Withdrawal

I hadn’t realised I was down to my last few days’ supply of meds until I had a few capsules left and checked the box for the next blister pack, to find there wasn’t one. Luckily, my health centre takes online repeat prescription requests, which is way more convenient for me and thankfully, my doctor hasn’t yet insisted I come in for a check-up before she renews my prescription. However, I was a little late in picking up the prescription (it closes at 7, which is a push to get to in time after work, and me trying to wake up for work on a normal day is a struggle, never mind trying to get up early to go to the doctor’s before work). When I did get it, I realised I didn’t actually have the money to pay for it (yes, down to bad money management, but don’t get me started on the fact that Scotland gets their prescriptions for free, even though we all pay the same tax…). So a couple more days went by and I was med-free. I had a spare capsule for an emergency, so took that one a day or so in, to try and lessen the withdrawal effects, but I still felt the overwhelming tiredness and complete absence of energy that I tend to get without them (which is how I was feeling before I even took them). I thought things would settle down after taking them again for a few days, but I seem to be back in a slump. It may be coincidental that I’m having a low patch when I happen to have missed a few days’ meds; it may also be hormonal, but either way, I had been starting to feel a bit better in myself, a bit more motivated and positive, but have now regressed back to feeling anxious and tearful at the thought of going to work some days, barely motivated or focused while there, and absolutely drained of any energy when I get home.

The past few days I have been taking things out on Samson more than usual. I’ve been snappy, irritable and moody, or quiet, lacklustre and upset. Occasionally, a bit of both. He has been understanding and patient as usual, but occasionally when I have snapped, he has looked a little hurt and I have felt really bad. He is never snappy back, or mean to me (he really does have the patience of the proverbial saint), and when I have suggested that he can be, in retaliation, he always says that he’d rather ‘kill me with kindness’. However, I know that if I carry on being this way, it will wear him down, no matter how patient he is. More to the point, it’s not fair and it’s not very nice.

Yesterday, I started feeling lower and lower as the day went on. When the end of the day came, I was feeling anxious and didn't feel like going home. It was Bro-in-Law's birthday and he and Big Sis were going out for a meal so no-one would be home. I usually see that as a good thing, as I quite like having the place to myself now and then, but yesterday everything seemed bleak. Samson said I could stay at his, but I felt like I would probably just be miserable and would ruin his evening, aside from the fact that I am broke at the mo and he has been subbing me food all week. It felt a bit like I was taking liberties and I hate not being able to pay my way at the moment, it makes me feel even more inadequate than normal.

As we walked to the train station I started to cry a little, but was having to make some effort to stifle the sobs that seemed determined to escape. Samson was lovely and took me for something to eat and then I went back to his and we both just chilled, doing our own thing. I feel safer around him and more content when I am feeling low. Sometimes it can have the opposite effect if I am feeling particularly sensitive and he's not being especially perceptive. But for that evening, it made me feel a little better.

Cut to today and I got a sudden jolt to my stomach when I saw the girl at work Samson was seeing for a little while some time back. He'd told me she'd emailed him recently to tell him that she was being moved back to this floor, in case they bumped into each other. I wasn't thrilled by the news, but had forgotten she was starting this week until I saw her today. Typical, she would be sat down my end of the office rather than his. We don't know each other, but I know who she is and I suspect the gossip-machine has done its job of letting her know who I am. I know I am feeling insecure and so on, but seeing her around makes me feel very awkward and I've never been very good at dealing with boyfriends' pasts. My ego-centric side (what's left of it) prefers to think of myself as the one and only girl a boy I'm with has ever had eyes for, which is unrealistic I know, but something I find hard to shake off. It's just one more thing that makes me want to push Samson away, which I know is ridiculous. I am full of frustration, anger, hatred and bitterness lately and he unfortunately seems to bear the brunt of it, second only to my own self, which is steadily becoming eaten up with the emotions that I hold inside, rather than reveal to others the true ugliness of what lurks within.

We really do all have our demons. But as a good friend of mine (Dukus) said recently, "Holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent-free inside your head." Word. I need to kick out these squatters I let in.