Re-Ups

Samson had an internal interview at work yesterday. He texted me when it was over and I nipped out of the office to say hello and to ask how it went. It was weird but lovely seeing him. It had only been three days, but it was long enough for me to feel a tiny bit shy around him in that way I do when I am attracted to or have a connection with someone. The three days felt like ages. We had a quick chat and he seemed quite happy with the interview. It was odd, not feeling like I could be as relaxed with him as I wanted to be, knowing that we were still in the vicinity of work and that curious eyes could be watching. Soon I had to get back to the office, so he walked me to the staircase and gave me a quick kiss before we went our separate ways, him to his home to chill out and watch DVDs for the rest of the day, me back to my desk and the mountain of administrative requests I have been trying to plough through.

Today was his first day back at work after Christmas and our first day in the office together since we officially became an item. I think it is for the best that we work at opposite ends of the office and can't actually see each other from our desks. Once or twice, he had to walk past my desk and I realised I had to make a conscious effort to try and ignore him, because his eye catching mine would have me smile far too broadly for just your average work colleague. Work was OK, quite busy, but without too many awkward queries that make things less enjoyable and more difficult to get done. However, everyone in our section was getting steadily more grumpy as the day wore on, because the office is so damn cold.

Things haven't been too bad overall lately. I've been trying to get a doctor's appointment for a while, since missing the one I had booked just before New Year's Eve in favour of a cinema date with Samson. Probably not the wisest move, but I had such a nice time that day, it's hard to feel like I missed out on anything. My meds run out today, so it's a bit late for me to see my doctor to get a repeat prescription in time. I've been thinking about how I feel about the situation, how I feel mentally and emotionally in general and whether I want to continue taking the medication. I'm not sure that 'want' is quite the right word, but I don't think I'm quite ready to stop taking them just yet. It's hard to tell sometimes whether any low patches I experience are just part of the normal ups and downs an emotionally conscious person would go through anyway, but I don't think I feel like I'm quite back to normal. To be honest, I am rather scared about feeling the way I did just before I started taking the anti-depressants. It was so unpleasant feeling completely blank, devoid of positive emotion and lacking any physical energy or emotional enthusiasm for anything at all. I don't want to go back there, but at the same time, I don't want the fear of experiencing difficulties to make me overly reliant on pharmaceutical help.

It's weird, sometimes I feel like I still have so far to go, but when I think about where I was a year ago, it seems like I've taken emotional leaps and bounds. I'd rather be dealing with difficult emotions in this way, than distracting myself with emotional crutches of the human kind, which wasn't fair on anyone. I'm a long way from where I want to be, but at the same time I almost feel like I am exactly where I want to be. I haven't felt like this for a while, but I don't want to fast forward and skip to the end, like I have done previously. I'm not dwelling so much on the past, I'm not worrying too much about or longing for the future, I'm just living in the here and now. And for now, that's just fine by me.