The first half of January has been a bit of a haze, in a good way. I didn’t have the usual feeling of dread that the start of a new year can sometimes bring. January is usually always so bleak here, it’s usually a long and poor month due to being paid early for Christmas, and seems to be a time when people reign in the excesses of the holiday period and resolve to be/eat/look better. The first week of January was taken up with sorting out books and papers in the living room and clearing out all the furniture to make way for the new carpet we were going to have laid in there, as well as the stairs and the landing. It felt like a lot of work, but was worth it when the carpet was finally down, making the place look cosier, feel warmer and sound quieter (the stairs and landing creak much less now). I was the only one still off work, so duly stayed home to let the carpet fitters in. My intentions over the 31/2 weeks I had off work were to also have a huge tidy-up and clear-out of my bedroom, massively downsizing my wardrobe and bag collection and putting anything unwanted of worth for sale on eBay to give me some extra funds and help with my get (at least mostly) debt-free in 2011 plan. But I found I felt so exhausted for the first part of the break that I just wanted to rest and had little motivation to do my household chores. When I started to feel more energised, that energy was taken up with sorting and tidying other parts of the house and then packing and preparing for our family holiday in Egypt (will hopefully write more on this in a separate post).
When we got back from our holiday, it was all systems go again, trying to get laundry done, work clothes ready and preparing myself for the inevitable shock of going back to work after almost a month. We were having vinyl laid in the hallway (which they hadn't been able to do at the same time as the carpet), so another move of a few things was in order, as well as cleaning the floor before their arrival. Everything went smoothly, but my bedroom sadly shows very little difference to how it was before my break. I still have a huge amount of clothes that I barely use and bags that I no longer need or want, despite still buying new clothes and bags now and then without getting rid of an equal number of unwanted items first.
My first day back at work was Wednesday 19th. For the first morning, I had almost forgotten what I do. Luckily, it is a relatively quiet period for us, so I could ease back in gently. Payday was still 5 days away and boy, was I counting down! I felt exhausted at the end of the week after just three days of being at work. I decided not to go to see the 'rents, but went home, cooked a veggie Shepherd's Pie for the fam (Big Sis and Bro-in-Law) and had an early night.
Sabbath was a quiet one; I watched a church service online, listened to my favourite instrumental gospel CD and started reading an interesting book about scandals in the Bible. Samson was coming over in the evening, so I put some potatoes in the oven to bake, had a nice long bath and then watched TV with him when he arrived. After dinner, we watched the Watchmen, which I did enjoy but was a little bemused by. It was lovely to spend time with him. We were only away a week, but I did miss being around him and how much he makes me laugh.
I realised the dip in mood I had not long after being back was in part down to being back here, back to routine, back to responsibilities, restrictions and expectations. I loved having a completely different schedule and a loose one at that. I also realised that a huge part of my anxiety is my lack of money once bills are paid. I didn't need to spend any money while in Egypt, as food and drinks were pretty much included in the cost of the holiday. It was a carefree existence, devoid of any of the usual triggers of my low moods or reminders of the things that upset me.
On the plus side, despite it not feeling like a normal January, I have inadvertently been making resolutions to improve my life, environment and my mental and physical health. I had decided in late December to make a concerted effort to pay off my debts in 2011. My loan payments end in the summer anyway and looking at my income versus expenditure, I don't really have much excuse to be living payday to payday, other than my own bad money management. I know that will improve my life and also how I feel about myself. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of being poor, feeling rubbish because of it, buying things I can't really afford to cheer myself up, then feeling even more rubbish when I consequently cause more problems for myself.
The other thing I know I have to prioritise is getting counselling. Since my doctor and I decided to increase the dosage of my medication, it has become clearer to me that I need some kind of therapy to talk through and get through the past events and mental patterns that are keeping me trapped in this depressive state. The drugs no longer work the way they used to, because the root problem hasn't been treated. I found a place that offers lots of different therapies (counselling, massage, Pilates, etc.) which is fairly near to where Samson lives (meaning I am less likely to bump into anyone I know, but am near to him in case I have a particularly bad session). I have a tentative appointment for Saturday (which I wouldn't normally do, but it was the soonest one I could make), but have to ring the lady first for a quick chat. I am feeling anxious about it but know that it's something I have to just be brave about.
The only other major change I've decided on is to have a break from what has just become a weekly routine of going to my rents' and then going to church. I'm not enjoying being involved at church at the moment, find that the anticipation of seeing and having to talk to people adds to my anxiety and that all in all it's not actually strengthening my spiritual life at the moment. I also find that being around my parents is a bit difficult at the moment, as I find it stressful having to adhere to their schedule or expectations and also have a low tolerance for their bickering or negativity (which isn't constant, just can be frequent).
I'm feeling almost positive (!) about 2011. I know that there are many things in my life that are within my power to change, if not directly, then at least in changing my own reactions to, or increasing and strengthening the tools I have to deal with them. No-one has to live my life except me and I can't continue feeling such dislike for it and frustration towards it when I shouldn't have to. I've had a referral to HR again because of sickness absences, which is in part to do with the 4 or 5 days I was away before Christmas because I had a low patch and couldn't face going in. I'm not looking forward to the occupational health assessment or the subsequent meeting with HR, but it's procedure and my doctor is happy to write a report on request regarding my treatment. At least I can say that I am taking positive steps towards change. The nurse just better not tell me to "get a hobby" again.
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