Watch...and wait

Eyes glance at the digits in the corner
Anticipation
I'll give it a while longer
I'm not looking
Tick tock
One digit has changed
That's not enough
I shouldn't have looked
I hate the waiting game
Now fear creeps in
Will this time be the last?
The scars haven't completely faded
What were my last words?
I'll find something to regret
One 't' uncrossed
One 'i' undotted
It will rile me until I let it go
Each time, my heart stops a little
This will be it
No more; the end; never again
Until the notice pops up
The soul sighs
Happiness.
But maybe just as much relief
Patterns of behaviour
I know yours
I have hidden mine
I'm okay, I can handle this
The past is passed
So you think
So I wish
But the memory...
The memory, ever-present, never fading
Always lives in today
Reminding me.
Maybe further along
I'll know the cycle has broken
When many more digits have changed
The heartbeats are regular
And anticpation is no longer a dirty word
Until then
I will continue to pretend
I don't watch
Or wait.