Alone and/or Lonely

I came home with Big Sis on Tuesday evening, having been at my parents' since Friday afternoon.  Big Bro had arrived from South Africa that morning and it had been a busy weekend of helping Mum get the house presentable in time (for a hoarder, this sort of task is never just a spot of vacuuming and dusting, it's a full-on procedure), not to mention a difficult one as Dad was not in a good way.

I felt OK when I arrived home and sat down for a cup of tea with Big Sis.  Bro-in-Law arrived home about 5 minutes later and after being left alone in the living room for more than 5 minutes, I realised that they were catching up in the kitchen, not having seen each other for 3 days.  It highlighted how much having someone there to hug you and tell you everything will be all right would be highly appreciated right now.  I went upstairs to my room and realised I felt incredibly drained.  Then I cried.  I cried and cried.  I texted Samson and he offered to come over the next day, if it wouldn't be weird.  I thanked him for the offer, but I felt I would probably feel better by then and I didn't want to rely on him in that way in these situations.  It already makes me sad that sometimes I feel like he's the only person I can text.  He made me feel a bit better and I managed to calm down and go to sleep later on.

I've realised I'm feeling incredibly lonely at the moment.  I feel a little neglected by some friends.  I feel grateful that Samson is still a source of some emotional support, but a little resentful that he isn't in the way he used to be.  I'm frustrated that a guy who I think liked me before doesn't seem so keen now I'm actually single.  I'm disappointed that a guy who actually is keen, is one I don't feel a spark with, despite him being a nice guy and fun to be around.  I'm upset that my life seems to be falling to pieces around me and I feel like there isn't much I can really do.

I don't mind being single in some ways.  I can be single.  I just never seem to stay single for very long.  Maybe I get into relationships too quickly.  Maybe I'm not as good at being single as I like to think.  Maybe whenever I try to stay single, some love interest always appears out of the blue and I end up being seduced by that early getting-to-know-you sparks-and-butterflies phase.  But I genuinely think I'm better in a relationship.  I'm emotional, I'm affectionate, I'm sexual, I'm loving.  I find that without having someone to express that side of myself with, I become incredibly frustrated.  I become needy.  I become desperate for attention and affection.  And that attracts the wrong people.  Maybe I'm not always that way when single.  It just feels that way at the moment, because I have so much going on, that I really need someone who can kiss it all away, just for a moment.  Someone who I can call at 3am because I'm upset.  Someone who will come over at the drop of a hat.  Someone who will lay with me and cuddle me while I cry, or be silly to make me laugh.  I want a partner in crime, a person to go up against the world with, another member of Team Em. I've got a lot to give back, if only the right person could see it.