Saturday Sluggishness

So, as if you hadn't already guessed, my plans to get up early on Saturday morning and meet the fam at church didn't quite pull through. My alarm went off but my body couldn't quite get it together. To be honest, my mind wasn't much help either. Samson and I chilled in bed for a while, slipping in and out of sleep and kiss-sprinkled conversation.

Sometime mid-morning, Samson's phone rang. It was Gannet. "What happened last night??!" Gannet asked. "I'm not sure," replied Samson, "We tried to get him to leave with us, but he was going to stay another 20 minutes. We left at about 2am." They spoke for a while and from the side of the conversation I could hear, things didn't sound good. Samson said they'd speak later and said goodbye. It turned out that not long after we had left him, Shoulders had got into an altercation with someone and had ended up getting arrested. We sat in slightly stunned silence for a while, not quite sure what to say. I just hoped things would work out okay for him so that he could still make his flight on Thursday.

A bit later, Paxton mentioned that he was making breakfast and would we like some? Since I don't eat bacon and everyone else was having bacon sarnies, he made me tomatoes and cheese on toast instead. Once again, I felt bad at making things more awkward for people and would have been grateful for just a regular bit of toast, but Samson assured me that Paxton secretly enjoyed showing his culinary skills off in front of his girlfriend, who was over for the weekend. I stayed in bed and tried to get up and dressed, but it wasn't really working. I was feeling a little bit weird, sort of low and a little bit detached. I knew that the 'rents would be wondering what had happened to me and why I hadn't gone to theirs for only the second weekend probably in a couple of years. I was enjoying being there, but had an odd internal conflict of a slight discontentment with everything else, despite knowing that I wanted to be there and wouldn't rather have been anywhere else at that moment. I texted the Mrs for some moral support, feeling a little bit agitated and knowing that being off my meds for a few days was probably not helping. She gave me some reassurance, helped me to calm down a little and reminded me that things are always a little bit crazy in the early stages of a relationship, because your emotions are so highly strung. I felt a little better, but still felt a bit numb, so lay in bed blankly, while a few tears escaped my eyes. I wasn't sure if I wanted Samson to return to his room to see me like that, but it didn't matter. I knew I would feel better when he came back anyway. Soon, he had returned with breakfast and a cup of tea for us each and we sat in bed contentedly eating, feeling very chilled out.

After eating I felt no better able to get up and ended up falling asleep again while Samson went to have a shower and get dressed. I was in and out of consciousness for most of the day, him chilling out with me at times, then popping out later to go to the shop for some salad bits for dinner and, as I discovered later, a quick pint with his house mate. Eventually I dragged my sorry self out of bed, feeling really groggy and not quite as perky as I would have liked, but at least I was finally awake, albeit at a shocking 8.00pm. Samson had made a start on making us some dinner, so I got dressed and we went to chill out in the living room with Paxton and his girlfriend LucyLiu. I was greeted by a cheeky "Morning!" from Paxton, which made me laugh. I went over to shake Lucy's hand, immediately struck by how intimidatingly gorgeous she was. Having spent all day in bed, I was feeling a little bit worse for wear and quite the scruff by comparison. We chatted while watching some TV in the background. As our jacket potatoes slowly cooked, Samson and I went to prepare some salad to go with them. I felt conscious that due to my epic day's sleep they might think I was some sort of lazy arse, and realised that as much as I don't care about others' opinions on some things, there are certain things about which I seem to be very conscious of what people think. However, for all my internal conflicts and anxiety, the evening ended up being a nice one. We ate dinner, watched some TV and chatted with the others, played a few games of cards and then eventually retired to our respective rooms to watch a film before bed.

Sunday was similarly relaxed and it ended up being a very lazy weekend. I wasn't feeling as emotionally or physically settled as I would have liked to be, which I knew was caused by my abrupt lack of medication. But deep down, beneath the fuzzy, slow-motion, underwater-like feel of my physical senses, I felt a small sense of contentment, of comfort, of belonging. I felt safe in Samson's company. I felt cared for, I felt like I could just be, without explanation or justification. I was still feeling conflicted over not contacting my parents, feeling slightly obstinate and resentful at the thought of having to always answer to someone, to explain myself, my actions, my decisions, my absence. I just wanted to be away from everyone else and not have to live up to anyone's expectations of me or any perceived responsibility. It was almost like a mini rebellion or crisis was occurring inside my head. But for now, right here, I could just be.