Medicated...and Under Pressure

I got an appointment to see my doctor, finally. I had been trying to get an appointment for a couple of weeks and it had proved difficult. I thought that by the time I eventually managed to talk to her, I would have lost the energy or motivation to even explain my situation. However, I talked things through with her and she asked me lots of questions, discussed my options and finally prescribed anti-depressants. I wasn't averse to the idea, in fact I had gone to see her with the intention of asking about them, but I wasn't sure if there were other options I hadn't explored, or anything else she might suggest. But I was inclined towards the idea of medication, as it seemed like the most suitable option for me. If one more person tells me to do some exercise or to remember that there are lots of people who love me, I will probably be unable to react non-violently.

It's a strange thing with matters of mental health. Many people can't understand the notion of feeling so inexplicably low that you are unable to function properly, not just mentally and emotionally, but physically too. Some people also seem to have very strong views when it comes to taking medication for such things, even though they wouldn't think twice about taking painkillers and suchlike for physical conditions. It is right to be cautious, but I would suggest that is a wise basis with which to approach the taking of any medication. I weighed up my options and read the side effects and I have heard anecdotal evidence about them from people who have either experienced it for themselves or have someone close to them who has. To be honest, unless the side effects were going to be utterly horrendous and cause huge alternative problems, taking the medication would always be more appealing to me than carrying on in my current state. It's not pleasant, constantly feeling utterly exhausted physically and mentally drained, unable to really get excited about things you would usually find exciting and finding it hard to get any enjoyment out of the activities you would normally love. I'm not expecting anything magic to occur overnight, but anything that can help me to function properly again, get through the day without being on the verge of tears and just generally feel better able to cope with life is a welcome relief to me. It may just be the placebo effect, but these little green capsules seem to be working already. I feel a little groggy and am still quite worn out, but I feel a little bit more positive and slightly more energetic personality-wise. Basically, I feel a little bit more like myself, which is all I really wanted. It is such early days, but it's a relief to actually have a course of action that might help me. It's also a little bit liberating to say "I have been suffering from depression," and to be upfront about the fact that I need help with it.

It's amazing how much of a stigma is still attached to any mental health problem, but especially amazing with something so common as depression. There is still a lot of ignorance about this sort of thing. I've especially found it to be a taboo subject in my church setting, where some people think you can 'pray away' these things and that you shouldn't be susceptible to low moods if you are a Christian. Such attitudes are destructive, unhelpful and discouraging. The world we are living in at this time is so far removed from what God's ideal for us ever was, that it is no surprise that more and more people feel overwhelmed by the pressure of modern life and all its trappings. Never before has the human race had such technological and industrial advances available to such wide-reaching circles, but additionally, neither has it experienced such fragmentation within the family and wider society. There are so many aspects of the 21st century that are astounding and inspiring, juxtaposed against those aspects which sadden and horrify. I can't help but feel that the overwhelming abundance of choice and opportunity available to the average person living in the western world means that there is also overwhelming pressure placed on the average person to live up to the perceived ideals and potential successes that are expected.

Over the past year, I've discovered that I subconsciously place huge amounts of pressure on myself to be a certain way, to meet expectations that others have, all based on my own perception of what those around me expect. Where do these pressures come from? From parents, peers, society, the media, advertising, employers, religious institutions, and so on. I had an enlightening and reassuring conversation with a good friend recently. We were discussing how our parents have the idea that we can achieve wondrous things, because of the opportunities available to us that they didn't have access to in their time. As a result, they often put pressure on their children to take up careers or pursue vocations or qualifications that they approve of, regardless of whether their child wants to do so. My friend has a child and more than anything wants to have more. She commented that her mother and grandmother would say "you should count yourself lucky, with all the career opportunities available to you nowadays as a woman." Her response was "I liked the opportunities available to you, thanks very much." It's wonderful that we have so much choice and freedom nowadays, especially as women. But surely the whole point of such things is so that you can make your own choice best on what is best for you? If you want to just have a family and raise your family full-time, why should that be viewed as a failure? If you are ambitious and want to devote your time to your career and don't have a desire to have any children, why should that be viewed as wrong? Why is it that we are made to believe that we must achieve it all, and that fine, you may have children, but you must also have a successful career in your own right, and furthermore, who needs a man to support you? You're independent, you can have it all and on your own terms! I am making no judgement on the choices that people make in their lives. All I am pointing out is that if we have freedom of choice, then we shouldn't feel that our choices are looked down upon when they don't meet other people's expectations.

The pressures of the 21st century (and the late 20th century) have had a detrimental effect on the family and therefore on the average person's contentment and ability to form healthy relationships later in life. With dysfunctional partnerships and strained relationships within families, it's little wonder that more and more people are succumbing to stress, anxiety and depression, often finding destructive and unhealthy ways to distract from or cope with their problems, as evidenced by the common use of harder drugs, 'binge' drinking, sexual deviances and various other ways to get kicks. We all have our own coping mechanisms, but it’s strange that while some extra-curricular activities are generally accepted, expected and even encouraged, that other ways of dealing with the slings and arrows life throws at us are viewed as odd or are stigmatised.

I’ve never really been one for excess, although my excesses are probably just tame compared to many of my peers, but I’m finding my own way to cope. I just want to move past coping to really living. And soon.