(Fore) Closure

The subject of money, or more the subject of booking more therapy sessions (which would cost more money), didn't come up until the end of my appointment on Saturday. I said I wasn't sure I would be able to attend much in April because I couldn't afford it. Mary's face dropped and the atmosphere changed. "What's different this month to last month?" she asked, which I didn't know altogether how to answer. "Well what do you mean, you can't do April? I mean you're basically saying this is over because it's the beginning of April now."

It was an awkward moment and a side to her I had not seen. There was a fire in her eyes that I couldn't quite work out the meaning of, but I think it was a sign of hurt. "I can't help you if it's off and on, we really need to see each other every week. I mean, you're making a decision about how you spend your money, so..."

I explained that I was in a tight situation financially and that it wasn't that I didn't want to make any more appointments. My eyes started to well up a little bit and I had to hold in the sudden urge I had to cry. "I should have mentioned this at the beginning," she said, suddenly calmer, "So I have a part in this too. Will you at least come next week so that we can talk about it?"

I agreed, although I had no idea how I would pay for the appointment, and things seemed better again. For a moment, I wasn't sure who needed or wanted the appointments more. But I suppose when you get involved in someone's life, even professionally, especially in a pastoral capacity, you feel a responsibility for and an attachment to them, that requires a level of closure if it is to end. The only problem is that now I have seen that side of her, I can't un-see it, you know? I know I am still working through things, but I sort of feel like I will be doing that forever. When do I decide and how do I know that I am ready to go it alone, that the things bothering me are no longer things that are insurmountable, but challenges I can face in a rational way without having to pay someone to talk me through them?

During the walk home I felt a bit numb. When I got back to Samson's afterwards, he noticed I wasn't right and I ended up talking to him and then crying quite a lot into his shoulder. Bizarrely, the tears came freely, which doesn't often happen, even when I feel really low. We talked, he gave me a cuddle and some reassurance and I felt a bit better. I made us some brunch, then ended up falling asleep for an hour and a half, feeling rather drained.

I'm not sure what to say next session. I've made nearly the cost of my appointment by selling things on eBay this week, but I can't guarantee I will have done the same next week. Samson is essentially subsidising my lifestyle right now and what a pathetic lifestyle to subsidise. It was a weird moment, but I suppose one that hit me where it needed to hurt. What am I doing with my life when I can't afford the help I need to get better, but can buy random clothes, shoes, accessories and so on that will probably be the same stuff I am selling on eBay now in 3 years' time? I have to get my act together, emotionally and financially.