Life On Pause

Life feels halted at the moment. Not stagnant from my own inactivity, as it has often done previously. But on hold. I have been signed off from work on medical grounds since mid-August. Over the past few weeks, I have spent most of my time at my parents' house, partly by choice, partly from a sense of duty.

In the last week, my Mum admitted that she could no longer manage caring for my Dad on her own. Not for any emotional reason or lack of ability, but simply because my Dad had got so weak that he can't even support his own body weight. What this means in practical terms is that when my Mum turns him onto his side in order to change his pad (he wears these as he is not physically strong enough to get to the toilet in time) or wash him down below, or lifts him up to add extra pillows below his head and neck so that she can give him water/supplementary drinks/soup, she is supporting all of his weight on her own. It is tiring on her back muscles and could potentially cause her injury. So Big Sis and I have been here most of the time, so that one of us can help her when necessary.

I was informed by the HR department at work that my pay will reduce by half from the 15th of November if I am still on sick leave. I can't afford to live on half my pay, partly because of my financial commitments to my debt management plan, so I had planned to return to work before them to avoid the huge drop in income. But I don't know how ready I will actually be to return to work. My room is in its regular state of disarray and my motivation to make it exactly how I want it has waned with the lack of information regarding our status as tenants there. We wrote to the council to ask for clemency and have heard nothing back, so have no idea whether they still intend to proceed with evicting us. We don't want to contact them, for fear of 'reminding' them of our situation and starting the process up again. At least for now we can remain there, but at the same time without any formal permission to continue living there (i.e. a new tenancy agreement), we are living with an uncertainty that makes it hard to feel completely comfortable and relaxed.

This time last week, we thought that Dad was on his way out. He had deteriorated noticeably even within a couple of days. He was refusing food and even the supplementary drinks that he is usually always willing to have. His saliva was gurgling in his chest when he took breaths. The words "death rattle" came to mind and I wasn't sure whether he would see out the week. This week, he seems more alert, has been drinking a lot and has even managed some soup on a couple of occasions. Early in the week, my Mum arranged a visit from a palliative care nurse. She was going to arrange for district nurses to visit for an assessment. It is likely they will want to install a hospital bed in the house, so that when they come in and care for Dad, they won't have to bend and lift as Mum has been doing. However, we've had no contact from them so far. It's good that Mum will finally be getting (and accepting!) some assistance, but we've no idea how long that will take to set up. So in the meantime, she is relying on us.

Last Friday evening, because Dad seemed in such a bad way, I texted Big Sis to tell her and she came over. She stayed over on Friday night and on Saturday night too, as I had plans to go dancing with MiniMe and her girls. It was easier to go back to mine after the night out, so I returned here on Sunday to find that Bro-in-Law had also gone over for a visit. Bigger Sis came over in the evening and Big Sis and I stayed that night as well. On Monday, I mentioned that I might need to go home on Tuesday. Big Sis announced that she was going home on Tuesday. "Well, I can't go home as well then, as someone needs to stay here with Mum," I stated. She didn't contradict me, but said she'd return on Thursday. On Thursday evening, I had tickets to go to a gig with Lolly. I texted Big Sis on Thursday morning to ask if she was coming over. "I wasn't planning to," she replied. *sigh* I reminded her that she had mentioned she was coming back on Thursday, but in the end, I decided to go back to Mum's after the gig (which would be rather late as it was due to finish at 11pm or so). She ended up coming over this afternoon.

I'm finding it quite a strain dealing with this at the moment. She knows that Mum needs someone here, but puts herself first when she has "stuff to do". She has also been signed off work for some time, but I don't see how her situation is any different from mine and I still manage to do my bit at home. I've been putting Mum first although I could really do with some time at home myself, because she doesn't have anyone else. She's our mother and she's caring for our father. Of course I'm going to help. It means that my own life is often on hold, that I can't make progress with sorting out my things at home, because I need to be here. That I can't make a lot of the social plans I'd like to because I have to be here. That I'm not getting organised and prepared for returning to work because summoning the emotional strength would require me spending quality time on my own and that's just not feasible at the moment. Maybe I'm the sucker because I always do what's expected of me, rather than what suits me best like Big Sis does.

Going out twice this week has provided much-needed respite, but I'm always conscious that my Mum doesn't really have that luxury. I've felt more and more that it's worked out for the best that Samson and I broke up, as I've no idea how I would sustain a relationship in this situation. I feel like I'm constantly one crying session away from an emotional breakdown. I want to reach out to people, but then feel unable to really express myself and they feel helpless as there is nothing they can really do. I've been feeling incredibly lonely at times. I feel like I'm much better when in a relationship and have someone who reduces my emotional burdens just by being there, someone who I can give all my affection to and love like the stupidly big-hearted idiot I am. But the thought of opening up to someone new and revealing the damaged, fragile, crazy, intense and volatile person I have become lately is just too painful. I am stuck between wanting desperately to be loved, to be completely vulnerable and honest, and feeling embarrassed about how I am and needing to push away out of self-preservation.

I've realised that I live off other people's acceptance/love/desire/attention. When I say 'people' I think I pretty much just mean 'men'.I seem to consider relationships (in my head at least) with anyone vaguely nice who shows an interest. I remember doing this at school, even when I knew I didn't fancy the person who liked me. It was almost as though I felt I owed it to them to at least consider it, just because they were nice enough to think me desirable. I've not often stopped to think, "Is this person worthy of my attention/interest/love?" or even considered whether our values or aspirations or mindsets are the same. If they are nice and I am attracted to them, then boyfriend they are. What is wrong with me? I threw myself headlong emotionally into an impractical relationship with NY Guy that never materialised. I ended up with Samson because I knew he liked me, I found him attractive and discovered he was a pretty nice guy. I told him I was suffering from depression and taking medication for it on the first night and he didn't run away screaming, so I guess I just surmised he was a keeper. Even with The Ex I found solace in friendship with him when I became slightly isolated from my female peers. Then a kiss meant the line of friendship had been crossed and 6 years later I was fucked up emotionally beyond what I could have ever expected. Last night on my way home from the gig with Lolly, a guy started talking to me at the bus stop who was nice. It was just a nice, friendly, adult but cute conversation and reminded me that there are nice guys out there who are comfortable enough in their own skin to just have a chat without asking for your number. But today, I started trying to find him on Facebook with just a first name and an area. WHY?! I didn't even fancy him, I just found him to have an attractive personality. I think I'm a relatively good judge of character, but in a general sense. When it comes to deciding whether someone is the right person to allow an intimate place in my life and heart, my good judgement ends. I seem at least able nowadays to weed out the abusive/controlling types, but I think I get so impressed that a man manages to be half decent, that I don't set any further standards.

It's probably just as well that I am single and not in a position to practically maintain a relationship. I know my ridiculous need for affection will drive me to my downfall. I just want to be settled. MiniMe told me I should enjoy some 'me' time and make the most of being single. I would if I could, but nothing in my life is enjoyable enough at the moment. I'm not at work and even when I return, I know it won't bring me much joy because it's a job that has long lost any sense of fulfilment or satisfaction for me. Family life is good in one sense, but strained because of the fact it revolves around Dad and his illness. In some ways I feel at times that I am just waiting for him to die and the thought shames me. Alongside everything else, I am still fighting my depression and that sometimes makes it hard to enjoy anything. I try to make social plans where I can, but am often hindered by the other aspects I've just mentioned. How can I enjoy being single? Nothing else in my life is stable, the one thing I crave is a stable relationship. This week, an old school friend announced a pregnancy. I felt excitement for her, followed by a pronounced pang of what I can only describe as envy. Not because I want a baby right now, but because of the fact that she is at a point in her life that is stable and happy enough that she can have a baby. Weddings I've attended over the past few years have made me feel sad for the same reason. When will my life be at a point where things start falling into place? When will I get my happy beginning?

I can't see a start to any of these aspirations any time soon to the extent that lately I am just wanting an end to my current situation instead. Every year I hope the next will be better. So I'm just going to try to hang on for the next 2 months and pray that 2013 will finally be my year. God help me until then.