"OK," I answered, knowing that it was likely to be something non-work related and possibly something rude or unusual. I was at the sink washing my mugs (Tip: don't leave a mug you've had cup-a-soup in overnight. The soup turns to concrete).
"Is it weird being a girl?"
Hmm, I was right. Wasn't really expecting that one.
"Yes," I replied, "But I have no other frame of reference," I paused, "Never having been a boy - just in case you were wondering. In what sense do you mean?""Well," Gannet said, pouring his cold tea into the sink, "I witnessed something earlier. There was a group of girls over there and suddenly one of them started going 'Whoooooooo!'"
[cue rather camp impression of the girl waving her arms close to her chest in strained excitement, while making excited whoop and ooh-ing noises]
"...and then the others around her started going 'Whooooooooo!'"
[cue repeat of impression]
"...and all sort of clucking around her. Then Pix [a lady] came over and asked what was going on, looked over at them and did this," he said, miming having a big pregnant tummy, "And the other girl nodded. I just thought, it must be quite weird being a girl."
I was momentarily stuck for something to say. "It is quite weird being a girl, but I'm not sure quite how to explain that reaction. Maybe that stage hasn't quite hit me yet."
"I think they were your age," he said, even more puzzled. "And one of them was saying, 'Oh, I'm so emotional, I might cry.'"
I had to laugh. "I don't really know what that's about. But maybe I'm doing a disservice to my kind."
"No, I prefer girls like you," said Gannet, which made me feel a bit shy for a second, but later made me wonder why all the guys I know say they want a girl who is girly in the way she dresses and is homely, etc. but also like the girl to not be quite as girly when it comes to sports, video games, action films, drinking, etc. Or maybe that's just my perception. Or maybe I just know the wrong guys.
"Well that's good to know," I finally replied, "But then, I wanted to stay up last night to watch Rocky, so I'm not really doing much to prove myself otherwise, am I?"
He laughed, "What, Rocky, the first one?" and we entered into a discussion about which ones we had seen.
"I saw Rambo for the first time the other night," I said proudly.
"What, First Blood?" he asked.
"Yeah."
"You know, I've never seen that." I felt a little pleased with myself for a second. It's very rare that someone who is into films and books and popular culture (or to be honest pretty much anyone who isn't either anti-film or very religious) hasn't seen a well-known film that I have. This virtually never happens. "I know the later ones get a bit ridiculous, like one man against Afghanistan, but I've heard the first one is meant to be an actual decent film."
"Yeah, it was," I agreed, "I haven't seen any of the others, but I really liked it, thought it was pretty good. So, is it weird being a boy?" I asked, turning the original question back.
"Well yeah, I suppose it's a bit weird. Would you like to be a boy?"
"I would," I answered, perhaps a little too quickly, sadly having thought about this before. "I would like to, just for a bit, to see what it's like. But I'd probably be quite a bad boy."
"What do you mean?" he asked, laughing, "Like wearing make-up and stuff?"
It wasn't quite what I'd had in mind, but I played along. "Yeah," I said, "and wearing dresses and stuff. And being a cage-fighter." He laughed at me. "I'd be a cross-dressing cage-fighter like Alex Reid. I'd take it to extremes."
We were still laughing as we went back to our respective desks, me finding it endearing that he has these random thoughts, but also thinking that my personal conflict between the natural, common instincts of girliness and my dislike of many aspects of it has been something I've struggled with since my teens.
I thought about my Mum and how she is attractive and feminine, but isn't overly girlie in her characteristics. She is a tough cookie. She rarely cries, especially not in front of people outside her immediate family. She doesn't pander. She is fiercely independent, never ever has the attitude that you can't do certain things if you are a woman. She does gardening, DIY - made me a built-in bookcase for my room when I was about 16. She isn't very soppy or sentimental. She was the law in our childhood household.
I suppose I have tried to (or felt like I should) emulate lots of her characteristics, which all seemed to be strengths. I've felt less good when I've felt vulnerable, emotional, sensitive or weak, at times when it seemed like I should be the opposite. But I'm learning to embrace my softer side, realising that it can co-exist alongside any tougher characteristics without being a complete contradiction. Bizarrely, I am also a traditionalist in many ways when it comes to gender, but perhaps only in my own preferences rather than as a prescription for anyone else. In fact, my notion of 'traditional' is probably not traditional in itself. Either way, my conclusion? It is weird to be a girl, but perhaps only marginally more so (if at all) than it is to be a boy. It's weird being human.
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