitely feel a lack of meat on my bones lately. Most people who know me know that I love my food, so losing my appetite has been hard to deal with! I often am aware that I am hungry, in that I can feel my belly is empty, but I don't have much of a desire to eat. I often have to make a concerted effort to eat something just so that I am getting enough energy, but a lot of the pleasure and enjoyment of eating is missing, which sucks!

When I first told Lolly about the medication, we had gone out to dinner after not seeing each other for what felt like ages. We both got spaghetti and meatballs and I could only get about two-thirds through mine before starting to feel a bit sick, which was so frustrating. We have always shared a common love of food and I think even she realised my irritation at not being able to enjoy dinner the way we used to! I went back to my doctor after the month's trial and we discussed how it was going. She explained that the side-effects should wear off, but I am trying to live with them and work around them for now. She advised continuing on the medication for another 5 months and then reviewing it. If things were still not settled in my situation, then it might be worth me staying on them for a while. I am happy with the 6 months for now. I don't know what really will have changed for me personally in 6 months' time, so I may need to continue after that, but we'll see. I am scared of feeling the way I did before, but I know that things will gradually improve.

I don't know why I've felt the need to share this in such detail. I think it has helped me to understand and make sense of my own situation, the reasons for it and the ways in which I can get out of it, or at least make improvements to it. I think I have felt able to be relatively open about it because I think more people need to understand conditions like depression, stress and anxiety. They are experienced by so many people, but many others are still ignorant of their effects or how to react to or deal with people who are suffering from them. The Mrs made me laugh out loud when she explained to me that most of the people she is close to are all "a bit mental." She has definitely had more experience than most with the mental health spectrum, since her brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia and she is now studying to qualify as a mental health nurse. But I know what she means, many of the people I am close to have experienced similar problems or are more open to and aware of their emotional/psychological weaknesses. I think it's healthy to be able to identify when you need help or are going through a period of low mental health, the same way we are aware of when our bodies are run-down or in need of rest and TLC. I'm aware that I'm still a work in progress, but that has always been the premise of this blog of mine, hence the title.