I couldn’t face attending my therapy appointment on Saturday. I slept badly the night before, felt anxious at the thought of going and was in tears as I tried to explain to Samson how I felt. I thought I might be able to compel myself to go, but couldn’t summon the energy or the strength and ended up sending a pathetic text to Mary at 11am (when my appointment was due to start). I knew she would be disappointed/annoyed etc. and I also didn’t want Samson to be disappointed in me. But when I had made the definite decision that I did not want to go, I felt so much better and didn’t even have that nagging feeling of regret later on which I sometimes get when, rather than push through the discomfort, I make a decision to not do something that I probably should have.
The Alternative
I've thought of exploring the possibility of getting Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) on and off for some time, after hearing about it, reading about it and having it recommended to me by more than one person I know. I suppose I have been reluctant, not knowing whether it was the right thing for me, but admittedly also subconsciously thinking "That's what obsessive compulsives get, the real crazy ones," somehow trying to deny and ignore my own slight OCD tendencies and the fact that OCD or not, CBT is used to help replace bad/negative patterns of thinking/behaviour with good/positive ones. I've noticed that while talking to someone about the things that are bothering me was helping to a degree and perhaps helping me figure out the bigger picture of my mental health, day-to-day I still haven't been coping. A throwaway comment from someone can lead me to feeling utterly rubbish about myself because of the way I tend to perceive things. I know that sorting out some problems will improve things, but I need to change the way I react to situations in general to improve things long term.
I've thought of exploring the possibility of getting Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) on and off for some time, after hearing about it, reading about it and having it recommended to me by more than one person I know. I suppose I have been reluctant, not knowing whether it was the right thing for me, but admittedly also subconsciously thinking "That's what obsessive compulsives get, the real crazy ones," somehow trying to deny and ignore my own slight OCD tendencies and the fact that OCD or not, CBT is used to help replace bad/negative patterns of thinking/behaviour with good/positive ones. I've noticed that while talking to someone about the things that are bothering me was helping to a degree and perhaps helping me figure out the bigger picture of my mental health, day-to-day I still haven't been coping. A throwaway comment from someone can lead me to feeling utterly rubbish about myself because of the way I tend to perceive things. I know that sorting out some problems will improve things, but I need to change the way I react to situations in general to improve things long term.
Quids In (or maybe just Less Quids Out)
I make my last loan payment on 21st April. I cannot wait. Although I still have quite a few debts to pay and won't have finished paying these for several months yet, this is a significant payment that will be out of the way. Not continuing with my therapy appointments will save me the same amount of money, meaning I will have a substantial amount of money freed up to pay off more of my other debts and make things that bit easier financially.
I make my last loan payment on 21st April. I cannot wait. Although I still have quite a few debts to pay and won't have finished paying these for several months yet, this is a significant payment that will be out of the way. Not continuing with my therapy appointments will save me the same amount of money, meaning I will have a substantial amount of money freed up to pay off more of my other debts and make things that bit easier financially.
I really want to start driving lessons this year (if I could get my licence this year too, that would be even better) and I have also been thinking more and more seriously about getting eye surgery to correct my vision. Both things will cost at least £1000 each, the eye surgery probably double that, based on the approximate prices I've seen. Plus, a holiday with the boy at some point this year would be nice, even if it's just a long weekend in the country.
Seeing the 'Rents
I went to my parents' house late on Saturday afternoon with Big Sis. We had a good chat with Mum, ate a lovely dinner, stayed the night and then woke to breakfast made my Dad, after which Mum curled my hair for me. It was nice spending time with them and not feeling rushed. Mum kept pottering around in the garden in between doing my hair and Dad went upstairs for a while to 'put his feet up' (which actually means 'watch cartoons' - I think he's having a second childhood, or maybe a first one, since they didn't have animated films like Winnie the Pooh when he was growing up). We had another yummy meal at lunchtime (I have really missed my Mum's home cooking, especially of the vegetarian variety) and then Mum gave us both a lift home in the afternoon.
I went to my parents' house late on Saturday afternoon with Big Sis. We had a good chat with Mum, ate a lovely dinner, stayed the night and then woke to breakfast made my Dad, after which Mum curled my hair for me. It was nice spending time with them and not feeling rushed. Mum kept pottering around in the garden in between doing my hair and Dad went upstairs for a while to 'put his feet up' (which actually means 'watch cartoons' - I think he's having a second childhood, or maybe a first one, since they didn't have animated films like Winnie the Pooh when he was growing up). We had another yummy meal at lunchtime (I have really missed my Mum's home cooking, especially of the vegetarian variety) and then Mum gave us both a lift home in the afternoon.
That's pretty much the main events of the week. Overall, not so bad, but the thing with my counselling appointment is still nagging in the back of my mind. Come on, Easter!
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