Tipping Point

After my desperate blog post on Tuesday, I realised that I had once again reached a point where things needed to change.  I have been at that point so many times before, managed to claw my way up from it, tread water again for a while (months even) and then slipped slowly downwards again, without realising I was almost underwater until I found myself gasping for air.  I can’t keep complaining about my situation when there are things I can do to change it.  Granted, I often find those things difficult to do, but they are not impossible, they just require an extra big dose of determination and effort on my part.  I can talk to friends about things, to Big Sis, to Samson, and have a good source of support.  But I don’t think even my closest loved ones knew the full extent of how I was feeling, or perhaps more crucially, the finer details of exactly why I have been feeling so low.  It’s hard to remove the mask even with people I love and trust the most.  Writing everything down made me realise exactly how unhappy I have been feeling and that I really must do something to change things.  


I wrote a list of what I needed to do this week.  I managed to get a few trivial items done, but the most important items, the biggies that glared at me from the page even more virulently the longer I put them off, they were the ones I knew I had to face and get over with.  After work on Tuesday, I stayed behind a little late.  I called up the employee assistance program we have at work to enquire about whether they have CBT available.  They don’t, but I got some details about the counselling they offer and what I would need to do to set up my first session.  I called up the loan company that has been sending me threatening emails requesting that I reply, then responding to my replies with generic information that didn’t answer my specific queries.  They were threatening to add fees of £350 onto a payment I owed of £315 if I didn’t pay by the 20th of June, despite me telling them more than once that I get paid on the 22nd and could not make any payment until then.  When I called, I explained this and stated that it was unfair to add charges that amounted to more than the actual loan, for the sake of two days.  Despite me feeling anxious about calling, the woman I spoke to seemed completely reasonable, said that payment on Friday was fine and that they would waive the charges.  The last call was to a company that offers free debt advice, including setting up debt managements plans, all without any charge.  I called them back, set up a phone appointment for Thursday and arranged to make a list of all my creditors and the exact amounts owed to each.


I feel so much better having done something.  My life needs to change and I'm the only one who can change it.