Not Alone, But Lonely

I completely understand the notion of being alone, while not being lonely. I am content in my own company. I remember being about 8 years old, coming home from school on my own and being the first one there. I usually had about an hour before anyone else got home. I loved that time. I loved the independence of it, the quiet time where I got to do whatever I wanted. I could choose whatever I wanted to watch on the TV; I could just relax and savour that brief feeling of autonomy, before Big Sis or my parents arrived home and I became subject to their wishes. Maybe I'm a natural loner or perhaps those moments alone as a child were so enjoyable that they formed a habit of a lifetime.

I do love being around people. Sometimes I revel in being surrounded by strangers, so that I can people-watch to my heart's content, observing facial expressions and human interaction: tender moments between a couple; children amusing their parents with the kind of honesty that only bare-faced innocence can get away with; the little smile that plays on the lips of a girl who has just received a text message from someone special. Most of all, like anyone, I especially enjoy being around people that I love and enjoy the company of. But even then I need a little respite at times, where I just crave being by myself, even if it's just for an hour or two. When I'm constantly in other people's company, after a period of time, I can start to feel a little stifled and crave a little space. It's no reflection on the quality of the company, it's just how I am. I can be alone frequently and yet not feel lonely.

Lately, however, I have been craving company a little more than usual. At times I have found it easier to be in another's company, for no reason other than because I thought it might feel better than being alone. The trouble is, it hasn't really felt better. In fact, I found that being around someone in order to feel less alone, made me feel lonelier than ever. What good does it do being in the company of someone who you don't think you can be your unadulterated self with? Feeling unable to honestly and comfortably express yourself to another only seems to be highlighted by chit-chatting to that person. Being in a room full of others, while feeling that there isn't one person there who understands your way of thinking, seems to serve only to make you feel more isolated than if you were in that room all alone. Why is this?

It is a wonderful thing to have someone who 'gets' you, someone you can be your 'Sunday' self with. You know, the 'you' you are when you're in your PJs on a lazy Sunday morning, bare of any make-up or any pretences, completely comfortable and uninhibited. The 'you' that is not trying to impress, that does not need to shout louder to be heard, nor is stifled by dominance. But these special people can prove difficult to find. Sometimes it's tempting to find a substitute, a 'near enough' kind of person. But I find that this can make the loneliness all the more palpable.

This week, I have still been feeling the need for company and have at times even felt a tiny little fleeting bit of fear at being alone. But unless I am going to spend quality time with someone, who I can be my 'Sunday self' with and vice versa, I think solitude is preferable.